I am putting my baby up for Adoption, what method is better for the baby?
kylethebad asked:
What method will help the baby later on in life? Closed Adoption Semi open or open? I would like to hear from someone that has had this or has a kid that has gone over this. If you need more info Email me at kreese2010@hotmail.com
Also i am 19 and my girlfriend is 20. We are both in school. I want give it up to some one who can give my baby a life i cant.
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What method will help the baby later on in life? Closed Adoption Semi open or open? I would like to hear from someone that has had this or has a kid that has gone over this. If you need more info Email me at kreese2010@hotmail.com
Also i am 19 and my girlfriend is 20. We are both in school. I want give it up to some one who can give my baby a life i cant.
April 19th, 2010 at 9:43 pm
i think you sholudn’t do that at all. im not a parent and i haven’t been throught your situation. But i know what it feels to not have one parent living with me. So in my opinion. Keep the child. The child has a write to know who her resl parents are. Jamar
April 21st, 2010 at 9:09 pm
I have not adopted any children yet and I am not adopted, but I think open adoption would be best in your situation. You sound like you really care about your baby. In an open adoption you can communicate with the adoptive parents, get pictures and even see your child every once in a while usually. You have to talk with the parents about what you are looking for though. I think adoption is wonderful, you will be making a loving family very happy! I plan on adopting after I have a few kids of my own, but from different countries so it most likely will not be open adoption since they will already be in an orphanage or adoption center. Talk to your girlfriend about your options. You can contact an adoption agency and look through couple profiles to pick one you like. You also get to meet them and determine if they are right for your child. Best of luck! Tess
April 24th, 2010 at 12:54 pm
i have never been in ur situation but if i were you id do an open adoption. that way later in life your child isn’t out there looking for you wondering y you left them and feeling unloved. i bet you love your unborn child and you are trying to do what is best for the child and im happy that you weren’t like so many others and you didn’t kill the baby. but i think an open adoption is best that way you can still be involved in the child’s life and you can tell him or her how hard it was for you to give them up but it was what you needed to do to give them a loving family and a better life. and as for ppl telling you to keep the baby i will tell you this it’s better to give your child to a loving home where they have everything than them be with you if you can’t provide for them. good luck sweetie sharah
April 25th, 2010 at 11:13 am
Only you know if you can give the child the homes it deserves. Also there are tons of amazing people who cant have kids. They deserve a chance. I say congrats for 1. Not aborting 2. Thinking of your child.
Not to answer your question but I think its great! feliciam4christ
April 27th, 2010 at 12:06 am
Open adoptions are not legally enforceable. Once the adoption is finalized, the adoptive parents can end communication with no legal consequences. There is now way to force them into contact, so you are pretty much screwed at that point.
I was 20 and in college when I got pregnant with my first child. I made it work. It was hard, but it was the best thing for my baby. She needed me. She is almost 11 years old now, and she’s amazing.
Adoption has many, many negative consequences for both the child and the first family. You can parent this child. There are resources available to help out people who are in your exact situation. DevonChaos
April 29th, 2010 at 9:52 am
You say…”I want give it up to some one”…what does your girlfriend, the mother of her/your child, have to say about what you “want”? Are you trying to get rid of your responsibilities via adoption, so that you don’t have to be a father and financially support YOUR child that YOU helped to create? Newborns are not disposable items…to be disposed of because he/she may be an inconvenience, a financial liability to either parent. The mother of your child, also has to consent to surrender her parental rights to her own child. Losing a child to adoption, whether closed, open or semi-open doesn’t matter…for most mothers a loss is a loss is a loss of her baby. And I hope you also know that any semi or open adoption is not legally enforceable and can be closed at anytime by the aparents, with NO legal recourse for the natural mother/parents.
No method of adoption helps “the baby later in life”…especially when the surrender/adoption has taken place where no abuse/neglect has ever happened.
Man Up! Do the right thing and be a 24/7 Dad to and for your own child. gypsywinter
April 30th, 2010 at 2:25 pm
Pull up your bootstraps and be a man. You made it and you’re responsible for that. You’re going to be a father whether you dump the baby on someone else or not and whichever method of dumping the baby off on someone else won’t change that.
Don’t expect any thanks from the dumpee; the excuses are pathetic.
