How did you feel giving up your baby for adoption?
Erica asked:
my best friend is 21 and pregnant. Her babies father might go to prison and is in jail now. She feels like giving her baby to her aunt and uncle who cant have kids. She could support the baby but it wont be easy…i know she can do it. Anyone put their baby up for adoption and regret it? How does it feel giving up your child?
I just dont think she should do it. Why be selfish so she can have a normal 21 year old life. Why doesnt she get a full time job and support her child. honestly .
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my best friend is 21 and pregnant. Her babies father might go to prison and is in jail now. She feels like giving her baby to her aunt and uncle who cant have kids. She could support the baby but it wont be easy…i know she can do it. Anyone put their baby up for adoption and regret it? How does it feel giving up your child?
I just dont think she should do it. Why be selfish so she can have a normal 21 year old life. Why doesnt she get a full time job and support her child. honestly .
February 3rd, 2010 at 8:59 pm
I think that it’s a very noble thing to do in a case like this. And since it’s her aunt and uncle, it’s not like she won’t be around to see the child.
If she can live a life where she accepts that the parents of her child are her aunt and uncle, then it’s great. starstrukk
February 6th, 2010 at 8:48 pm
How do you think it would feel? I mean seriously, do you think it would be better than sex & chocolate? Why isn’t EVERYBODY doing it if it is so f’ing “noble”? Walmart Checkout Girl
February 7th, 2010 at 1:05 pm
Yes if adoption is a MUST then a family member is best, but don’t fool yourself into thinking that there will be much if any contact after the papers are signed. That is completely up to them and there is no law to enforce opened adoptions, not yet anyway. Those same relatives can pack it up and move never getting in contact again. Don’t think it doesn’t happen.
As for how it feels, if I could find words to accurately describe it, I would post it on every site imaginable so no one else would be foolish enough to try it. gut wrenching painful doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface. It is one of the most unnatural things I can think of.
Your friend is 21, so whats the problem. No parent should go into raising a child on the contingency of having a partner to do it. Every parent should be prepared to continue alone should something happen. Besides 25 year old women are allowed to adopt now so what would the actual difference be for the child? A 21 year old single biological parent, or a 25 year old single adoptive parent. She’s scared, every first time parent is, that’s no excuse to run from your own child. smarmy
February 9th, 2010 at 10:27 am
I didn’t give up my baby, I never agreed to it but it still happened because I believed the lies I was told as I had been raised to respect my elders and believed what I was told. It was 23 years before I knew the extent of the lies told and I’m still finding out more lies 5 years after finding my son.
I agree with Smarmy, it’s gut wrenching, the pain never goes away so I have learnt to deal with it. Post reunion I had to deal with a whole load of feelings I’d buried including anger, shame, guilt sadness which I have had to work through including forgiving my parents for their part in my son being adopted. I have forgiven myself as well as whilst I didn’t stand a chance against my parents and adoption agency I blamed myself for not having the knowledge I have now. I also regret not knowing then what I know now and regret not doing a disappearing act when I had the chance. Pip
February 10th, 2010 at 12:49 pm
EVERYONE who put their babies up for adoption regrets it.
Support your friend right now, Her aunt and uncle can support her, and with all this support, she can be a brilliant mother herself. Spotty-Dotty
February 13th, 2010 at 3:21 am
I love children so I know how it must feel for someone to give up a child. Most people do regret it afterward and may/will cry about, thinking they made a mistake. I can understand your best friend feeling uncomfortable about her baby being around the father. I hope you can keep encouraging your friend about things like this and I hope she can work everything out. tiera l
February 14th, 2010 at 11:43 pm
You’re a mother (your other questions) so it’s not hard for you to imagine what being seperated permanently from your baby would feel like.
Something akin to having a limb amputed I would imagine
ETA: Oh yeah, Mom, if it’s so great why don’t you go ahead and give little Hailey away and ‘check in’ on her every once in a while - perfect, right H******
February 17th, 2010 at 9:28 pm
well , i suppose you could jolly well do that, and see for yourself what it FEELS like!!! heck ya, walmart girl and others are right on…if its so great , everyone would be doing it!! sex is pretty pleasurable and fun, and as far as i hear and see, everyone likes to do it!! uh, losing a child, whether it be from an illegal “adoption’ “rellingquishment” “surrendering” “giviing up” yeah, they have cleverly attached all sorts of catchy phrases to make it seem like such an honor, to have some infertile “deserving” couple raise your own child…
its a life long mistake, with both baby and natural mom and their own genetic families regretting and suffering for life!!!
