How to plan an “adoption” baby shower when money is all they need?
ItsMe asked:
My cousins have just adopted an infant, something they have been waiting for for about 8 years. In that time they have acquired all the babies material needs (furniture, clothes etc.), however they accumulated a large amount of debt during the adoption process. Now that we are able to finally have a “baby shower” all they really need is financial help. Is it inappropriate to ask for money on the invitation instead of the usual registering for “stuff”? If it’s not inappropriate, do you have any ideas of how to “word” that on an invitation?
Wow, I didn’t realize I would get such “strong” responses from this.
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My cousins have just adopted an infant, something they have been waiting for for about 8 years. In that time they have acquired all the babies material needs (furniture, clothes etc.), however they accumulated a large amount of debt during the adoption process. Now that we are able to finally have a “baby shower” all they really need is financial help. Is it inappropriate to ask for money on the invitation instead of the usual registering for “stuff”? If it’s not inappropriate, do you have any ideas of how to “word” that on an invitation?
Wow, I didn’t realize I would get such “strong” responses from this.
But I wanted to add a little more detail becasue it seems that my “good intentions” are a little misunderstood.
What I’m tryingn to say, is that people WILL bring gifts, I have no doubt about that, but the idea behind my questions is that instead of the parents getting 22 receiving blankets and 5 bathtubs, etc. that a gift in the form of a donation, maybe to a college fund, would be money better spent by caring family members who want to participate in this joyus occasion.
And, by the way, to those that seem to think the parents are “poor” or that “if they BOUGHT the kid, then they should expect to be in debt” I’m sorry that you think that, it’s quite the opposite, but thanks for your pitiful input.
September 25th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
on the invitation tell people you intend to have a money tree and that no gifts they can add there money to the tree when they arrive, you should explain it just like you have in your question people will understand, you can buy one of those trees on line or make it yourself melissa s
September 26th, 2009 at 6:01 am
I’m afraid that I do consider it inappropriate to ask for money in situations like these. Jennifer L
September 26th, 2009 at 4:46 pm
Sorry ItsMe,
It is never appropriate to mention gifts of any sort on any invitations. There is no polite way to do that. Asking for money is especially tacky. We frequently see PAPs on this board asking how to get money so they can adopt newborns.
If your cousins couldn’t afford to adopt, how did they ever pass the financial qualifications in order to have a baby in their home now? If they really need some quick money, perhaps they could ebay some of their things they no longer want or need so they can get out of debt faster. Home-based businesses is another option for them to earn money.
I don’t understand why they would be having a baby shower if they say they already have everything they need. The whole point of a baby shower is to provide the parents with needed items for the baby.
julie j
reunited adoptee julie j
September 27th, 2009 at 7:50 pm
I would just write:
“If you would like to bring a gift for ______ (monetary) donations would be very much appreciated”
While it may be weird to ask for money on an invitation, most people like the guidance anyways, and everybody usually brings something so they might as well get what they REALLY need and most people know that adoptions usually cost about $20,000 or more. nickistar23
September 28th, 2009 at 11:09 pm
it’s tacky to ask for money and realistically its up to an individual what they want to do, I personally like to search sale racks months ahead of time and get deals on off season things. You won’t really raise all that much money from a shower anyway. The only big ticket items I got were from my grandma and parents. lylotte
September 29th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
I don’t think it would be appropriate to ask for money, especially on the shower invitation. Invite friends and family to celebrate with you. Although gifts are traditional at baby showers, they should always be considered optional.
If people call to RSVP and specifically ask for gift ideas, I suppose it would be okay to suggest cash at that time. But, I think I’d offer cash as *one* option, not the only option. (As a guest, I’d feel weird giving cash at a baby shower.) There’s always *something* a new family needs, you just need to think outside the box a little more — maybe gift certificates for take-out food or housecleaning services while they get used to the new schedule, a membership to the zoo or museum, clothing in larger sizes (they grow too fast), diapers, books, etc.
I’m sure your guests will find a way to honor the new family, even without the traditional registry.
Good luck with your party, and congratulations to your cousins. Kim
September 30th, 2009 at 5:18 am
Don’t worry they’ll get a big tax credit anyway
Don’t embarrass your friends by sending out begging letters. Heather B
October 2nd, 2009 at 6:46 pm
Adoption Attorney: $1000
Homestudy: $3000
Agency approval: $15000
Travel: $8000
Her first smile: priceless
Come celebrate those smiles, and help Jane and John reduce their MasterCard debt, so that they can enjoy those smiles with fewer worries. mommy2squee
October 3rd, 2009 at 1:15 am
Asking for money=tacky. (Unless one needs it to save someone from a life threatening medical problem ).
