Confused: keep the baby, or adoption?
Christine W asked:
I’m 18 years old, and 7 months pregnant. I found the love of my life, and my first time having sex, i got pregnant. ( Was on the pill). He has made it clear since the beginning that he does not want this baby. He’s in the Airforce, and is worried about making enough money. Almost went throught an abortion, but couldn’t do it. I moved across country to be with my mom durring the pregnancy, and contacted an adoption agency. I filled everything out over 2 months ago, but I have yet to send them in. I want to keep this little boy of mine, but I do not want to lose the love of my life. Am I being selfish? Everyone including his parents are telling me to keep it, and that he will come around eventually. But i have him telling me, that if i keep it, he will take responsibility but not stay with me. I have only a few days to decide before my insurance runs out, and chosing an adoptive family would help out there. PLEASE HELP!
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I’m 18 years old, and 7 months pregnant. I found the love of my life, and my first time having sex, i got pregnant. ( Was on the pill). He has made it clear since the beginning that he does not want this baby. He’s in the Airforce, and is worried about making enough money. Almost went throught an abortion, but couldn’t do it. I moved across country to be with my mom durring the pregnancy, and contacted an adoption agency. I filled everything out over 2 months ago, but I have yet to send them in. I want to keep this little boy of mine, but I do not want to lose the love of my life. Am I being selfish? Everyone including his parents are telling me to keep it, and that he will come around eventually. But i have him telling me, that if i keep it, he will take responsibility but not stay with me. I have only a few days to decide before my insurance runs out, and chosing an adoptive family would help out there. PLEASE HELP!
April 17th, 2009 at 12:18 am
I think that once your boyfriend sees his child for the first time all will be forgotten and he will love that child so much that he couldn’t give it away. You sound like you have a very supportive family and if you don’t want to give away your baby for adoption and you do you will regret it for the rest of your life. It is your choice too! Also if he does make you give the baby up it could cause you to resent him and cause relationship problems anyway.
April 17th, 2009 at 9:57 am
well i myself would never chose a man over my baby a baby is precious and to me it sounds very clear that you want to keep the baby so i say do and i bet when the baby arrives he will come round very quickly hes just scared and worried at the moment give him time and well if you decide to keep the baby and he doesn’t come round well then you know he was not worth it but please keep the baby you sound very sure you do want it so do it who cares what he thinks.
April 20th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
Your baby should be more important to you than a boyfriend that thinks that way.Since you have people around you that will help you raise it I think that you should keep it and if he wants to be a part of your and your baby’s life he will otherwise take good care of it by yourself.
April 23rd, 2009 at 6:43 pm
keep it, youllhave his familys support…and yours.
So keep it….
April 26th, 2009 at 9:51 am
Never pick a man, not even the love of your entire life over your baby. You decide whether or not you want to raise this baby. And if he loved you he’d be there with you every single step of the way and you have no right to deserve anything that he is trying to put you through. He is making you choose from a small little inoscent baby over him. He’s being selfish! You never ask a mother to choose over their child. I will tell you one thing if he is willing to leave you over this whose to say later on he won’t think of something else to leave you over. Also later down the line that little baby is going to love you more then that man ever will. You keep your baby hun if thats what YOU want. Everyone else is there to support you so who needs him.
April 29th, 2009 at 10:46 am
No man should be more important that your child. What happens if the relationship doesn’t work out? You’ll feel terrible about picking him over your child. If you’re going to put your child up for adoption make it for a good reason, like so he could have a better life, etc. It’s up to you hun.
April 29th, 2009 at 6:03 pm
I can feel the pain, and the conflicting desires. But sweetie, life is full of risks. If you give up your baby, how certain are you that this guy you so desperately love, would still remain with you?
If you keep the baby, at least you are almost certain of your baby’s love.
Ultimately it’s your choice to make. But think 10, 20 years down the line: Are you going to miss sharing in that baby’s life, his fears, his joys, his special moments? Even if you find that baby 20 years from now, are you going to be able to look him in the face and explain why you gave him up, without any feelings of guilt?
If your boyfriend cannot accept responsibility for both your mistake, he doesn’t deserve the baby. However does that baby deserve the love of at least one parent??
