Comments on: How did you feel giving up your baby for adoption?

By: Alicia

Alicia — Sat, 20 Mar 2010 17:03:27 +0000

Everyone who started their answer with “although I never gave a child up…” has no right to try to tell you how you should support your friend.
The main thing that I want to say is that the people who have never given a child up for adoption should have no right to give you advice. I am pregnant and know that for myself adoption is the best thing for my child. I’m not running from my responsibility I’m am doing the responsible thing and helping to give my child a life that it deserves to live. I know that your friend is 21, but that doesn’t make her ready for a child, and giving her child to family could prove to be the wrong choice. I know form experience also that family can be cruel and do very terrible things when they seem like nice people.
In the end, its her choice and its her decision to live with. But as her best friend you shouldn’t be trying to tell her what to do its not your baby, its not you who will have to raise a child knowing it could have a better life with an adoptive family, or know that you aren’t giving your child everything you dreamed of giving it. I’m 18, I may be younger, but if she wants to do this than its her choice…

NO ONE has the right to tell her to be a parent or abort her baby, abortion isn’t an easy answer and its not a fast way out, that haunts you for years and possibly life. NO ONE should try to be forcing your friend to give away or keep her baby.

Again, what I think the best thing for YOU to do is just be supportive of your friend no matter her choice and to not judge her after she makes it. If she decides to go with adoption, don’t act like you know how she feels or what she is going through, that will only push her away, I just almost lost a friend until I explained to them why I was so mad.

I don’t know how she will feel after, because I’m not there yet, but if she knows that she loves her child so much but she can’t possibly dream of giving it the life she would want it to have with her resources now… can’t she at least get some peace after giving it up from the fact that maybe this was the best thing for the child? That her child is happy and loved, not just by her, but by two people who she gave the world to? Two people who for whatever reason couldn’t have their own child?

The thought that some people think that adoption is such a bad thing, that if you made it you HAVE to take care of it, that there might not be people out there who can can’t have their own kids. As weird as this may be, I get joy out of knowing that I am bringing to two people something that they have only dreamed about, something that they need someone else for…. and I can help them, I can make them happy and at the same time know my child is loved…. maybe getting mad at all those earlier responses helped me more than you just now. Alicia

By: mrshamilton06

mrshamilton06 — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 03:08:25 +0000

I am a birth mother and have NO regrets about it. I even see this child now and have no maternal feelings for him. What you think is best for your life is very different from what she may be dealing with and what she feels is best. I adopted out my child because i was not ready to be a mom. I knew i was not ready. Yes i had sex. Yes i knew that pregnancy was a possibility when having sex wether protected or not. I also knew i COULD take care of a child on my own. The big thing for me was that i wasnt ready to be a mom. I was very selfish in my desires, lifestyle, whatever you want to call it. Caring for a child was doable but completely unfair to the child. I looked for a family who couldnt have their own and wanted to adopt more than one. I found a wonderful family for the child of my body. He though is the child of her heart. That means sooooo much more than blood and uterus.

You calling her slefish by wanting a normal 21yr old life is horrid. I feel that her realizing she is not in a mental position to care for a kid is completely unselfish. While i have no regrets about my desicion it was the HARDEST thing i have yet had to do in my life. I held him in my arms when he was born and cried. Be supportive of her choices. Its not your life……..its not your choice. Hopefully you can just love and support her no matter what. It will be the hardest thing she will ever do. mrshamilton06

By: Damitra

Damitra — Wed, 17 Mar 2010 22:12:01 +0000

Loosing my child to adoption was a horrible experience and it continues until the end of my time. I do not recommend it as a solution, but for abuse or if the parent’s are dead. There is so much manipulation out there for young mother’s to relinquish as a solve all. It solves nothing but, creates a lot more issues for child and mother. The child deserves to be cared for and loved by it’s natural mother and family if at all possible. We need to support family. Not tear it apart. Damitra

By: MARY R.

MARY R. — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 13:14:46 +0000

Getting a fulltime job while being a single parent is a lot easier said than done. Personally, I think it’s selfish to keep a child if the child’s father may be in jail and therefore the child doens’t have a father.
Since you’re mentioning selfishness, think to yourself, “What is best for this child?” Perhaps a loving two parent home is exactly what’s best for this child. MARY R.

By: Lisa M

Lisa M — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 08:19:10 +0000

Like others here, I don’t believe giving a child up for adoption is selfish. I gave my son up 11 years ago. I was 20 and working full time, going to school full time and living at home. I was financially, mentally, and emotionally unprepared to be a mother and the father wasn’t in the picture (very bad circumstances). It was hard and I still physically ache about it sometimes, but I don’t regret it. It was the best decision in the circumstances for both of us. He got two loving parents who really wanted a child and could provide for him. I got the peace of mind knowing he was ok. Lisa M

By: Tad W

Tad W — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 23:18:04 +0000

Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary situation. No matter what year it is, the process of separating mother from child is traumatic for the child, and early separations can cause disruptions to the normal neuro-chemical and psychological development of the child. If it is at all possible, I recommend parenting. If parenting is not possible for the short term, then perhaps a kinship fostering arrangement can be reached with the aunt and uncle that will allow your friend to be as much of a parent as she can be, while the child is raised by the aunt and uncle. This should be done with the understanding that the mother child bond is still intact and the mother’s parental rights are not terminated, but the aunt and uncle are acting as her agents. (This is a very common practice in many parts of the world.)

