Any older women out there who gave their baby up for adoption in their teens?
Krista asked:
I am 17 years old and pregnant. I am considering adoption and would really like to hear some stories and how you felt then and feel today. I feel as if the older I get, the more I will regret it.
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I am 17 years old and pregnant. I am considering adoption and would really like to hear some stories and how you felt then and feel today. I feel as if the older I get, the more I will regret it.
March 7th, 2010 at 10:25 am
You are correct, the older you get, the more you will regret it. I gave my daughter up in 1972, so she is 38 years old. I had a lot of years of pain and heartache and regret. I was told it was for the best, that she would be loved and that she would never suffer from the adoption, but she did. As she grew up, she wondered why, what was wrong with her that I didn’t want her. That was a hard question to answer, because there was nothing wrong with her, it was a matter of timing. When I found her in 2001, she was a 29 year old woman, married and with 2 kids, her adoptive dad had died when she was 5 and her mom had remarried to a mom with 3 boys making her the 5th child and only girl. She was molested and during her teens she confessed to hating me because she had not grown in her mothers stomach. We do have a relationship now, but she will never call me Mom and her kids will never call me Grandma. I have excepted that.
I cried every birthday for 29 years, but now I call her every birthday and say “Happy Birthday Baby”. Reunion has been very healing.
I hope you keep your baby as I would never want you to go through the heartache I went through. snowwillow20
March 9th, 2010 at 12:03 pm
Adoption has changed somewhat since 1972, but you will experience grief. it is only natural. Good for you though to think of all of your options. Good luck to you and I pray you make the decision that is best for you and your baby. I did not personally give a child up for adoption, but supported a family member who did and adopted a child myself. expecting baby 3
March 11th, 2010 at 1:05 am
Of course you will regret it. Look at how many women try to find their child that they put up for adoption and look at how many women want to take their actions back but they cant now. Don’t make the same mistake your child will be way better off with you, her/his mom. ღ38 ωεεкş αℓσηgღвαвч♂due 3.18
March 13th, 2010 at 2:16 pm
DING, DING, DING, WE HAVE A WINNER.
You are exactly right, you just don’t know yet how much this is going to affect you. You have to live it to get the full effect.
ETA: WARNING WARNING OPENED ADOPTIONS ARE NOT LEGALLY ENFORCEABLE. smarmy
March 14th, 2010 at 5:26 am
Your right. You will regret it every day see anther child the same age as your baby. I thought I did the right thing by giving my son up for adoption 34 years ago. I thought maybe if another family had him his life would be better than what I was living in. I didn’t want my mom to have to raise another child.Parents divorced 5 years before. I wasn’t allowed to know where my son went or who addopted him or even if he ever did get addopted. I’ve been married now 23 yrs to my son and daughter father as well as 2 step children. I know its real hard to raise a baby, be thankful for this blessing. Don’t loose a part of you that you might never get back. The only thing I know about my son is he was born Oct. 9, 1976 in Lawton Ok. Good Luck to and that bundle of joy. SusanS
March 15th, 2010 at 1:35 pm
I have never given up a child for adoption, but my mom has. We have had many conversations about it. She has always loved the son that she gave up. She has never forgotten a birthday or stopped wondering what he is doing in his life. But she is also very firm that she has NEVER regretted it. She knows that she made the right decision for her son. She knows that she has given him a life that she never could have. She also says that if she had it to do all over again she would do it the same way. Yes she grieves for him. And she misses and still loves him dearly, 20 years later. You have to do what is the best thing for you and your child. In my opinion it takes a better mom to recognize that she is not prepared (whether it be emotionally or financially) and do what is best for the child. Kelly
March 18th, 2010 at 8:45 am
I have experienced the other end of adoption; my dad and his girlfriend got pregnant, and put the baby up for adoption. It has deeply effected me. I have felt sadness, anger and even what I would call grief.