April 29th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
First thing do not let anyone tell you what to do, If you think you want to keep the child then keep it. The child is your’s, this will be a decision your going to have to make on your own, your going to be the one that is going to have to finally make it. The best thing that ever happend to me was my son,I could not think of my life without him. If you keep him it will be hard at times but it all pays off, but if you decide to give him up you will wonder about him the rest of your life. The boyfriend will stay or leave but if he leaves then you don’t need him, as much as you love him you are young and you don’t know how much you will love that kid it will be better than any love your boyfriend could give you. Trust your heart and it will answer your question.
May 2nd, 2009 at 6:25 pm
I have to say keep your baby. With everyone around you supporting you, helping with money and raising the baby, you should be just fine. And once the baby comes, he will probably change, the birth being much more of a reality. And I don’t want to sound mean, but having your baby and family with you is probably more important than not having the father in the picture all the time. If you feel like you should have the baby, then you should. It’s ultimately your decision to make.
The rest is up to you…
May 4th, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Having a child is such a wonderful experience.
If you two are meant to be with each other, then you will be.
If he loves you, he should understand your decision and respect it.
Giving away your own flesh and blood for a man who threatens to leave you ( especially if you want this baby) is not worth the pain.
Adoption is a wonderful thing for people who do not want their children, not so for those who do.
In your case, it would be horrible.
Because if you have decided that YOU WANT this baby, it’s going to emotionally kill you giving him away.
You would spend the rest of your life wishing you hadn’t.
Babies are a miracle.
The bond that you will gain with your newborn son, as all mothers do, will change your life forever in an amazing way.
But, before you do make a final decision on this, ask yourself::
What will it be like knowing I have son but, not ever getting the chance to find out how wonderful he is?
If you’re sure that you and your man are really in true honest love, then you’re family is right.
He WILL come around.
If he doesn’t then he doesn’t love you.
Because no man could ask the love of his life to go through such pain as you will if you give this baby up, when you really want to keep it.
Hopefully, he does love you, and he will come around.
Even if he doesn’t, your son will make up for every bit of pain you are left with on this decision.
You and your son will share unconditional love.
That means, no matter what bad decisions you make in the future, your son will still love you as his true mother.
Can you say your guy will?
From the ultimatum he has given you now, I would say no.
I know how strong a woman can love a man.
I am empathetic to how hard this decision is going to be for you.
I was in a similar mess just one year ago.
I kept my baby, my man is gone, but there is not one day of my life where I regret the decision I have made.
I love my son with all that I have.
&& you will too.
The love that is going to be washed over you the second you hear his cry will be so much stronger then any kind of love you have ever felt before.
It runs so much deeper than the love for your man or your family.
I really hope you make the right decision for you and your expected baby boy.
May 7th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
I don’t mean to sound like the type of person that mentions your age and what you should be doing but I guess I will. At 17 years old there are many many many changes that are going to occur in your life. Many of these changes will be in the next few months but many more will follow. I understand that you consider him the love of your life and he might just be (I don’t know you). But, you are obviously having a few doubts about all of this. If he is the only person that you love that is telling you to put the baby up for adoption, and your family and his are supportive of your keeping this baby, than maybe you should understand that feelings and people change through the years. He may not be the love of your life, you may resent him for planting the idea in your head (adoption), and you may find some guilt within yourself for doing so. Overall, the decision is yours honey! You have done great so far in the fact that you have carried the baby so long and are considering adoption rather than abortion. That is a very courageous effort! I am sorry that you are having a hard time with this all but I am sure that you will make the right decision. Just know that whatever decision you make, you will have to live with it for the rest of your life! Good luck!
May 8th, 2009 at 1:09 pm
listen sweetie you need to think bout this long and hard. You want to keep this baby, but afraid he will leave you. Understand that you are 18 and that if he does leave you that someone will come along that will love you AND your baby! and also after he sees his son born i do think his feelings will change. Alot of people struggle with finances when thy get pregnant unexpectedly, he needs to understand that there is a little you and him about to be born, and that creatig a life is a lil miracle. Show him the ultrasound picks or let him heart the heart beat….maybe he will realize too just how amazing it is. Good Luck!
