Does adoption mean the baby will be loved and taken care of?
Gershom asked:
I see this an an argument in favor of adoption often. That babies need to be well taken care of and its a hard job, by choosing adoption, you’ll know your child is taken well care of….
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I see this an an argument in favor of adoption often. That babies need to be well taken care of and its a hard job, by choosing adoption, you’ll know your child is taken well care of….
How can someone say this? Can anybody prove this?
January 28th, 2009 at 8:25 am
It is an absurd leap to imagine that people and circumstances will remain exactly as they are at the moment of surrender for anyone involved. The mother will marry, educate herself, get a job and all the other things that people do as they age. The father likely will do so as well. The people who adopt, those who are supposed to guarantee a wonderful life to a much desired infant cannot guarantee that they will not suffer illness, death, bankruptcy, accident or other misfortune the same as all other people do. Often the ones who desire an infant so badly also are dealing with their own unresolved issues of infertility which are an added contributor to the dysfunction they must overcome.
People’s lives and circumstances change. Nothing is guaranteed in life except this exact moment in time. It is one of the Great Lies of Adoption that have been so widely spread and so readily accepted. It ranks along with the other lies like “if you don’t finish your education now, you will never be able to finish it!” or “if you love your baby, you will give him to strangers who are more worthy than you because they are married/wealthier/better educated/smarter/handsomer/more famous than you.” or “Your baby will never give you a thought, and you will forget and go on as if it never happened” All lies and all geared to the breaking of the will and spirit of the vulnerable young woman who is experiencing hormonal changes and little support. All geared to insuring the surrender of the infant she carries to the lustful and covetous people who profit from her loss.
Further, if adoption guaranteed a lifetime of love and care, there would be no such thing as failed adoption, dissolved adoptions, babies returned to care, or adopted children ever being abused by their adoptive families. Since such is clearly not the case, the above cannot be proven true.
Sandy Young
Senior Mother
SMAAC
ETA: Someone said, “But there is a high probablity that an AP that has to jump through hoops and pass the gruelling test to strangers (social workers) to prove they are suited to be parents will love and take care of the child.”
I am not sure how taking tests and being interviewed by respectful strangers is more likely than enduring wrath, scorn, shame, nausea, vomiting, threats, contempt, coercion, enduring almost a year of pregnancy followed by a life-threatening, hours long labor and delivery to guaranteeing a loving relationship, but it seems unlikely to me. JMO, of course…
AdoreHim, please take your specious argument that adoption is an alternative to abortion to the politics board. Abortion is not a part of this discussion and has no place here. If a woman were going to abort she would not be in a position to surrender an infant to adoption, now would she? This is an unreasonable argument and one has nothing to do with the other, except that they are both about women and their babies. There is no evidence to support adoption in any way correlates to abortion.
January 30th, 2009 at 3:40 pm
That’s the goal.. that’s what we hope.. but no, it’s not a guarantee, unfortunately.
But no system is perfect. Not that we can’t work to improve it.
Does staying with the firstmother guarantee the baby will be loved and taken care of? No.
Does being raised by my biological parents guarantee I would not live a life of abuse? NO. Since my father was abused, statistically my chances weren’t even that great. But my dad was 1 in a million that adamately learned from his father’s mistakes and walked the opposite direction… to the point where he refused to discipline us in any way (made mom do it) and to the point where he was very careful to not to drink much at all.. Most people would think he was way too “hands off” as a father, but I think he was afraid of his own temper, based on his upbringing by an abusive alchoholic father who was not a good “breadwinner.” Heh.. probably why dad was also obsessed with working 14 hours a day to make lots of money to keep us living comfortably. .
So, I feel I lucked out.. . But I wasn’t “guaranteed” a non-abusive childhood, simply because I was raised by my biological parents.
But adoption WORKS to give the child a family that will take care of it, love it, and support it comfortably.. Not Because the first parents couldn’t/wouldn’t love it, but because THEY felt they weren’t in a position to be parents at that point.
February 2nd, 2009 at 9:54 pm
The child being well taken care of is the goal, but it’s not always the end result.
Most people do not go through the hardships and expenses of adoption to stick a kid in a closet and leave them there to die.
Nothing is ever for sure. EVERYONE knows that. Today you could win the lottery and be on top of the world, and tomorrow a tornado could come through and wipe out everything you ever had in life. Today you and your spouse could have a great job making great money and have a great house and next week you could both lose your jobs and end up foreclosing on your house.
It could also go the other way. Today you’re on food stamps and getting assistance from churches and next month you land a great $25/hr job and get off the food stamps. Today you’re living in housing assistance working at McDonalds and next month you get a job at a factory making $15/hr and move into an apartment.
You get the idea.
Nothing is ever for sure, but with stability and love, you can give the child a chance that their birth parents couldn’t, or didn’t feel that they could give them.
February 5th, 2009 at 1:14 pm
It isn’t true across the board, no. Most parents– biological and adoptive– do love their children and take good care of them. Unfortunately, there are exceptions on both sides.