I do agree with another user why would they require money if they have bought all baby items. If they can’t afford diapers and formula how did they fullfill the agency requirement ???
They can still do a baby registry and select items the baby will require as he goes into being a toddler. example: high chair, car seat for toddlers, sippy cup, potty training pants, clothes for a toddler, toy for a toddler etc.
ETA- The diaper, formula ,gerber registry suggestion is a very good one. You never have enough.
Sorry for the harsh responses you are receiving. I think it is very sweet of you. Winter
October 3rd, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Well, you could always ask for gift cards for gas or groceries or Target or something. That way the family could put that money towards debt instead, but people can buy them gifts. pineseedling
October 5th, 2009 at 8:21 am
If they have an infant then they will defintely need a supply of diapers, wipes, and formula. You could also encourage guests to buy things the child would need in the future (older baby toys)
I personally feel it is inapprorpiate to ask for funding for an adoption. Had I delivered a baby, I would not ask for help paying medical expenses. furfur
October 5th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
When someone buys a house, they are in a lot of debt too but you don’t bring money to their housewarming party.
Your intentions are really nice, but this is not appropriate and it may very well embarrass them. If they truly do have too much “stuff” maybe guests could donate new items to be given to a children’s shelter or something.
Otherwise, just throw a nice, tasteful party and don’t worry about the gifts. Asking for money to pay off debt? Tacky. And in today’s world, who doesn’t have debt? Welcome to the world of parenting. cruzgirlz3
October 7th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
Here’s the perfect wording.
“Instead of gifts, please just send cash to help us finish paying for our new bundle of joy…”
Honestly, however you word it, that is alot of what people will read. ♥Heather Leigh♥
October 10th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
easy answer: you don’t ask.
if they couldn’t afford the kid, they should not have bought one. anastasia beaverhausen
October 12th, 2009 at 5:53 pm
I don’t give cash at weddings, housewarming’s, graduations, bridal showers or to bums on the street.
Honestly if they went to the trouble of getting into debt so they could purchase a home would you be asking people for money for them? So why are they entitled to it since they went into debt to purchase a child?
Kids cause debt, plain and simple. If they weren’t prepared for that they didn’t think it through very well now did they? I’m in debt up to my arse from my naturally spawned offspring, wanna throw me a money party too? Probably not since I “couldn’t keep my legs closed” and your dear friends “wanted a baby so badly they were willing to do anything to get one, blah, blah, blah”
I’m really quite sick of the double standard that somehow allows adoptive parents extra sympathy and support. HOGWASH! Andraya
October 13th, 2009 at 8:44 am
Nice and tacky. This is especially even more train wrecking of an idea because many times the main reason why women are forced to consider relinquishing their baby is monetary reasons. magic pointe shoes
October 16th, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Register for diapers and formula. These are rather pricey and you ALWAYS need them. This should cut out a huge portion of the expenses of the first year. Don’t ask for money, because that is going to cause people a great deal of embarrassment for the couple in need. You can have a money tree at the entrance to the party if you want, but again, this can make people uncomfortable. DevonChaos
October 17th, 2009 at 5:14 am
I’m afraid that there is no way to request money donations on the invitation. Since the lucky parents already have all the baby items they need, why not suggest the parents theme the shower as a “build our child’s library” event? Even better: have a shower, ask for books for their baby, and ask for toys/clothes/formula/etc. for a local mother/baby charity? This could be phrased as “We are so blessed to have Baby in our lives. We know that some families are struggling and we invite you to bring X to donate to Charity.”
While you definitely cannot ask for money (even if you phrase it as a college fund), you can quietly put the word out that gift cards/checks are welcome. IceBreaker27
October 18th, 2009 at 10:00 pm
We adopted both of our children internationally, so I understand the position your cousins are in. many adoptive families buy all the baby nessesities during the process to make the wait easier, so the one thing that would be really be helpful is a little extra money. However, to be honest, I think that asking for money instead of gifts for a shower, wedding, etc. is always in VERY poor taste, no matter how you word it.