she thinks that the aunt and uncle thing is the purrfect answer? whoa!!!! without giving details, i know for a fact, that you cant always trust “family” either..they can get really handsy and possessive, and be really sneaky with any legal paper that is drawn up with their attorney…i dont know what state you are in, but i wouldnt be in any rush to hand my baby over to my aunt and uncle, however, true, she has to do something!!
well, i would start of with testing the waters so to speak, by starting conversations with the aunt and uncle about this!!! see where it goes…you know them better than i, but , you COULD go so far as to ask them to their face, if they would in fact, forget who is really the mom, and take off with your child, or change legal work or be evasive with the attorney behind your back…
no one wants , whats happened to them to happen to you, hugs and godspeed to you and your friend my dear.. Rose-view my mind
February 20th, 2010 at 4:15 am
Think about what you just asked. I would rather of lost a leg, Than to have my baby raised by someone else. dontknow86
February 22nd, 2010 at 9:55 am
i didn’t give my child up but i was adopted from korea when i was 3 months old i obviously don’t remember anything but my mom said when she and my father flew to korea to get me that my birth mom was hysterical it is a hard thing to do but it is for the better. Me and my birth mom still communicate through letters and a translator but she said it was one of the hardest things she ever did but did not regret it because i have a good life now. Also giving a child up for adoption is not selfish because she would be doing the right thing if she cant take care of the baby then she is doing what is right for the baby. Sarah
February 25th, 2010 at 1:41 am
Please pass the following message on to your friend:
EITHER PARENT OR ABORT!
DO NOT ABANDON YOUR CHILD TO ADOPTION!
Seriously.
If you know you don’t want it now, then get an abortion before it’s too late, because if you abandon it, you’re screwing it up for life - and probably yourself too.
If you don’t want to abort, then please do not allow anyone pressure you into abandoning it.
I was abandoned to adoption at 7mths old. I didn’t have a bad adoption - my afamily are the best I could ever have chosen… but if I’d been able to choose, and I’d known then what I know now, I’d've chosen to be aborted before birth instead, ’cause at least that way the lifetime of agony I’ve gone through would’ve been over in minutes, instead of the decades that I’ve been suffering for now.
I’ve been in reunion with my bfam for a few months now, and even that’s proving to be completely agonising.
Taken from Nancy Verrier’s book, Coming Home to Self:
For the adoptee every day is a challenge of trying to figure out how to be, although he probably doesn’t understand the difficulty this presents for him. It has been true his whole life and, therefore, feels normal. However, it takes a great deal of energy and concentration. And it never feels quite right. He never quite fits. Therefore he feels as if /he/ is never quite right.
(pg 50)
Abandonment and neglect are reported to be the two most devastating experiences that children endure - even more devastating then sexual or physical abuse. That’s why some neglected children do naughty things to get attention. Even though the attention is hurtful - being yelled at, hit, or otherwise harmed - it is better than neglect. /Anything/ is better than abandonment. Abandonment is a child’s greatest fear. For adoptees, it is also reality, embedded in their implicit and unintegrated memory.
(pg 102)
It is sometimes difficult to spot grief in children. After all, it isn’t as if the child sits in a puddle of tears his entire childhood. As one adoptee said, “Of course I played, laughed, sang. Do people think that if you’re not sitting in a corner with your head on your knees, you are not sad? I had happy times, but the sadness was always there, even when I was having fun.”
(pg 117)
Please, if you’re not gonna abort your baby, then make damn sure you parent it.
Go read - it’s by someone who made both choices at different times in her life.
You may find some of the books and links listed over at useful.
Good luck. 7rin
February 27th, 2010 at 10:06 pm
Giving a child up for adoption isn’t selfish, its the most selfless thing you can do. You are giving the baby to someone else who you feel can take better care of the child then you can. I don’t see how that is selfish at all. Matthew’s Momma
March 2nd, 2010 at 3:48 pm
I gave up my twins when they were 6 mos. old. I was 18. It hurts so bad but I know that my choice was the best decision that I could of made. I could of never done what their adoptive parents have done. I still have bad days and good days and its like this it never ever goes away. She will always think and wonder what if. If she believes that she can’t do it without any help then she should go for it. And you as a friend should be there for her no matter what. It is expensive raising kids and sometimes letting someone else raise them is the best. Good luck CreelK
March 6th, 2010 at 2:01 am
My mom gave up my sister when i was 10 im 14 now. It was really hard for the family and all but its her choice and everyone uslally regrets it afterwards so all you can do is try to help her and see if you can help her support the baby but remember dont try to change her choice because it is her decision aLEX
March 8th, 2010 at 3:19 pm
How does it feel? It feels like a piece of yourself has been disposed of. When I saw my son after twenty years, I felt like a whole person again, of which I forgot what that felt like. But even establishing a relationship with him, has parts of me that feel empty/alone/depressed. For him too. It’s like we have to continue to achieve, do the impossible, looking for a sense of gratification, within. Because adoption is loss. It’s unnatural loss between two things that grew together and from one another. Your friend won’t be able to move from it. She can go off to college, find a nice husband, start a family, live in a nice house, etc etc, and she’ll be a emotional mess inside. Forever, even if she’s lucky to have a reunion with her child years later.