From the point of view of the psychological impact on the mother, relinquishing a child is also traumatic, and mothers go through a grieving process very similar to that for the death of a child. Many believe that they made the right decision for their child, in some cases these mothers are in denial and can’t bear to look at accepting any other view; still others regret their choices. Many mothers have been promised “open adoptions” that allow varying degrees of contact with the child and have been disappointed when the adoption was closed after it became final. Other mothers have found it difficult to find closure while participating in an open adoption, and have withdrawn rather than expose themselves to the recurring pain of not being able to take their child home. Many turn to drugs of alcohol as a means of escaping the pain.

The decision to relinquish can be either selfish or selfless, depending on the motives of the mother. All too often it is something that is thought to be in the best interests of the child but is based on faulty information. The same is true for the adopters, though it is more often self-interest that motivates them (though they will rationalize it otherwise.)

I know of two young ladies who were born with fathers who were in prison when they were born. One is 25 now, and the other is 15. Both of them were raised in loving homes by step-fathers who love them deeply. Both of them now have contact with their biological fathers (one is still in prison) and both of them are well adjusted, normal girls. Their mothers didn’t starve or live off of welfare. Both of their mothers have gone on to higher education, one has been a stay at home mom, the other has pursued a rather adventurous career. Tad W

By: willbear

willbear — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 23:58:58 +0000

Adoption is not selfish at all. It also wouldn’t make your best friend the worst person in world, it’s not as bad as everyone thinks. It’s 2010 folks, not 1984, where a woman gives up her baby and doesn’t see or hear from her child until 20 years later. Your best friend can place her child for an open adoption and be as involved as she likes. There are birth-moms out there that live within a one-block radius to their adoptive families and are more than welcomed to visit and play with their little pride and joy. Of course, it wouldn’t be the same as having her baby in her own home, but only she can know what she can handle. Ask your friend if she’s ready… mentally. And it’s not just something she can get into gear with. Babies aren’t cute forever. She has to think and plan years ahead, not just 100 dirty diapers ahead. Your friend should consider where she wants her baby raised, what kind of surroundings does she want her child to be around? Would keeping her child mean exposing her little one to violence, drugs, gangs, etc.? Another thing, it’s not just whether or not she can support the baby financially. It’s whether she is mentally capable. Sure, she can work two jobs and even get aid from the government, whatever. It’s possible. But, if she ends up working day and night, and misses out on her son’s/daughter’s childhood while babysitters raise her child, what’s the point? She might as well call up the adoption agency, pick out the adoptive couple that she believes is best for her baby, and have people she trusts to love and nurture her child.

And about the regretting part - Yes, everyone that has placed their baby for adoption, has and will wonder for the rest of their lives, “what if.” But, what most birth-moms regret is being young and naive, and irresponsible enough to even get pregnant in the first place. A birth-mom should never doubt herself for the decision shes made. If your friend goes through with the adoption, I guarantee you, there will be days where she will hate herself, and hate her life for being the way it is, but once she realizes how great it is to bring such a beautiful thing into the world, and then have the courage to be able to give it, not just life, but a BETTER one, she won’t regret giving her child everything she hoped for. willbear

By: Cleopatra

Cleopatra — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 20:19:27 +0000

How does it feel? It feels like a piece of yourself has been disposed of. When I saw my son after twenty years, I felt like a whole person again, of which I forgot what that felt like. But even establishing a relationship with him, has parts of me that feel empty/alone/depressed. For him too. It’s like we have to continue to achieve, do the impossible, looking for a sense of gratification, within. Because adoption is loss. It’s unnatural loss between two things that grew together and from one another. Your friend won’t be able to move from it. She can go off to college, find a nice husband, start a family, live in a nice house, etc etc, and she’ll be a emotional mess inside. Forever, even if she’s lucky to have a reunion with her child years later.
By the way, she’s not selfish, she’s in love with the baby she has in her tummy so much so that she thinks he/she deserves better than what she has to offer. You need to lift her spirits and support her if you are a friend. Society has pinned her as a ‘bad girl’. She’s just a girl who got caught. If birth control wasn’t an option, we would all be having a lot of babies. hmmm. Cleopatra

By: aLEX

aLEX — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 07:01:26 +0000

My mom gave up my sister when i was 10 im 14 now. It was really hard for the family and all but its her choice and everyone uslally regrets it afterwards so all you can do is try to help her and see if you can help her support the baby but remember dont try to change her choice because it is her decision aLEX

By: CreelK

CreelK — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 20:48:55 +0000

I gave up my twins when they were 6 mos. old. I was 18. It hurts so bad but I know that my choice was the best decision that I could of made. I could of never done what their adoptive parents have done. I still have bad days and good days and its like this it never ever goes away. She will always think and wonder what if. If she believes that she can’t do it without any help then she should go for it. And you as a friend should be there for her no matter what. It is expensive raising kids and sometimes letting someone else raise them is the best. Good luck CreelK