I am the birthmother of a baby I gave up for adoption 22 years ago. Where do the parents come in on this?
Noodles asked:
I have just been contacted by a cousin of the baby I gave up for adoption 22 yrs. ago. My thoughts are this: How do I ask politely if his parents support his decision searching out his birth parents? I realize he is an adult but I want to consider their feelings in this matter also. Any thoughts?
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I have just been contacted by a cousin of the baby I gave up for adoption 22 yrs. ago. My thoughts are this: How do I ask politely if his parents support his decision searching out his birth parents? I realize he is an adult but I want to consider their feelings in this matter also. Any thoughts?
October 28th, 2009 at 5:36 am
It’s my opinion that he is now an adult and you have every right to contact your son. Not only do you have every right, but it is your son’s right to know you too. Saggyrl
October 28th, 2009 at 4:09 pm
If you are willing and he is willing then go for it. It’s good that you want to respect his parents choice, but as an adult he’s able now to make his own decisions. If/when you talk to him ask him about how they feel. jmac
October 31st, 2009 at 10:24 am
Just ask and say you do not want to upset them. I think that shows your a nice person to be honest as many birth parents fail to recognise how difficult this time can be for adoptive parents but your clearly an emotionally articulate person and I expect your son will respect you for that. Nicky
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:16 pm
It’s perfectly fine for you to worry more about your son’s feelings than those of his adoptive family. Like you said, he’s an adult. He can work that out with them himself. But how do you imagine he would feel if for any reason you denied contact with him? kims
November 4th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Your relationship between you and your son has nothing to do with his parents. Whatsoever. He is an adult, and can choose to have a relationship with you, with or without their blessing.
No other adult, at 22 years of age, would have to get their parents blessing to have any sort of relationship with another adult…Why make your son feel that he has to please everyone?
Considering another person’s feelings are lovely, but in this case, their feelings are immaterial. If they are supportive, wonderful. If they’re not…well….too bad. They don’t even have to know.
You are both grown adults. Your relationship is between the two of you. AnnaBelle
November 6th, 2009 at 3:45 am
You are showing a great amount of respect and maturity. This will reflect on your relationship with your child. Good for You. Happie L
November 7th, 2009 at 9:19 am
Wow! I congratulate you and commend you for your respect and regard for the adoptive parents.
Not too many would feel the way you do.
I suggest you ignore the “cousin” this time. Really, what business is it of hers one way or another.
If and when, the child (adult now) or the parents contact you directly, then, with your wisdom (and I do not say that lightly) I am sure you will make the right decision, one way or another. Maureen S
November 7th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
This is about your son period. He needs to call the shots. He had no choice in the adoption, and he now needs to control how the reunion happens. If that happens with or without his adoptive parents approval, it still needs to happen. On his terms. Not yours. Not the adoptive parents. HIS.
Don’t worry about the adoptive parents. They are adults too. If anything, they should understand what you lost out on in the life of this young man and should be happy that there are more people to love him. life is like the ocean
November 8th, 2009 at 9:55 am
Your ‘baby’ is now a 22 yr old adult person who was adopted as a baby. At 22 yrs of age your son does not need permission to search and seek reunion with his natural mother. I would hope that this contact is one you have been waiting for.
Some adoptive parents are supportive of their adult adopt children searching, some are not. Still the decision to search is one only the adult adopted person or the natural mother can make. It’s nice if either afamilies or nfamilies are supportive, but if not that’s their problem..not the adults that wish to search and reunify. I sincerely hope you will welcome this contact and speak to your now adult son. I am sure he has many questions that only You can answer.
Please see the many questions and answers here about adoptees, search, reunion, etc. Even questions and answers about natural mothers who have searched and now in reunion. It is very beneficial to garner as much knowledge as you can, because reunion is like nothing you have experienced so far in your life. I hope you are happy..cuz I am happy for you and your son!! Wishing you and your son much peace and harmony in reunion. gypsywinter
November 11th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
Reunion has two parties, the adoptee and the natural parent. Their emotions surrounding his desire to reunite are quite frankly their sh*t to deal with, not yours. Focus your energy on making your reunion as stress free and comfortable as possible for you and your child and let them deal with their own emotions. Abandoned Abandoner
November 12th, 2009 at 4:25 am
Good god…. he’s an adult. !!
Why are people who adopted always treated as children.
He’s a big boy now, and i;m sure he’s capable of making his own decisions.. who knows, he might even own his own brain cell. celtic.piskie
November 12th, 2009 at 5:26 pm
I am an adoptive parent. And here’s the deal. YOUR SON IS 22 YEARS OLD. I hope for everyone’s sake that his adoptive parents understand and are supportive, but if they aren’t should that really keep adults who want to form a relationship apart? Many adoptive parents from that time don’t understand that it is natural for their child to want to know their biological parents. They were told that they could totally replace them, and that if they did a good job, they could fulfill all their child’s needs. But they can’t BE biological parent, because they AREN’T. So, they may feel like they did something wrong for their child to want to have a relationship with his biological mother, they may feel insecure. They may not be able to get over it. That is a shame, and you can do all you can to help them feel needed by their child (because they are), but DO NOT let them prevent a relationship with your son. Follow his lead on what he needs as far as how involved he wants his adoptive parents to be involved. Erin L
November 15th, 2009 at 7:40 pm
For 20 years I have worked with search/support groups of adopted people and natural parents who were looking for family members.
Sometimes a searcher will “send a ’scout’ to contact the family member. I wonder if the cousin is the scout. You don’t say if your son gave the cousin permission to find you..but that seems likely.
But, I agree with the majority here. The reunion is between you and your son.
Even if the adoptive parents are unhappy about the reunion…it still isn’t about them. You can be clear that you respect their relationships but you also have a relationship to your son that is separate, and you expect that to be respected also. kitta
November 16th, 2009 at 10:47 am
I’m wondering if this 22 year old ‘child’ has to ask Mommy’s permission for any other adult relationships he has in his life. like who can I be friends with Mommy; who can I choose as a girlfriend Mommy; can I choose this career path Mommy; what can I have for lunch Mommy
Ah, the life of being an adoptee. We’re ‘Forever CHILDREN’ sigh H******
November 17th, 2009 at 8:17 am
He is an adult who cares what they think. If you do this he will think you don’t care about his feeling at all. dontknow86
November 20th, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Please allow your son to make his first legally possible decision about his adoption. The way his parents feel about reunion is beside the point, if your son has sought you out, then reunion is obviously something that is important to him, as it is to so many of we adoptees. An adoptee, even when their adoption experience is a happy one as mine was, usually has a pretty hard time dealing with all the consequences of decisions made for them by others, finally this is a choice he gets to make for himself. minimouse68
November 21st, 2009 at 4:48 pm
I felt the same but at the end of the day it’s his choice as he is an adult. I found my son without actively searching and he told me he didn’t want his aparents to know as it would open a can of worms. For almost 4 years they were kept in the dark as I respected his wishes. Due to issues we were having my husband son contacted thme. It was the right thing to do and they are really nice people who were more upset with son for not being honest with them, The can of worms turned out to be was that he had been lying to us right from the start of reunion.
The point is that I do believe you should think carefully about this then do what you feel is right and good luck. Pip
November 23rd, 2009 at 12:25 am
He’s an adult. This is between the two of you. My advice would be ask his adoptive cousin for your son’s contact information, or ask his cousin to pass on your contact information.
He does not need his adoptive parent’s permission or support. Theresa