The ones praising you are most likely the may eager vultures awaiting to pounce their prey and score themselves a newborn (either for themselves or those adoption industry hacks looking to make money off the transaction)
Bet your inbox is full of baby begging emails by now. Good luck with that H******
May 3rd, 2010 at 12:47 pm
Whenever a child loses a parent it is tragic regardless of the reason. Every kid wants to be with his parents. Sure the outcome may be fine, they may be lucky enough to get wonderful parents and a full, happy life but they still had to suffer the tragedy of being given up and that will always be a part of them no matter what kind of adoption they have. Being adopted will always be a part of their identity regardless of what type of family they fall into.
That said, I believe as an adoptee that open adoptions are best. An open door with access to truth and knowledge and history is better than secrecy. Problem is that open adoptions are not legally enforceable. I can see that you may feel you have no other option, and adoption is certainly one option in dealing with crisis situations. Just don’t fool yourself into thinking this is a good thing for your child or for you. You and your child will never get over it. It is always sad when a child loses their family. cruzgirlz3
May 3rd, 2010 at 8:43 pm
I would suggest a semi-open adoption. It’s kind of the “happy medium”. A friend of mine did an open adoption and the birth parentss are very involved in their daughter’s life. They attend birthday parties and visit with her once or twice a year. That’s not really my preference, but it seems to work in their case. The last child my family adopted was 2 days old when we brought him home. Only the birth mother was involved and she asked for a semi-open adoption. We send photos and written updates to her email address twice a year. She’s chosen not to respond to the emails, but at least she has the option. We’re now working on our 3rd adoption where both birth parents are in the picture. They’ve asked for a closed adoption, however we made arrangements with our agency to hold photos and such in their file so they can pick them up if they choose to. What you really should do is picture what involvement YOU want to have with this child in 5 years. While you may not see yourself being in his/her life immediately after birth, you may want to receive information yearly later on. Or, the opposite might also be true and you picture a lot of involvement right away, but in a few years, you may not want that strong connection. Just choose wisely NOW, because it’s not realistic for you to change your mind later on. TM
May 5th, 2010 at 3:34 am
You say YOU want to give the child up for adoption…what does the child’s mother say? If she wants to parent, then she will. You can’t make her give the child up for adoption.
However if this is something you both want, you should know that open adoption is not at all legally enforceable. If you place a child for adoption you need to be prepared to never see or know about the child again.
Adoption is rarely about what is best for the child. The adoptive parents hold all the cards and sadly they end up doing what they want which is usually closing an open adoption.
As an adopted person, I think that being raised by the parents (meaning biological parents) is what is best for a child. If that isn’t possible then a family adoption (meaning someone from the child’s family i.e grandparent, aunt, ect) would be second choice.
The next best choice is an open adoption, but again, this only works for the child IF the adoptive parents keep the adoption open.
Closed adoption is the worst. The child will grow up not knowing a thing about their parents, heritage,or medical history. They will wonder why they were not good enough or loved enough to be kept. They will wonder who they look like, or where they get their musical ability from or if they have siblings. kidmindi
May 7th, 2010 at 2:53 am
The method that’s better for the baby is the one where you do NOT abandon it to adoption!
EITHER PARENT OR ABORT!
DO NOT ABANDON YOUR CHILD TO ADOPTION!
Seriously.
If you know you don’t want it now, then get an abortion before it’s too late, because if you abandon it, you’re screwing it up for life - and probably yourself too.
If you don’t want to abort, then please do not allow anyone pressure you into abandoning it.
Also, don’t listen to anyone suggesting that open adoption is the way to go - it is almost never legally enforceable! Many parents have lost access to their children due to “open” adoption promises. Please read and and before listening to the hype.
I was abandoned to adoption at 7mths old. I didn’t have a bad adoption - my afamily are the best I could ever have chosen… but if I’d been able to choose, and I’d known then what I know now, I’d've chosen to be aborted before birth instead, ’cause at least that way the lifetime of agony I’ve gone through would’ve been over in minutes, instead of the decades that I’ve been suffering for now.
I’ve been in reunion with my bfam for a few months now, and even that’s proving to be completely agonising.
Taken from Nancy Verrier’s book, Coming Home to Self:
For the adoptee every day is a challenge of trying to figure out how to be, although he probably doesn’t understand the difficulty this presents for him. It has been true his whole life and, therefore, feels normal. However, it takes a great deal of energy and concentration. And it never feels quite right. He never quite fits. Therefore he feels as if /he/ is never quite right.
