Comments on: Considering placing my baby for open adoption. What kind of questions do I ask potential adoptive parents?

By: BLW_KAM

BLW_KAM — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 20:22:21 +0000

The day I met my daughter’s birthmother we were both nervous and scared. She was worried that I’d judge her, I was nervous because the situation was just plain wierd and let’s face it, a lot was at stake.

But something happened in the bathroom, a conversation away from the social workers when I told her that I wasn’t quite as perfect as I appeared in the “dear birthmother” letter on file at the agency. Something clicked in that bathroom between a teenager and a “30 something” and we both knew, we just knew this was going to work.

We have an open adoption because we wanted one. When my daughter was young we talked on the phone and I sent pictures and videos and we got together once or twice a year. Now that she’s nine things have changed. Not only are there still phone calls and visits but we have a MySpace page just for her birth family and my daughter and her sister talk on Skype.

I have read so many negative comments on here and I want you to know there are adoptive parents out there who truly want open adoptions. We aren’t afraid of birth families, we don’t want to lie to children, we aren’t deluded into pretending we gave birth when we didn’t, we aren’t so possessive that we deny our children what is their God given right … to know where they came from and to have contact with those whose blood they share.

So ask those prospective parents why they want an open adoptive. Use your judgment to determine if they are telling the truth. Ask them how they will stay in touch and how often. Ask if you be able to visit and how often. Go with your gut and if your gut tells you they are full of BS, then turn the page and move on. BLW_KAM

By: Ashley O

Ashley O — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 03:13:42 +0000

Hi! I know you are in a tough situation. I am 22 years old and I was adopted when I was 1 month old. Recently within the past 3 years I have met my biological mom and dad and all of my half brothers and sisters. After my parents adopted me, they ended up being able to conceive a child of their own. You need to make sure that the parents that might adopt your baby think a lot like you do. Genetics play a huge role in a persons life. You want your baby to grow up with people that are more like him then people that are complete opposite of him. It would make him feel out of place and different So, if you could find a couple who have similar values, beliefs, religion, parenting style etc. as you, it would be helpful. Also, I have always been the odd and awkward one in the family. My mother has shown a lot of favoritism towards my sister (her biological daughter). She ended up not being happy with me. You need to think about if the couple wants to have other children of their own, because if they do. It will be “their children” and they will be naturally prone to accept and be closer with the biological child more because it is their own flesh and blood. I hope this helped somewhat! Take care of yourself! Ashley O

By: flowergirl

flowergirl — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 19:43:38 +0000

I see you have gotten an overwhelming response to your question… I hope you are able to take what is best for your situation out of everything that has been said.

Perhaps you could ask them those questions that go round and round in your head when you lie in bed at night and think of possibly choosing adoption for your baby. No matter how silly you think they sound, how trivial you’re afraid they may sound or what they might think if you ask them… Ask it anyway. If they are truly going to respect you as their child’s birthmother forever, no question you could possibly ask should be too small or too silly. From there on out, I would suggest you just follow your heart. It knows you better than you probably know yourself and it will surely guide you in choosing what is best.

As an adoptee, adopted when I was a toddler, I know that if there were two things I could let me birthmother know about me, it would be that my adoptive parents truly do love me unconditionally and that from day one, they instilled in me, love, honor and respect for her (my birthmother). Maybe in the end, those two things are the ‘questions’ that matter the most.

Best of everything to you in your journey towards motherhood… whether you choose to parent your child or whether you choose adoption, I hope you are able to make the best choice for both of you. If you ever just need someone to talk to or if you have any questions, I’m always here to listen and encourage ~. flowergirl

By: Almostdone

Almostdone — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 04:09:45 +0000

First of all choosing to place your baby for adoption is NOT taking the easy way out. I know because I just did and it was the hardest decision I have ever made it my entire life. There is nothing easy about it. Luckily I was able to find the perfect adoptive couple for my baby and I feel very fortunate that I will be able to see my little girl grow up in a secure where environment where she will be loved unconditionally.
I would recommend deciding what would be important to you if you decide to go through with the adoption. Ask whether or not the couple would be willing to do a closed adoption or an open adoption depending on what you want. Most adoptive couples feel so blessed that you have even chosen the talk with them that they’ll bend over backwards to keep your best interest in mind during the adoption process.
I would advise you to go through an adoption agency in your state because they have all sorts of requirements that adoptive couples must meet to even be considered. Most agencies will also offer you Birth Mother support and counseling after the adoption takes place.
Remember, you are given every oppourtunity to change your mind and in most states you legally cannot sign any papers until after the baby is born. Don’t feel pressured to make any choice just because you’ve met with a couple. It is your baby and even if you go through with the adoption, he or she always will be. Almostdone