May 11th, 2009 at 8:43 pm
I was strugging with the same decision. We are both 24 and have been living together for 2 years. I got pregnant, and he said he would support me no matter what, but as it turns out, when I was 33 weeks along, he finally said that if i dont put the baby up for adoption than we cant be together. I am in the process of packing up all o fmy stuff and moving back in with my family. Even though in a way i still feel like I kind of love him, I know if hes willing to be so selfish, hes not worth such a huge sacrafice. Im doing what will make me, and my baby most happy in the end. this is the time to be selfish. if he is honestly the LOVE OF YOUR LIFE he will come around, and if hes not, well thank god you didnt give away your ONLY first born child for him. think of it that way. with the support of your family, anything is possible. If you didnt have them, i might have a different opinion but you do. remember that. good luck!
May 13th, 2009 at 9:20 am
You said it yourself - you want to keep your baby. Your child will be your child forever - there are no such guarantees when it comes to love. Is he really the love of your life if he says he’ll walk if you keep the baby? The love of your life should be supportive and understanding.
Please think long and hard before you give up your child based on the idea that this guy might stick around. What happens if two months after relinquishing he decides to walk anyway?
If you want to keep your baby just imagine how hard it will be to give birth, hold your child, look into its eyes and then hand it to someone else and walk away.
You sound like a very loving caring person - the best thing for your child would be to stay with you.
May 16th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
If you love your baby, and you want to keep him, do. No one will ever love him as much as you do, and if you relinquish him, you will rob him of the most important person in his life right now—you. If your boyfriend leaves you (and he may, but I doubt it) then it will hurt. It may hurt for a year, it may hurt for a few… But google around for birthmother blogs, and you will find dozens of women who relinquished their children who are hurting 10, 20, 30 years post-adoption. You have to do what is going to be best for you and for your son, and given the huge support network you have to make it as a single mom if that’s what keeping him means, adoption is not the best thing for either of you.
If you choose to go the adoption route, please, for your son, fight tooth and nail for an open adoption. Read blogs of adoptees and see what questions they have for their birthmothers, and answer those questions in a letter now, while you can. Leave family photos if they’ll let you. You wouldn’t believe how much time your son will spend thinking about you, wondering if he looks like you, wondering why you gave him up—for the rest of his life. And when the time comes… when he finds you… and when he asks you why you gave him away, and asks you if you didn’t have anyone in the whole world supporting you, and then wants to know why, still you relinquished your life with him to strangers… you better have a good answer.
May 19th, 2009 at 2:19 am
The loss of your child will be much greater and harder to live with, than the loss of a boyfriend - even the alleged love of your life.
Many birthmothers equate the pain to be similar to that of grief - I met my birthmother after 35 years and she is STILL dealing with the issues of giving me up for adoption. It’s hard to fathom how you will be feeling about this in the future, but relinquishing a child has never been an easy road to travel. It causes much pain, guilt and anguish. You have support, and I would personally use that. Your child is number one now. Not your boyfriend. If your boyfriend is going to give you ultimatums like that, you’re better off without him. He may be the love of your life now, but how loving is someone who would force such harsh choices upon you. And anyway, who needs to be given ultimatums at the most exciting time in their life - the birth of their first child?
You deserve better and you have options. Use them.
I wish you every happiness and much strength for the future. x
May 22nd, 2009 at 12:22 am
I am a 25 year old adoptee, and let me tell you, the issues from adoption run deep, and hard to get over. Even when the adoptive parent situation is a good one, which mine wasn’t.
Please, please, please, think about this decision, and think hard. No one will ever be able to replace you as your childs mother, no one.
Particularly not strangers with no biological relations to you or your baby.
There are plenty of supports out there, plenty of ways you can get help for you and your baby.
Just think about it, it is your choice to make, but it sounds like giving up your baby would be one that you regret.
May 25th, 2009 at 11:00 am
Please, sweetie, KEEP your baby. I am a 43 year old woman who was given up for adoption. I now have a relationship with my mother–but we lost the first 22 years of my life–and we’ll never have them back.
Do not worry about insurance. Go get help from Medicaid. It’s done all the time. This is a TEMPORARY issue. Promise me, you will never get over the loss of your child. Never. Everything in life pales in comparison. Your baby would rather dirt poor be with you than super rich with strangers/adoptive parents.
You will never regret keeping your child–he needs YOU–his mother!
Re: the father, if he comes around, fine, if he doesn’t, your child is still better off with YOU.