I don’t think that expectant parents should ever be told that there’s a guarantee that if they placed their children, the children would have a good life. There are never any guarantees, and none should be promised.
I actually don’t think that an expectant parent should be asked to compare two different homes in making an adoption decision. If they truly cannot parent, at that point other options need to be considered, but that shouldn’t be the starting point. I think any of us could imagine someone who is a better parent than we are– but that doesn’t mean we’re bad parents, and it doesn’t mean our children would be better off with someone else. If the child would be safe and loved in the home, I don’t think that worrying about some mythical “better” home is productive.
All this to say, no, adoption is no guarantee. Biological parenting is no guarantee. There are no guarantees in this life. All parents should be encouraged to try as hard as they can, but no parent is perfect.
February 5th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
There is no guarantee. But “life” never comes with guarantees either….and we don’t stop living it. Nor does pregnancy for a woman guarantee her child love, safety and care.
But there is a high probablity that an AP that has to jump through hoops and pass the gruelling test to strangers (social workers) to prove they are suited to be parents will love and take care of the child.
February 6th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
There is no guarantee that adoption will result in a better life. Could be worse, who knows? It’s a crap shoot.
February 7th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Go, Sly, Go!!!
Dear Gersh,
No, it doesn’t and it shouldn’t be used as a reason for women to place their children.
February 10th, 2009 at 2:19 pm
Yes.
Just look at any every-day adoptive family. They are like just any other normal family, ne?
There is no guarantee that the APs won’t be abusive, just like there is no guarantee that the bio parents won’t be abusive either.
But I think there is this automatic assumption that a child who is going to be adopted WILL be loved by the adoptive parents, simply because the APs go through so many hoops/tests/requirements, etc and spend thousands of dollars to do everything right.
February 12th, 2009 at 10:28 am
Certainly we’d want to believe this, right? After all, the belief that a child will get a better life is all part of why adoption is touted as the loving option to women struggling with whether or not they can raise their babies.
Just because someone really wants a child and goes through a lot to have or adopt one doesn’t mean the person will be capable of loving and properly caring for the child. People realize that sometimes a parent abuses/kills his or her biological child. However, there adopted children who are abused/killed by their adoptive parents, too.
To say that adoption means the child will be loved and cared for properly is a slap in the face to adopted children who are being abused. It also puts them in a difficult position. Will it be harder for an adopted child to get someone to believe him or her when s/he tells of abuse at home?
Adoptive parents, just like biological parents, are human beings. Some make great parents, some adequate and some lousy. I’ve met adopted people who grew up with mental and/or physical abuse, alcoholism in the home and even sexual abuse. (Of course there are people raised by their biological parents who’ve endured such, but that’s taken for granted and not the topic here.)
I can’t imagine being a young woman — told that adopted would give her child a better life — whose child was adopted by others, only to be abused. What a nightmare.
The idea that adoption will give the child a better life should never be used to try to convince pregnant girls/women to relinquish. It simply cannot be guaranteed, and should not be presented as though it can be.
ETA:
For anyone who doubts that a person would ever adopt just to turn around and abuse a child, check out today’s Oprah show. I don’t normally watch Oprah, but I caught wind of this one.
It does happen, and to deny it is so unfair to children who are being abused.
February 12th, 2009 at 4:06 pm
No. I mentioned on an adoption board that I belong to once that our next child that we adopt will most likely be a young teenager (we have one in mind and have been in touch with his worker) and someone sent me a link to a sight with HER adoptive daughter who she was trying to READOPT out. I went to that sight and it just made me sick looking at it. There were several older kids (like 5-18) who were adopted as youngsters and didn’t meet up to their “parents” expectations of them. Pretty much like they got a puppy and now that the puppy had grown a little, they weren’t interested in being a dog owner anymore (which is sad in its own respect) but with KIDS! Just awfule!
February 15th, 2009 at 11:10 am
I would be wrong to say that every child that is adopted will be taken great care of- however if a couple is going out of their way to adopt a child, you would think that caring for that child would not be an option. However, I have to add something here- questions like yours seem to put adoption in a bad light- as if the alternative for a mother that cannot care for her child’s best option may not be adoption but abortion. I’m not saying that you are saying this, so do not jump to that conclusion- what I am saying is adoption is for the most part is the great way to go when the biological mother knows for SURE that she cannot raise her child. I have 3 examples of adoptions where the children were taken care of very well- mine and my 2 adopted children. For those adoptive parents out there that may not be the “best” parents- I am sorry for those kids, however, I know many biological parents that don’t take care of their children either. Abortion takes the life of a child, would that be better?
February 16th, 2009 at 12:54 am
Dear Gershom,
NO. A more realistic picture should be painted for mothers considering relinquishing her child. No one can say if the child will be well taken care of. I know it sounds harsh but its reality. Just because a couple passes a check list of things needed to parent a child doesn’t not guarantee the ap’s would do a better job raising the child better than its own mother.
February 16th, 2009 at 7:23 pm
Of course, you already know the answer to this question, so I don’t see why you ask it..