Here’s the thing though; many states have changed their laws. You can request and Open Adoption, meaning the birth parents will keep you updated on your child, sending you pictures and letters and when the baby is old enough, perhaps meeting. My dad did that with the child he put up for adoption, and although I don’t see her much, I still get to know who my little sister is. It doesn’t stop the pain, but it does lessen it. My little sister’s adoptive parents are amazing, I’m glad they’re giving her the life that she deserves. She’s a very happy child, and as much as it hurts to be in the situation, adoption was the right route.
My advice would be to research open adoption. Also, as crazy as this may sound, watch Catelynn’s story on 16 and Pregnant then watch the follow up series Teen Mom, which shows how she dealt with the first year after putting her child up for adoption. The show is aired on MTV. Irish
March 21st, 2010 at 7:20 pm
I am one of those mothers and the pain does grow. Why do you think the adoption agencies have the young mother sign a document stating if you commit suicide they are not responsible.
Take a look at these web sights for a little insight.
origins-usa.org
keepyourbaby.com Damitra
March 22nd, 2010 at 7:04 am
Of course you will regret it. And the pain never goes away, even if you have a so-called open adoption. And here is another thing: you will not have any control over what happens to your child in the adoptive home. They might be abusive to your child, but you will have NO legal standing. No one will listne to you because you will no longer be legally related to your child.
I was told by the agency that placed my son that the “parents” were carfeully screened and that they “loved my son very much.”
Years later when he and I reunited I found out that the parents were alcoholic, they divorced when he was 6, and the “mother” abused my child. She drugged my baby when he talked “too much” and asked “too many questions.” she married another alcoholic and they moved every 3 months for years avoiding the bill collectors. My son was forced to lift heavy objects like a washing machine, and this fractured his back, leaving him with a disability.
He never was able to overcome all that they had done to him, although he was a hard worker and my husband and I tried to help him. We noticed that he seemed to be aging faster than other people in my family, looking older than he should be..
but I think he was just worn out from the stresses. My son died at age 39 from cancer. I have read that adopted people have a higher rate of death at younger ages than the general population.
I never wanted my son to be adopted in the first place. If you want some control over your child’s life, keep and raise your child. kitta
March 22nd, 2010 at 9:45 am
Yes, research has shown that the pain with adoption loss, regardless of how much choice was involved or not, does grow.
Even mothers who do not want contact years down the track don’t just get over it.
Your body, psych etc is all geared to keeping and parenting YOUR child. Humans are not programmed to abandon our infants and in cases where it happens, it is ually due to obscene situations and desperation. Please research the effects of adoption on both mothers AND their chidlren before you plan anything.
I would also suggest you wait until you hold your child in your arms before you do anything. Decisions made while you are pregnant can change dramatically once the child is in your arms. myst1998
March 25th, 2010 at 12:21 pm
I’m not a birth mother, but I am an adoptee. My bmother got pregnant with me as a teen and chose to give me up for adoption. I met her almost 7 years ago. She put me up for adoption because she wasn’t in a position to care for me. We’ve talked a lot. I know she thought a lot about me over the years, but doesn’t regret her decision. I was able to grow up with a loving family, and I had a much better life than she was able to give me at the time. It was best for me, really. It’s kind of bittersweet for her, I guess. Painful, but best in the end. Good luck, whatever you decide. Johnsmuffinpie
March 28th, 2010 at 7:30 pm
PLEASE DONT GIVE UP YOUR CHILD!! I am an adoptee and i can tell from first hand experience that i cry EVERYDAY becasue i dont no my birth mom. U will regret it! please dont. stick with it and ask your parents to help you take care of your child. Alexander
March 30th, 2010 at 10:20 pm
You will regret it if you surrender your baby even with all the best intentions in the world that you want your child to have a ‘better’ life.
My Story
I’ll start from when I was 12 years old so it will make a bit more sense with my reasoning.
When I was 12 and my sister was 15 she had a steady boyfriend by whom she feel pregnant and when my parents found out they were furious. They insisted she had an abortion and made sure she split up from her boyfriend despite them wanting to keep the baby. He was working so could have afforded to support my sister and their baby.