(pg 50)
Abandonment and neglect are reported to be the two most devastating experiences that children endure - even more devastating then sexual or physical abuse. That’s why some neglected children do naughty things to get attention. Even though the attention is hurtful - being yelled at, hit, or otherwise harmed - it is better than neglect. /Anything/ is better than abandonment. Abandonment is a child’s greatest fear. For adoptees, it is also reality, embedded in their implicit and unintegrated memory.
(pg 102)
It is sometimes difficult to spot grief in children. After all, it isn’t as if the child sits in a puddle of tears his entire childhood. As one adoptee said, “Of course I played, laughed, sang. Do people think that if you’re not sitting in a corner with your head on your knees, you are not sad? I had happy times, but the sadness was always there, even when I was having fun.”
(pg 117)
Please, if you’re not gonna abort your baby, then make damn sure you parent it.
Read - it’s by someone who made both choices at different times in her life.
If you go to a Planned Parenthood clinic that has a low-income program it can be as cheap as 100$. If you tell them you have no job, no money and no support, they will likely have you pay the minimum for the procedure and get donations to cover the rest.
1-800-230-PLAN (1-800-230-7526) to find the Planned Parenthood clinic nearest you. If you are underage it will mostly likely be free and it is always confidential.
Abortion funding @
Some state medicaid programmes cover abortion. Go to to find out if your state covers it. If they do, you can go to a welfare office, get emergency coverage, and then the state will help pay for it.
It is entirely possible to have an abortion and not feel guilt because you knew it was the right thing to do:
Abortion: There is a Consensus
You may find some of the books and links listed over at useful.
Good luck. 7rin
May 9th, 2010 at 12:05 am
How does your girlfriend feel about this? Does she want to surrender?
This question is about you and what you want and to be quite honest the better option is for you two to raise your baby.
I do know what it is like to surrender but I was coerced and it has been a life of pain, sadness, guilt, anger for 23 years to name a few emotions. My son also has issues with adoption so it has affected two people not just one. Pip
May 11th, 2010 at 3:51 pm
It is in the best interest of your child to have at least an open or semi open relationship. At the very least select a couple that is willing to have a semi open relationship even if you don’t think you want it now. Having an open relationship can help prevent the sense of abandonment as your child ages, they won’t need to search when they get older, they will have access to new medical history and you won’t be wondering how your child is doing.
Interview adoption agencies in your vicinity. Find one that you are comfortable with. Have them explain your options if you want to parent. If you are definitely set on adoption, pick the type of couple you want to parent your child. Do you want college graduates? Someone with other children? Birthparents select couples based on all types of situations. Sometimes they might select a couple because they like the family pet, like the look of the house, the couple may have a cottage that reminds the birthparent of her life growing up. I know one couple that was selected because the birthmother was getting a college degree in a particular subject and the adoptive mother had a degree in that subject. If you decide on open or semi-open adoption, only look at couples that want the same option. Do you want pictures, e-mails, exchange of gifts, phone calls, and/or visitation? Meet a couple. If you are unsure if they are the right couple, ask to meet another couple. Establish a relationship with them before the baby is born so that they will feel comfortable with you and vice versa. Some birthparents have a visit once a year with the child; some meet twice a year (determine this ahead of time), some adoptive parents have invited both sides of the birthparent’s families to the baptism. One adoptive parent is having the birthparents to their home in summer. Do not listen to everyone else. Do what you feel is right for you and your baby. Cheryl
May 13th, 2010 at 6:32 am
I think you people are dicks. This guy is trying to make probably the toughest decision of his life and you are bitching at him over semantics. So he used “I” instead of “we”. I think he’s got more important stuff on his mind right now, like the life of his kid and his and his GF’s lives. i can’t imagine what he’s going through right now.
He could just be a douche and get the baby aborted, or ditch his GF. Lay the hell off unless you have something constructive to say.
Though personally, I’ll say that if my brother, who was a drunk and a junkie, can clean his act up and take care of his kids, anyone can do it. though he had the support of me and our whole family. geninx3m2
May 20th, 2010 at 12:15 pm
I am working with an agency to become an adoptive parent of a newborn and I want you to know that no matter what you chose we as adoptive parents will always abide by what is on the documentation of the court. Some parents chose only to receive a picture and update on the child yearly. It is totatlly up to you and what you want in order to find peace in your heart that you have made the right decision for your child.
I wish you luck in this difficult time and blessings always.