Consider Adoption with Abusive Mans Baby?
Angel asked:
I was dating an abusive man for almost 2 years now & earlier this year I found out I was pregnant. In the course of the last almost 2 years of being & knowing of him, I have been traumatized with too much that I can’t handle to where I can’t get my own life back because of this man. He has done such awful things not only to me but to himself as he is very obsessed with me & has gone so far as to try & hurt himself, making me watch him hurt him self, in MANY types of ways. From being emotionally, mentally, verbally & physically abused with this extremely jealous man to seeing him hurting himself has inflicted alot of trauma within me.
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I was dating an abusive man for almost 2 years now & earlier this year I found out I was pregnant. In the course of the last almost 2 years of being & knowing of him, I have been traumatized with too much that I can’t handle to where I can’t get my own life back because of this man. He has done such awful things not only to me but to himself as he is very obsessed with me & has gone so far as to try & hurt himself, making me watch him hurt him self, in MANY types of ways. From being emotionally, mentally, verbally & physically abused with this extremely jealous man to seeing him hurting himself has inflicted alot of trauma within me.
I’m due soon with our baby & I do NOT feel I can do this alone & also his threats of all kinds scares the CRAP out of me. I’m scared of this man period I have severe PTSD. I shouldn’t have to live in fear but how can I care fro a newborn if I’m too scared to for myself?
I have thought of giving up the baby for adoption for HER safety because I do NOT trust what the father will do……I want the best for her.
Is adoption a good idea? I want opinions on this, please. I’m also 36.
Thank you.
January 11th, 2010 at 5:35 am
Well… okay
Why the hell cant you keep the baby and not see this guy ever again??
Vanish right now!
Get a lawyer, change your last name, get a restriction order against him LoveAlways
January 13th, 2010 at 8:45 am
If you put your baby up for adoption it would look like you chose the loser/psycho over your child. You don’t have to stay with this guy, you know. Time to grow up and get your priorities straight.
ETA- There are many resources available for victims of domestic violence. Call My Sisters Place or simply google domestic violence safehouses, hotlines, or call 911. Nina
January 16th, 2010 at 8:42 pm
Giving her up for adoption might be the best thing you can do for her, and you can have an open adoption which will allow you to receive updates on how she is doing. It may be a hard decision for you to make, since you are a little older and might not have too many more opportunities to have another child, but I do think adoption would be a very good idea, for her safety and your sanity, plus, that would make one less person he can use against you or harm. squire_rhiannon
January 18th, 2010 at 6:09 pm
i think adoption is a good idea, but i also think that you are a grown woman and do not have to be with this man or take any more crap from him. get as far away from him as possible.
do what’s best for both you AND your baby. Chelsey F
January 21st, 2010 at 7:46 am
First of all, you’re an idiot for staying with him. You’re an idiot times 2 for getting knocked up by him, and an idiot times 3 for not having an abortion
YOU BROUGHT THIS DILEMMA ONTO YOURSELF SgtShamy
January 24th, 2010 at 4:19 pm
its your own fault for staying with someone that beats you.I dont feel sorry for you at all Mr Egoesin
January 25th, 2010 at 10:25 pm
you will not be abusive to her and you will be a good mother.
make sure you get police documentation of his abuse, take pictures, save text messages etc. keep a record and petition the court to take his parental rights away and get a restraining order. i would try to locate yourself as far out of his reach as possible. i know it is scary to face having to raise her by yourself but many do it.
edit: ignore the negative and ignorant comments above mine Amber
January 27th, 2010 at 1:10 am
Giving up your child for adoption, Could be the best thing you could do for her.
But could also be the worst thing you could do for yourself.
Not only are you living with fear of this man, And you sound like your quite
depressed, Once you give that baby away, you don’t get her back.
Living day by day, Knowing that you gave up your child to put your mind at ease from this loser
will have a big toll on your mental stability i think.
This man, Sounds very immature, Nasty and vicious.
But you sound like you know what you are doing.