By the way, she’s not selfish, she’s in love with the baby she has in her tummy so much so that she thinks he/she deserves better than what she has to offer. You need to lift her spirits and support her if you are a friend. Society has pinned her as a ‘bad girl’. She’s just a girl who got caught. If birth control wasn’t an option, we would all be having a lot of babies. hmmm. Cleopatra
March 8th, 2010 at 6:58 pm
Adoption is not selfish at all. It also wouldn’t make your best friend the worst person in world, it’s not as bad as everyone thinks. It’s 2010 folks, not 1984, where a woman gives up her baby and doesn’t see or hear from her child until 20 years later. Your best friend can place her child for an open adoption and be as involved as she likes. There are birth-moms out there that live within a one-block radius to their adoptive families and are more than welcomed to visit and play with their little pride and joy. Of course, it wouldn’t be the same as having her baby in her own home, but only she can know what she can handle. Ask your friend if she’s ready… mentally. And it’s not just something she can get into gear with. Babies aren’t cute forever. She has to think and plan years ahead, not just 100 dirty diapers ahead. Your friend should consider where she wants her baby raised, what kind of surroundings does she want her child to be around? Would keeping her child mean exposing her little one to violence, drugs, gangs, etc.? Another thing, it’s not just whether or not she can support the baby financially. It’s whether she is mentally capable. Sure, she can work two jobs and even get aid from the government, whatever. It’s possible. But, if she ends up working day and night, and misses out on her son’s/daughter’s childhood while babysitters raise her child, what’s the point? She might as well call up the adoption agency, pick out the adoptive couple that she believes is best for her baby, and have people she trusts to love and nurture her child.
And about the regretting part - Yes, everyone that has placed their baby for adoption, has and will wonder for the rest of their lives, “what if.” But, what most birth-moms regret is being young and naive, and irresponsible enough to even get pregnant in the first place. A birth-mom should never doubt herself for the decision shes made. If your friend goes through with the adoption, I guarantee you, there will be days where she will hate herself, and hate her life for being the way it is, but once she realizes how great it is to bring such a beautiful thing into the world, and then have the courage to be able to give it, not just life, but a BETTER one, she won’t regret giving her child everything she hoped for. willbear
March 10th, 2010 at 6:18 pm
Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary situation. No matter what year it is, the process of separating mother from child is traumatic for the child, and early separations can cause disruptions to the normal neuro-chemical and psychological development of the child. If it is at all possible, I recommend parenting. If parenting is not possible for the short term, then perhaps a kinship fostering arrangement can be reached with the aunt and uncle that will allow your friend to be as much of a parent as she can be, while the child is raised by the aunt and uncle. This should be done with the understanding that the mother child bond is still intact and the mother’s parental rights are not terminated, but the aunt and uncle are acting as her agents. (This is a very common practice in many parts of the world.)
From the point of view of the psychological impact on the mother, relinquishing a child is also traumatic, and mothers go through a grieving process very similar to that for the death of a child. Many believe that they made the right decision for their child, in some cases these mothers are in denial and can’t bear to look at accepting any other view; still others regret their choices. Many mothers have been promised “open adoptions” that allow varying degrees of contact with the child and have been disappointed when the adoption was closed after it became final. Other mothers have found it difficult to find closure while participating in an open adoption, and have withdrawn rather than expose themselves to the recurring pain of not being able to take their child home. Many turn to drugs of alcohol as a means of escaping the pain.
The decision to relinquish can be either selfish or selfless, depending on the motives of the mother. All too often it is something that is thought to be in the best interests of the child but is based on faulty information. The same is true for the adopters, though it is more often self-interest that motivates them (though they will rationalize it otherwise.)