By: ali-oop

ali-oop — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 09:18:00 +0000

You need to keep your baby, things may be hard right now but do what ever you have to do to keep your baby. My cousin was adopted and then molested by her adopted dad, you can’t guarentee what will happen, find a way to finish school so you can get a good job. My other friend had her baby when we werer 16, she went through some major shit but by time she graduated HS she had started gettting credits in nursing school. Her daughter is 19 now and the dad was never part of the picture, he was an ass hole to her. YOU can do it, be strong! ali-oop

By: Dana C

Dana C — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 03:44:13 +0000

Dear, ask whatever you want to know. even if it is silly. It is important to you. Dana C

By: redheadsdontdye

redheadsdontdye — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 02:03:42 +0000

I am in the process of doing an open adoption, and if you are considering an adoption I really do believe that an open adoption is the best way to go. A lot of people seem to be warning you against it because they think that the adoptive parents will run away with the baby and you’ll never see them again. That is a very real fear for birth parents, but keep in mind that the adoptive parents will have the same kind of fears about you, a lot of them have huge irrational fears that the mom will come back and kidnap their biological children in the middle of the night… and the truth is that rarely happens, part of doing an open adoption is building a TRUSTING relationship with the adoptive parents.
I found the most amazing family for my child, i already consider them to be a part of MY family and they consider me to be a part of THEIR family.
Also, I’m not sure where you are from, but in some states (like mine) you CAN enforce a cooperative agreement about visitation that IS legally binding.

Anyway, as far as what kind of questions you should ask… first ask yourself what kind of environment do you want your child to live in? do you want them to be raised into a specific religion? how would you want them to be disciplined? how much interaction do you want to have with your child?

When I first interviewed the family I’m working with I thought that I should have a list of questions right in front of me, I didn’t though and I felt at a loss, but I was surprised how they just kind of started talking about themselves and telling me pretty much everything I wanted to know. They made it very easy.

some other questions that might be helpful to ask though are…
how much interaction do the adoptive parents want to have with you? what kind of childhood did the adoptive parents have? how was discipline done in their homes? what kind of relationship do they have with their families? what kind of activities and hobbies do they have? why do they want to be parents? what are they looking forward to about being parents? what are they planning to do for work, will someone be at home with the child, or will the child be placed in daycare?

There are EXTENSIVE interviews and background checks done for adoptive families… they all have to do something called a Home Study, this packet of information will tell you EVERYTHING you could ever want to know about a particular family. So, if you hook up with an open adoption agency, in addition to meeting with the families and interviewing them yourself you can request to have a copy of their Home Study and that will answer any questions you didn’t think to ask of yourself.

I know that I could not go through with this adoption if it was a closed adoption, these last nine months have a been a roller coaster ride and having the adoptive parents support has made all of the difference. I wish I could keep my baby more than anything (it really is a HUGE thing bonding with your child, the love a mother has for her child is like nothing else in the world), but i know that I can’t give him the life he would want and need. It hurts so much, but i can not be selfish about this, making a decision like this is about putting the baby’s needs before yours.

I wish you and your child the best of luck. redheadsdontdye

By: tish

tish — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 19:22:59 +0000

if you are not prepared to be completely cut out of your child’s life (even if they promise you an open adoption) then i would not pursue it. although some adoptive parents who uphold open adoption, many don’t. and they are not legally enforceable.

also, there is no way to ensure that your baby will get a good home. people are human, lose their jobs, are abusive, alcoholics, get divorced, et al. in other words, these people are not super humans, who are picture perfect. hence, any questions you ask can be answered the way they think you will want.

so…the only question that need to be asked, are to yourself:

1- can i live with never seeing my child again?
2- can i accept the fact that my child might grow up to resent me?
3- can i accept the fact that the adoptive parents can move, close the adoption and not hold up their end of the bargain?
4- can i accept that i might regret this decision, yet can’t change it?
5- do i realize that i will not be 16 forever, and that i might be able to find other ways to keep my child?

those who are telling you how easy and loving it is to give up your child have:

1- never been pregnant and delivered a child
2- never placed a child
3- profit from adoption
4- want to adopt a child.

i’d talk to more women who have placed their children (and not just those who work for adoption agencies) about the REAL deal of adoption.

i wish you well. tish

By: Camira B

Camira B — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 09:29:49 +0000

I just want to say that I agree completely with Gaia. I also want you to know that I was “assured” an open adoption as part of a bribe, in contrast to the lies and threats I got. Guess what. I haven’t seen my baby since he was 3 days old. Open Adoptions are a sham in my eyes unless you get truly lucky.

BTW, absolutely do not use LDS as the person suggested. They were, unfortunately, my agency and I’m still in court with/over them. Camira B

By: jessica300

jessica300 — Sat, 23 Jan 2010 02:27:27 +0000

I don’t know, but it looks like from your other answers that you’re good in math! Instead of answering math questions on yahoo maybe you could lay out an Excel spreadsheet on the money you need to keep your son or daughter with you. You know, how much you would get from government support (Welfare, WIC, etc.), what you might rely on from family (coincidentally, this will be your son or daughter’s family - grandchild, niece/nephew, etc.) vs what your outgoing expenses are.

best of luck jessica300