Fast forward 6 years and I got myself into a serious relationship resulting in us getting engaged. In late 1980 we split up basically because his jealousy got the better off him and shortly afterwards I knew I was pregnant. I knew it would be a waste of telling my ex boyfriend he was the father as he wouldn’t have believed me.
I kept quiet long enough so that my parents couldn’t force me to have an abortion like they did with my sister. It had crossed my mind once but I couldn’t go through with it as I wanted my baby. I was working so could afford to keep my baby financially as well emotionally wanted to keep him.
When my parents found out they went ballistic as it was too late for me to have an abortion so they were adament he was to be adopted. Nothing was discussed nor did I agree with them and they went ahead with making arrangements. The first time I saw a case worker was after I had my son on the 3rd August 1981 and I admitted that I didn’t want him adopted, that it was my parents who were adament about this. She promised to put a stop to the adoption and that she would support my decision. However she did persuade me to let my son go into foster care until I got sorted and not to see him in case I decided adoption was the best option. My one act of defiance was to go and see him in the nursery and to hold him for a while which I have always been glad I did. I was in hospital for about a week as I was ill so asked to see my son again but was told I was too ill to see him. Later I found out he had already been moved to another hospital so I couldn’t have seen him anyway.
The weeks went by and I still wanted to keep my son but my parents started putting more pressure on me as the case worker had told them how I felt. They used lines like I couldn’t work and look after my son, I couldn’t afford child care, they would make sure I would lose my job, that I would be homeless and that if I was living on the streets my son would be taken away from me. When he was 6 weeks old I was told it was too late to put a stop to the adoption which I naively believed so that was it.
For the next 23 years my son wasn’t talked about although I never forgot about him. I got married on the 20th November 1993 although unfortunately we haven’t had any children. In early 1999 I had a falling out with my family as my sister had told some particularly nasty lies about me and my husband. In the August my son started searching for me and found my family quite quickly. However by this time I had moved so they quite honestly told him they didn’t know where i was.
In late 2001 I got back in contact with my parents as I felt it was time to try and bridges as they are elderly and frail. I still refuse to have anything to do with my sister as she still tells lies about me. In August 2004 my husband and I thought it would be fun to join which is a British based site for people researching there family trees. After I had put all the details that I could I realized my details had been entered by my son as he was a member using the names I had given him. I emailed him without a second thought then panicked about it. He responded quite quickly and we have been in reunion since. I was very upset to find out that my parents hadn’t told me that they had contact with him or let him know where I was, Their excuse was that they didn’t know if my husband knew about my son yet my sister had told him about my son years ago. All I can assume is that my sister didn’t tell my parents what she had done. However because of their silence my son thought I didn’t want to know him and that my family were covering for me though he knows that isn’t true now.
It’s been a rollercoaster journey particularly since my son moved in with us on the 21st Dec 2006. At the time we thought it was just till September 2007 when he would be returning back to Canada. Reunion had had it’s ups and downs but it got progressively worse with him living with us. My son constantly lied to us, tried playing us off against each other, wouldn’t do anything, bled us dry financially. Eventually we insisted he start looking for work and signed on for unemployment benefit. Things were either very good between us or very bad and when it was bad it was very bad. Since he moved out I thought things would get better but instead we no longer have contact. My son went Pip
April 2nd, 2010 at 12:27 pm
What you can do is go to IAC.com. They will allow you to do an open adoption where you can chose the parent and see the child as often as you like. Marie S Zachary
April 5th, 2010 at 10:21 pm
Personally, I believe you will regret it from day 1.
Adoption is a permanent solution to a short term problem. Carol c
April 6th, 2010 at 8:14 pm
If you think you’ll regret it then you probably shouldn’t go through with it. A woman never forgets her child that she bore with her own body. I don’t want to sway you into any direction. But please do what your heart says to you. Good luck and God bless you and your child
♫Ms. Kitty♀♫