People like to buy things for the new baby, that they imangine the baby will use, but many people don’t like to just give people money. Also, even though your cousins are financially stable, and just needed to take out a loan to cover sizeable fees, asking for money may make them sound “needy”, or like they’re expecting others to pay back their debt for them (even if that’s not their intention at all).
If they really don’t need any more basic baby items, you could have a “diaper shower”, since diapers and wipes are something they will continue to need, and would be one less thing they have to spend their money on. Or you could point to something specific that might be useful, like stating that they would love to have baby books for her book shelf and have everyone write a message inside to the baby. This way no one is wasting their money on things they don’t need, but they still feel they’re giving something to the baby rather then helping pay off the parents credit card bill.
I hope this helps, good luck with the shower! Angela R
October 19th, 2009 at 9:26 am
Using the bridal shower as a fund raiser is tacky and inappropriate.
Just think how much better off this child would have been with his/her natural mother if she even had a quarter of the amt spent on this purchase.
I would suggest telling your friend that it was inappropriate for her to adopt this child. Independant
October 19th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
are you serious????
hell, my husband and i acquired a ton a debt from grad school and medical school loans. we have chosen helping professions and believe that many have benefited from our educational investment…
where can i mail your invitation to our “pay off my student loans” party?
your request is beyond inappropriate. tish
October 20th, 2009 at 1:06 am
im not gonna be like nearly every other person on here.
if you dont think it’s appropriate to ask for money, they could always take the presents, say thanks and maybe sell the really unwanted ones?
maybe they could hint that they are in a little bit of debt, and maybe could do with some money, or show the people coming to the shower all the things they already have for baby, so they dont know of anything else to get them. Lucy Babes
October 23rd, 2009 at 11:15 am
Yes people on here can be very harsh with their answers!
I don’t think its a bad idea, I know I’d rather give some one what they NEED rather then waste my money on something they will not use.
I just had my daughters 6th bday party and I included gift ideas and asked for no toys (she has way too many) and listed things she needed and everyone said how helpful it actually was.
And giving money doesn’t have to be boring, many gift certificates could be bought so that they could save money they’d normally spend (say on diapers…) when using a gift card.
Good luck! lisa o
October 23rd, 2009 at 7:46 pm
yes i would say we have all the items we need and more so we’re putting up a money tree if you would like to put a few dollars on it in place of a gift….. now most people buy a gift that is a bond to the baby and you thats why they buy it and thats why you have a party so ppl can bond with you.oh!more than likley you will know all the ppl you invite so don’t worry about these other ppl on here who apparenly invite strangers to their shower.lol a.mcmillan2008
October 27th, 2009 at 5:54 am
I agree with Devon,
Register at Babies R US of Target or Walmart and register for diapers/wipes/baby food.
These are things you will always need and those 3 stores have a phenomenal return policy! They will take almost anything back and give you store credit.
That way, they can take back whats needed and build up a decent store credit to buy gorceries.
It’s a touchy subject and I hope it works out!
Good Luck! L-train
October 30th, 2009 at 11:52 am
Simple etiquette states that it is inappropriate to ask directly for money. I thought everybody knew that. Isabel A
October 30th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
Adoptive mom here,
I think your heart is in the right place, however, I agree that money is inappropraite, and I would say this even if this was a shower celebrating a birth.
Even if your friends have everything they need, speaking from experience, parents of an infant can never have enough diapers, wipes, bibs, onesies and formula. Believe me they will be very thankful for it.
If the guests would like to do something more “special” to celebrate the little one’s arrival then they can think outside the box and instead of a wrapped gift they can offer a month of their service doing laundry or making meals. I remember vividly how touched I was that when I came home from China and my fridge was fully stocked and for 3 months my laundry was done, folded and put away. It allowed hubby and I precious bonding time.
Gifts comes in many different packages. Kazi
November 1st, 2009 at 6:03 am
I do not think it is appropriate to mention gifts or money on an invitation.
What people choose to give is what they choose to give.
However, you can choose to add to the invitation that gifts are not necessary as the baby has everything he/she needs and just their company for the celebration is enough. A simple “No gifts Please” or “Just bring yourself” would seem reasonable if they have everything for baby. If they are not poor, and do not need baby stuff, then why not cancel the shower and just have a Welcoming Baby get together to celebrate the new arrival.
