All feel a level of pain and some can move on in some way while others cannot do so as easily.

Dismal Bliss…that was beautifully written. Ferbs

“what did u go through and do u regret ur decision?” - When I knew I was pregnant (unplanned) I knew right awy that I wanted to parent which is also one of the reasons why I didn’t abort. My decision was to be a parent and I don’t regret that but I do regret not having the knowledge I have now as I would have been parenting.

“were u forced or u felt it was the best thing to do?” - Adoption never crossed my mind so yes I was forced to surrender. I may have only been 19 but I had a secure, well paid job so there was no reason for me not to raise my son or claim benefits to help me although I would have got Child Benefit as all mothers get that regardless of whether they are poor or well off. It was my parents who were adamant that my son was adopted and the adoption also played their part in the lies. I didn’t know my rights, didn’t see any paperwork and it is questionable I signed anything but I never once agreed to the adoptions. I was raised to respect my elders so believed everything I was told so it was 23 years too late before I found out I could have stopped the adoption - when he was 6 weeks old I was told it was too late to stop it but I had till he was 6 months old.

I have suffered with depression - very severely at times - it has been a living hell and evenreunion hasn’t made the pain easier, it’s made it worse. My son has issues with being adopted despite being much loved so both of us suffered because of adoption. Knowing what I do now I would have preferred to abort rather than two of us suffering. Pip

At the time, I was persuaded into believing it was the best thing to do. I certainly was not convinced of this, and am still not 15 years later.

You asked “Did you regret it?”

Yes, every day this is a wound that never goes away.

In all seriousness, adoption is a mixed bag. Could you be giving your child a better life? You could be, but you will never really know for sure. Just cause another family has money and seeming stability in their marriage does not mean that have good parental skills or that they will not divorce in the future. In retrospect, I am not a material minded person, and I do not think that money can replace the love and warmth a parent can bestow upon their children.

If you have any sense of natural affection at all, you will have a lifetime of pain, and will be dying to reunite with the child 18 years down the road, hoping that they were raised right, were not brainwashed about you or the reasons for your putting up for adoption, and that they will want to reunite with you.

If you are on the fence about such a decision, then this is a signal that you should decide against putting your baby up for adoption. My personal opinion, of course. Dismal Bliss

EITHER PARENT OR ABORT!

DO NOT ABANDON YOUR CHILD TO ADOPTION!

Seriously.

If you know you don’t want it now, then get an abortion before it’s too late, because if you abandon it, you’re screwing it up for life - and probably yourself too.

If you don’t want to abort, then please do not allow anyone pressure you into abandoning it.

Also, don’t listen to anyone suggesting that open adoption is the way to go - it is almost never legally enforceable! Many parents have lost access to their children due to “open” adoption promises. Please read and before listening to the hype.

I didn’t have a bad adoption - my afamily are the best I could ever have chosen… but if I’d been able to choose, and I’d known then what I know now, I’d've chosen to be aborted before birth instead, ’cause at least that way the lifetime of agony I’ve gone through would’ve been over in minutes, instead of the decades that I’ve been suffering for now.

I’ve been in reunion with my bfam for a few months now, and even that’s proving to be completely agonising.

Taken from Nancy Verrier’s book, Coming Home to Self:

For the adoptee every day is a challenge of trying to figure out how to be, although he probably doesn’t understand the difficulty this presents for him. It has been true his whole life and, therefore, feels normal. However, it takes a great deal of energy and concentration. And it never feels quite right. He never quite fits. Therefore he feels as if /he/ is never quite right.
(pg 50)

Abandonment and neglect are reported to be the two most devastating experiences that children endure - even more devastating then sexual or physical abuse. That’s why some neglected children do naughty things to get attention. Even though the attention is hurtful - being yelled at, hit, or otherwise harmed - it is better than neglect. /Anything/ is better than abandonment. Abandonment is a child’s greatest fear. For adoptees, it is also reality, embedded in their implicit and unintegrated memory.
(pg 102)

It is sometimes difficult to spot grief in children. After all, it isn’t as if the child sits in a puddle of tears his entire childhood. As one adoptee said, “Of course I played, laughed, sang. Do people think that if you’re not sitting in a corner with your head on your knees, you are not sad? I had happy times, but the sadness was always there, even when I was having fun.”
(pg 117)

Please, if you’re not gonna abort your baby, then make damn sure you parent it.

Go read - it’s by someone who made both choices at different times in her life.

You may find some of the books and links listed over at useful.

Good luck. 7rin