Comments on: I am the birthmother of a baby I gave up for adoption 22 years ago. Where do the parents come in on this?

By: Theresa

Theresa — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 05:25:07 +0000

He’s an adult. This is between the two of you. My advice would be ask his adoptive cousin for your son’s contact information, or ask his cousin to pass on your contact information.

He does not need his adoptive parent’s permission or support. Theresa

By: Pip

Pip — Sat, 21 Nov 2009 21:48:05 +0000

I felt the same but at the end of the day it’s his choice as he is an adult. I found my son without actively searching and he told me he didn’t want his aparents to know as it would open a can of worms. For almost 4 years they were kept in the dark as I respected his wishes. Due to issues we were having my husband son contacted thme. It was the right thing to do and they are really nice people who were more upset with son for not being honest with them, The can of worms turned out to be was that he had been lying to us right from the start of reunion.

The point is that I do believe you should think carefully about this then do what you feel is right and good luck. Pip

By: minimouse68

minimouse68 — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 19:38:22 +0000

Please allow your son to make his first legally possible decision about his adoption. The way his parents feel about reunion is beside the point, if your son has sought you out, then reunion is obviously something that is important to him, as it is to so many of we adoptees. An adoptee, even when their adoption experience is a happy one as mine was, usually has a pretty hard time dealing with all the consequences of decisions made for them by others, finally this is a choice he gets to make for himself. minimouse68

By: dontknow86

dontknow86 — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 13:17:37 +0000

He is an adult who cares what they think. If you do this he will think you don’t care about his feeling at all. dontknow86

By: H******

H****** — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 15:47:21 +0000

I’m wondering if this 22 year old ‘child’ has to ask Mommy’s permission for any other adult relationships he has in his life. like who can I be friends with Mommy; who can I choose as a girlfriend Mommy; can I choose this career path Mommy; what can I have for lunch Mommy

Ah, the life of being an adoptee. We’re ‘Forever CHILDREN’ sigh H******

By: kitta

kitta — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 00:40:43 +0000

For 20 years I have worked with search/support groups of adopted people and natural parents who were looking for family members.

Sometimes a searcher will “send a ’scout’ to contact the family member. I wonder if the cousin is the scout. You don’t say if your son gave the cousin permission to find you..but that seems likely.

But, I agree with the majority here. The reunion is between you and your son.

Even if the adoptive parents are unhappy about the reunion…it still isn’t about them. You can be clear that you respect their relationships but you also have a relationship to your son that is separate, and you expect that to be respected also. kitta

By: Erin L

Erin L — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 22:26:05 +0000

I am an adoptive parent. And here’s the deal. YOUR SON IS 22 YEARS OLD. I hope for everyone’s sake that his adoptive parents understand and are supportive, but if they aren’t should that really keep adults who want to form a relationship apart? Many adoptive parents from that time don’t understand that it is natural for their child to want to know their biological parents. They were told that they could totally replace them, and that if they did a good job, they could fulfill all their child’s needs. But they can’t BE biological parent, because they AREN’T. So, they may feel like they did something wrong for their child to want to have a relationship with his biological mother, they may feel insecure. They may not be able to get over it. That is a shame, and you can do all you can to help them feel needed by their child (because they are), but DO NOT let them prevent a relationship with your son. Follow his lead on what he needs as far as how involved he wants his adoptive parents to be involved. Erin L

By: celtic.piskie

celtic.piskie — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 09:25:55 +0000

Good god…. he’s an adult. !!

Why are people who adopted always treated as children.

He’s a big boy now, and i;m sure he’s capable of making his own decisions.. who knows, he might even own his own brain cell. celtic.piskie

By: Abandoned Abandoner

Abandoned Abandoner — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 21:48:54 +0000

Reunion has two parties, the adoptee and the natural parent. Their emotions surrounding his desire to reunite are quite frankly their sh*t to deal with, not yours. Focus your energy on making your reunion as stress free and comfortable as possible for you and your child and let them deal with their own emotions. Abandoned Abandoner

By: gypsywinter

gypsywinter — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 14:55:43 +0000

Your ‘baby’ is now a 22 yr old adult person who was adopted as a baby. At 22 yrs of age your son does not need permission to search and seek reunion with his natural mother. I would hope that this contact is one you have been waiting for.

Some adoptive parents are supportive of their adult adopt children searching, some are not. Still the decision to search is one only the adult adopted person or the natural mother can make. It’s nice if either afamilies or nfamilies are supportive, but if not that’s their problem..not the adults that wish to search and reunify. I sincerely hope you will welcome this contact and speak to your now adult son. I am sure he has many questions that only You can answer.

Please see the many questions and answers here about adoptees, search, reunion, etc. Even questions and answers about natural mothers who have searched and now in reunion. It is very beneficial to garner as much knowledge as you can, because reunion is like nothing you have experienced so far in your life. I hope you are happy..cuz I am happy for you and your son!! Wishing you and your son much peace and harmony in reunion. gypsywinter