I know of two young ladies who were born with fathers who were in prison when they were born. One is 25 now, and the other is 15. Both of them were raised in loving homes by step-fathers who love them deeply. Both of them now have contact with their biological fathers (one is still in prison) and both of them are well adjusted, normal girls. Their mothers didn’t starve or live off of welfare. Both of their mothers have gone on to higher education, one has been a stay at home mom, the other has pursued a rather adventurous career. Tad W
March 14th, 2010 at 3:19 am
Like others here, I don’t believe giving a child up for adoption is selfish. I gave my son up 11 years ago. I was 20 and working full time, going to school full time and living at home. I was financially, mentally, and emotionally unprepared to be a mother and the father wasn’t in the picture (very bad circumstances). It was hard and I still physically ache about it sometimes, but I don’t regret it. It was the best decision in the circumstances for both of us. He got two loving parents who really wanted a child and could provide for him. I got the peace of mind knowing he was ok. Lisa M
March 16th, 2010 at 8:14 am
Getting a fulltime job while being a single parent is a lot easier said than done. Personally, I think it’s selfish to keep a child if the child’s father may be in jail and therefore the child doens’t have a father.
Since you’re mentioning selfishness, think to yourself, “What is best for this child?” Perhaps a loving two parent home is exactly what’s best for this child. MARY R.
March 17th, 2010 at 5:12 pm
Loosing my child to adoption was a horrible experience and it continues until the end of my time. I do not recommend it as a solution, but for abuse or if the parent’s are dead. There is so much manipulation out there for young mother’s to relinquish as a solve all. It solves nothing but, creates a lot more issues for child and mother. The child deserves to be cared for and loved by it’s natural mother and family if at all possible. We need to support family. Not tear it apart. Damitra
March 17th, 2010 at 10:08 pm
I am a birth mother and have NO regrets about it. I even see this child now and have no maternal feelings for him. What you think is best for your life is very different from what she may be dealing with and what she feels is best. I adopted out my child because i was not ready to be a mom. I knew i was not ready. Yes i had sex. Yes i knew that pregnancy was a possibility when having sex wether protected or not. I also knew i COULD take care of a child on my own. The big thing for me was that i wasnt ready to be a mom. I was very selfish in my desires, lifestyle, whatever you want to call it. Caring for a child was doable but completely unfair to the child. I looked for a family who couldnt have their own and wanted to adopt more than one. I found a wonderful family for the child of my body. He though is the child of her heart. That means sooooo much more than blood and uterus.
You calling her slefish by wanting a normal 21yr old life is horrid. I feel that her realizing she is not in a mental position to care for a kid is completely unselfish. While i have no regrets about my desicion it was the HARDEST thing i have yet had to do in my life. I held him in my arms when he was born and cried. Be supportive of her choices. Its not your life……..its not your choice. Hopefully you can just love and support her no matter what. It will be the hardest thing she will ever do. mrshamilton06
March 20th, 2010 at 12:03 pm
Everyone who started their answer with “although I never gave a child up…” has no right to try to tell you how you should support your friend.
The main thing that I want to say is that the people who have never given a child up for adoption should have no right to give you advice. I am pregnant and know that for myself adoption is the best thing for my child. I’m not running from my responsibility I’m am doing the responsible thing and helping to give my child a life that it deserves to live. I know that your friend is 21, but that doesn’t make her ready for a child, and giving her child to family could prove to be the wrong choice. I know form experience also that family can be cruel and do very terrible things when they seem like nice people.
In the end, its her choice and its her decision to live with. But as her best friend you shouldn’t be trying to tell her what to do its not your baby, its not you who will have to raise a child knowing it could have a better life with an adoptive family, or know that you aren’t giving your child everything you dreamed of giving it. I’m 18, I may be younger, but if she wants to do this than its her choice…
NO ONE has the right to tell her to be a parent or abort her baby, abortion isn’t an easy answer and its not a fast way out, that haunts you for years and possibly life. NO ONE should try to be forcing your friend to give away or keep her baby.
Again, what I think the best thing for YOU to do is just be supportive of your friend no matter her choice and to not judge her after she makes it. If she decides to go with adoption, don’t act like you know how she feels or what she is going through, that will only push her away, I just almost lost a friend until I explained to them why I was so mad.
I don’t know how she will feel after, because I’m not there yet, but if she knows that she loves her child so much but she can’t possibly dream of giving it the life she would want it to have with her resources now… can’t she at least get some peace after giving it up from the fact that maybe this was the best thing for the child? That her child is happy and loved, not just by her, but by two people who she gave the world to? Two people who for whatever reason couldn’t have their own child?
The thought that some people think that adoption is such a bad thing, that if you made it you HAVE to take care of it, that there might not be people out there who can can’t have their own kids. As weird as this may be, I get joy out of knowing that I am bringing to two people something that they have only dreamed about, something that they need someone else for…. and I can help them, I can make them happy and at the same time know my child is loved…. maybe getting mad at all those earlier responses helped me more than you just now. Alicia