May 26th, 2009 at 2:46 pm
I had my baby at the same age, it was the best thing that ever happened to me, I also took him to uni. with me, and now he is all grown up means more than a best friend.
Keep your baby.
May 29th, 2009 at 4:50 am
keep your baby!! keep your baby!! keep your baby!! Do you see my name, thats because i’m an adoptee, and I don’t feel accepted or loved by anyone from the abandonment and rejection I feel from the “loving decision” my mom made by “giving me up for adoption.”
Adoption hurts.
You’re not just giving your baby away, you’re giving a part of you away, and any more children you have, you’re giving their sibling away, your parents grandchild away. You will forever have a hole in your heart from it, you don’t heal from the loss of a child.
Everything changes after birth, if this guy isn’t stepping up to the plate and supporting you in what you want to do NOW, i hate to break it to you, then he’s not a good guy!!! Don’t ruin you and your childs life by choosing adoption just to keep some loser in your life.
read “journey of the adopted self” by betty jean lifton and touch into what adoptees feel like. Educate yourself on the REAL issues adopted people from all kinds of adoptions face, its not pretty. I’m not trying to scare you, but nobody told my mother this when she was pregnant with me and both of us wish she would have…she would have kept me.
Please, don’t give away your baby, to keep her/his father in your life. Everyone is telling you to keep him/her including me. To have family support in raising your child is HUGE. USE IT!!! IN the long run, you’ll be so happy that you kept your baby, he/she will love you like no person in the world could ever. When I look at my children they are the highlight of my life. There is NOTHING and i mean NOTHING that could EVER replace them. Nobody, no man, no amount of love from another human being could make me feel the happiness my children bring to me. When they run to you with open arms screaming “mama mama i love you” it will melt your heart, adoption, changes that. It ruins that. You don’t get that with adoption.
May 30th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
I’m glad to see others telling you to keep your baby. Thank goodness there are intelligent people here giving you good advice instead of the usual adoption is wunnerful propaganda.
Adoption ruins peoples lives. Period.
If you abandon your baby, he/she could grow up to hate you. Can you live with that?
Mothers who truly love their child(ren) don’t abandon them. It is the ultimate dice roll in life.
Keep your baby! Good luck.
June 2nd, 2009 at 9:12 pm
This is your life and your decision. It would be better to be able to keep your child but that is not always an option. You have to consider if you would be able to take care of a child at this point…some are capable at 18 and some are not capable even at 28. I was adopted and it’s been the best thing in my life. I’m happy, healthy, and well-adjusted. I do not blame or hate my birthmom. I know she loved me and gave me a chance at a great life with people who love me. There will be many women who are bitter and sorry about relinquishing a child or those unhappy adoptees who will tell you it’s the worst thing in the world to do to a child but that is simply not true. There are more birthmothers and adoptees who are at peace with adoption. Like I said, it is your decision, don’t let anyone talk you into doing it but it is ultimately YOUR decision. Listen to your heart
June 5th, 2009 at 4:05 am
I was pregnant by my first love, many years ago. I put my baby up for adoption. My boyfriend was too immature to handle fatherhood. Our relationship could not withstand the grief and loss of our baby either. I got over him several years later, but losing your baby is not something you “get over” no matter what anyone tells you.
This decision is for a lifetime. Listen to your heart. Listen to your baby’s heart.
A man who is worth that kind of sacrifice wouldn’t ask it of you. My boyfriend truly regretted our choice of adoption in just a few short months. But it was too late. The love of your life is going to love this baby boy!
As others have said, this is a temporary financial situation that is going to keep changing. The bond of your child is real. You’ll get through it with love in your heart.
June 6th, 2009 at 7:07 pm
Selfish? It is entirely natural to want to raise your son, and it certainly seems like you’re in a position to do so, with or without his father.
Too often adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You are eighteen, and that may seem young to parent, but it is also young enough that you have much opportunity ahead of you to make a really wonderful life for yourself and your son, regardless of his father’s decision to stay involved — particularly as you have support from your families. If he is the love of your life, he will not make you choose between him and your child. If he does, there will be another man (even if it doesn’t seem like it now). There will never be another opportunity to parent this precious little boy.
I am an adoptive parent and I don’t believe I could parent my child knowing that her/his mother could have: I needed to know that it could not have been another way, and in this case, it really seems clear that it can be and that your heart says it should be.