Adoption is not a ‘guaranteed’ good home, but, it’s a home that HAS had screening done. Right now, for instance, my husband and I wouldn’t even be found fit to adopt due to our financial situation, but, we could get pregnant and have our own child if we wanted to. Does that mean we’re going to be bad parents if we had a child now? No, but, that doesn’t mean someone would give us a child at this stage in our lives.
I’m not trying to compare a child to a dog, but, by way of illustration: I have several dogs. A couple of them are special needs. We adopted them because they were special needs. There is not a chance in heck anyone would EVER be able to talk me into rehoming them. They are family and they will stay with me through the good times and the bad times. Quite frankly if you can be talked out of keeping your child, then there’s some kind of maternal bond/instinct that is missing.
Sure people may pressure young mothers to give up their child, but, ultimately, it is their decision. There’s also plenty of pressure to keep a child in the form of people who have given up children in the past warning them about regret later, perhaps religious individuals that believe the child should stay in the family no matter what. Young pregnant women catch it from both sides.
I couldn’t be talked into giving up a mangy, special needs dog which in NO way compares to a child. I can’t even imagine actually being talked into giving up a child I carried for 9 months. I wouldn’t entertain the thought for even a moment.
If someone can be talked into giving up their child, then there’s either some attachment missing or there is a realization that at this point in life the child may be better off with someone else. While the adoption may not permanently be a better choice, at the moment it may well be a better choice. A out of work, in school teenager is NOT necessarily as good of a home as a 20 something adoptive couple that is established and stable. If she is committed to keeping her child and raising it right, then no one would ever be able to talk her into giving up her child.
February 20th, 2009 at 12:08 am
Unfortunately there isn’t a guarantee of a kind and loving family. But even for children who aren’t adopted and are born into a family there still isn’t a guarantee that they will be loved and cared for. However, for the most part, the adoptive family is checked up on for criminal records and other such things to make sure that they are fit for this baby. We can only hope that all families will love and nurture their child, but until people stop abuse of drugs, alcohol, and each other, we can never know for sure.
But in my heart, I think that every couple who wants to adopt has to be loving enough to try for adoption, so they will be loving parents also.
February 22nd, 2009 at 8:45 am
No one can answer that. There are cases of children adopted who have been neglected, abused and other, just as their are cases of children neglected, abused etc. by their original parents.
The argument is that adopted parents are screened, but as I have heard, in many cases the screening was pretty lax. (not so in ONtario!)
I think people who adopt certainly hvae thought it through even before they get their child, and hopefully know what kind of parent they will be, but in life their are no guarantees.
February 25th, 2009 at 4:19 am
To be honest, I think it depends on alot of factors. To broadly say that all adoptees have a better life because they were adopted is wrong and a generalization. The foster system in this country has many flaws and I’ve heard horror stories of adults adopting foster kids for money or for even worse reasons. But I would hope that’s a very small segment of those who adopt. Here’s how I see it: any idiot can make a baby….we all know what it takes and to naively think that just because a baby came out of you that it automatically gives you the skills necessary to raise a child is absurd. But the actual conscious choice to become a parent takes something special. That’s why some people say that adoptive parents can offer a better life. These are usually people who have thought about a child, planned for one, imagined the experiences they’d give their child, the fun things they’d do, the values they’d instill, etc. Alot of thought and love went into their decision and follow through to adopt this child. Why on earth then would they turn around and mistreat the child or give it a horrible life? In my opinion, adoptive parents do sometimes give a child a better chance at life and no, that doesn’t have to mean material things. Good parenting is so much more than things.
February 25th, 2009 at 4:31 pm
Sadly, no… because even adoptive parents are not perfect.
February 26th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
In a perfect world, yes…that is what adoption would/should mean. But we all know that this is far from a perfect world. Many would even say that in a perfect world, adoption would not be necessary. But again, we all know that this is far from a perfect world, sadly.
March 2nd, 2009 at 12:14 am
Does adoption mean the baby won’t be? Can anybody prove this?
March 3rd, 2009 at 4:46 am
Nope. My son was despised by his former adoptive parents, abused, and forced by them to choose between us and them. The only care and affection he received was from nannies. He never lived up to the f-a-p’s expectations and they were firm believers in adoptees being “blank slates.”
March 5th, 2009 at 3:47 am
Absolutely not.
I was abused (not sexually, like many other adoptees I know) by my amother.
I was not ‘worshiped and adored’ as I believe all children should be.
I was never allowed to participate in ANY activities outside the home like my friends.
I was made fun of for reading!
I was treated as ‘less’ than aparents bio kids.
I was NEVER given any money. I started working at a catering company at 14, getting paid under the table, until my amother happily signed off on a working permit at 15, so I could get minimum wage.
They wouldn’t let me drive their cars. I wasn’t allowed to take showers every day.
I could go on and on…it sucked.
And the irony, as I’ve written about here is that my parents (who dated for 11 years!!!!) never had other children and were/are wealthy.
For years my nmother was pi$$ed big time.
But as we all know, adoption is FOREVER.
March 6th, 2009 at 2:26 am
Yea it can be but what it really means is it was never loved to begin with