If they are after a cash grab, perhaps it is better to let people know by word-of-mouth. Although a cash grab does not seem to be appropriate either. Sofiakat
November 3rd, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Sorry, but asking for money for gifts for a shower is tacky, tacky, tacky, and there is no excuse. How is the fact that they accrued debt relevant? Doodlestuff
November 6th, 2009 at 9:51 pm
OK.. lets start by saying I am in the process of adopting our foster child. There is a HUGE difference between adopting and “popping” a child out. When you adopt you are SAVING a child!! I think that your family is doing a wonderful job on saving a child.. Not everyone in the word is able or should adopt children.. The ones who “pop” children should sit back and not be so harsh when they see such a diffucult question..
I understand were this question is coming from.. We are in the same situation.. We have anything and everything that the child needs. Both of our families have been beyond helpful and ready to give us what we needed… The only things that the child needs are daily items.. Diapers etc.. We wanted to do the greenback but it is tacky.. the reason being is we wanted to put a swingset in the back and get the child all new bedroom set for his 2nd birthday, the one he is using is hand-me-downs and now that he is in a forever family he should be given the things he never had…
If it wasnt for “us” foster / adoptive family the children would grow up living in shelters and on the streets with out family.. Its so easy to judge until you open your ming and heart to a loving child..
Now back to the question… Have them register for gifts even if its clothes that the child will grown into.. Diapers.. I am sure this isnt a shower for the new parents to recieve gifts its more of a party to welcome the new child into your family.. there isnt a birth per say or a anything a typical birthing parent goes through..
Your family is special and must know that they are loving a child that its own parents didnt want!!!! ot2hvfn
November 7th, 2009 at 7:46 pm
Well you definitely got some strong input on this question, a lot of your answers are probably NOT what you were looking for. I will add my 2 cents politely. It is definitely inappropriate and tacky to ask for money at a baby shower. Part of adopting, is paying for the fee’s. Part of Parenting, is paying for your children’s needs. Although your intentions are ever so very very kind, just throw them a baby shower, they can return what they don’t need, just like any other mother would. Good Luck. Congratulations to your cousin, and their new bundle of joy. Waiting4mychildren2comehome
November 9th, 2009 at 11:07 pm
This is a tricky one. I would, maybe, call the close friends and famiy that you would be comfortable sharing your “financial” gift idea with. Tell them about their situatin and your ideas for contributing to their family in this way. Send out regular invites for EVERYONE but have one on one conversations with the ones that CAN help and who KNOW and UNDERSTAND their situation.
Take it off the table and, instead, do everything normally with this suggested, in person, to those that are most able to help.
Its funky ground, from an etiquette standpoint. These are tough times for a lot of people and you could offend some people with this. diapercakesbybecca
November 10th, 2009 at 10:47 am
Asking for cash is always a bit difficult, but in this case since you’re asking and not the parents, it’s a bit different.
I would put something on the invitation like, “We are inviting you to this celebration in honor of the new Smith family. Gifts are absolutely not required. In fact, Jennifer and Steven haven’t registered anywhere because they have wanted little Emily for so long the nursery is already completely stocked! However, I have started a college fund for Emily. If you would like to contribute in leiu of a gift, feel free. Otherwise, remember that diapers and formula are always welcome”
There are a couple of ideas for the college fund. The “money tree” thing seems a little tacky to me, but if it was done well you could pull it off. Maybe instead of having a tree you could have a little graduation cap instead… You could also just have people put cash into cards, or have a “wishing well”. You may even try visiting local banks to see what they have to offer in terms of college funds and/or children’s savings accounts. They may be able to set one up for you that people could donate to directly. This could even be a good long term thing. I know that my parents and grandparents often just make donations into my sons account instead of getting him large gifts. Like, if my grandparents would normally spend $100 on Christmas, but he doesn’t need or want anything that costs that much, they’ll give him something little to open that costs about $20 and have me put the other $80 in his savings account. (Since my son’s birthday and christmas are nearly back to back, we do this alot!) Some states even have “prepaid tuition funds”, so you might look into that as well.
Other things people have suggested are really good ideas too. Registering at Wal-Mart and Target for gifts is a great idea. Those can always be returned for store credit if they’re not needed. Also, if they only register for a few things (like larger sized diapers, formula, and gift cards) most people will take the hint. I also think that some gift registries are starting to let people put a certain amount of money towards larger gifts! This would be a great idea if they wanted to put a playscape or something for the child in the backyard.
Anyway, goodluck! littleJaina
November 13th, 2009 at 2:15 am
I think the idea from mommy2squee is just the cutest !! **Jessica**