This man does NOT need to be in your child’s life, DO NOT put his name on her birth certificate
DO NOT let him have anything to do with her. Get a restraining order put against him.
He cannot go near you, And if he does he breaches the code of the order, and will get charged.
My first Born’s father was also very abusive towards me during my pregnancy as well
And actually denied her alot. He cut himself in front of me once, And made me touch it!
I got thrown into walls, And verbally screamed at every hour.
I was so scared for myself, and for my child that i would sit in my room holding my stomach crying and crying while he bashed himself against the door.
Leave, Move away from the man. Have no contact with him WHAT SO EVER.
Forget about him, And live a happy life with your child.
Yes, children deserve to know there fathers. But in cases like ours
there better off not knowing.
My daughter has not seen her father since she was 6 months old.
As i dropped her off than 3 hours later got a call to pick her up because they were out on the streets, He didn’t even have her bottles or food or nappies!
I Live 2 hours away from him, So this was a difficult situation.
I believe you would be better off keeping your baby, Getting a restraining order against this stupid moron. Leaving, Not contacting him at all.
And moving on with your life, It is possible i did it. So can you!
Remember none of this is your fault.
You can live a happy life with your child.
EDIT: For those of you saying this is her fault.
One would assume you are not in a situation like this,
And being in an abusive relationship is the most hardest traumatising thing you can go through. It can take up to 20 beatings before a girl even trys to leave because they are to scared this person will find them.
My opinion is, Just leave. Dont talk to him, Go as far away from him as you can.
Your 36 your a grown ass women. You need to make decisions on whats best for you aswell.
And also, i think she mentions that she WAS with this man.
Not IS still with this man.
Another EDIT:
Id like to add, That i myself am only 17 years old.
My daughter is now 13 months old. I did it alone, Without the father being by my side. And you can aswell.
There are SO many help lines out there you can call.
Counsiling is an option aswell, And it WILL make you better, And feel better about yourself. I wish you the best of luck. Jaylas mum! bby #2 due june2010
January 29th, 2010 at 12:23 am
i agree with everything that jaylas mum has said.
she has given you great advice and you should take it and act on it.
people who critise you and say you are stupid for staying with him, obviously dont have any compassion. no-one can possibly know the control, and manipulative ways an abuser holds over his victim.
in these situations it is harder to leave than to stay. men like this cause their victims to loose all sense of self worth, confidence and value. they make them believe they are nothing without them and if they leave then they will find them and the consequences will be much worse.
so please, act on jaylas mum’s advice, keep your baby, she will bring you years of joy. but get help from the police, family and friends. this man needs to leave your life and never ever enter your babies life.
i wish you all the best xx Rochelle
February 1st, 2010 at 12:19 pm
Dear, adoption IS NOT a good idea if you are ONLY doing it because you are worried about her safety. But the fact that you would even be willing to give her up, says that you must truly love this precious little girl. You shouldn´t have to give up that love and give up being a mother just because of some a$shole.
Here´s what you do, dear. LEAVE NOW. Go stay with a friend, relative, etc. Go to a shelter for a few days if you REALLY have nowhere else to go until you can figure out your next move. DO NOT tell him where you are going. He will likely follow you. Then tomorrow morning, you call your court house and ask for information about getting a PFA (protection from abuse) order on him. If you have ever gone to the hospital because of injuries, called the cops on him when you were scared, etc, take any police reports, hospital records, etc. It is very important that if you do get a PFA, you DO NOT have contact with him, and if HE comes after you, you CALL HIM IN immediately. If you are found having contact with him willfully (possibly depending on what state you live in, ask when you make that call for information about the PFA), they could remove the PFA order. You should also talk to an attorney about child custody and child support. You may find that he won´t even bother fighting for custody, but if he does, if you have a PFA on him, police reports, hospital records, etc, these will all certainly help you win your case; although those things are certainly not necessary to win custody. As far as child support, he might try to fight that one but don´t worry about it; a simple DNA test will prove that he is the dad and there will be NO WAY for him to get around paying.
Best of luck dear. Hoping for a Miracle in 2010