I am thinking about putting my baby up for adoption but the babies father is against it?
Jessica asked:
I am almost due and am starting to think about adoption. The babies father is very against it and said he wont let it happen. Is there anyway I can do it with out his permission? He is a drug addict who has been using my whole pregnancy and I do not want him to end up with the baby. I am not sure what to do…Any ideas?
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I am almost due and am starting to think about adoption. The babies father is very against it and said he wont let it happen. Is there anyway I can do it with out his permission? He is a drug addict who has been using my whole pregnancy and I do not want him to end up with the baby. I am not sure what to do…Any ideas?
April 27th, 2010 at 3:58 am
start calling around for advice.call an attorney or social services and explain the situation and see if they can deny him parental rights due to him being unfit Jen
April 28th, 2010 at 6:14 am
You would have to prove in a court of law that he is incompetent at making that decision. It’s easier to win the lottery than do that. But if you feel your child is better off with another family, it is probably worth a try.
Or you could wait just a few months until he is caught buying and goes to jail, and has no legal rights outside of the pen. fawdown
May 1st, 2010 at 4:11 am
a lot of hospitals have a baby safe haven law where you can leave the baby there no questions asked. if you can get to one that is farther away and don’t let him know, you might be able to leave it there. you can also contact DHS and tell them the situation and they might be able to help you more. unless he is declared unfit in a court of law then he will have rights to that baby. but if he cant find it then he can t hurt it. Ashley7891
May 3rd, 2010 at 6:45 pm
Talk to a lawyer. You cannot put the baby up for adoption without his permission. I’m not really sure what your options are but I do know that he will have to sign papers to put the baby up for adoption. A lawyer can advise you what to do if he is unable to care for the baby. kat
May 4th, 2010 at 7:33 pm
Well, as the father, he does have parental rights that would prohibit you from putting the baby up for adoption if he’s against it. But if that is your wish, and you think you can prove in court that he would be an unfit guardian, then try that. A baby being adopted is preferable to being raised by a drug addict. Leah~Ari’s Mommy 10/23/09~
May 7th, 2010 at 3:12 am
if he’s deemed an unfit parent, the court will allow you to put the baby up for adoption. my son’s birthfather was an alcoholic and in jail, so his rights were denied. you should talk to your local family services. wendy_da_goodlil_witch
May 10th, 2010 at 7:00 am
Odd how humans think……..you and the adoption industry participants are in favor of abandoning your child but the druggy daddy is the only one with a conscience & wants to at least try to raise his child.
Maybe everyone should start using drugs if thats what it will take to end abandoning kids to strangers.
“Is there anyway I can do it with out his permission?”
Not ethically. Walter Ford II
May 10th, 2010 at 10:25 pm
It’s a shame you waited this long to address these concerns but here we are.
He has full parental rights and must consent to the adoption. If he truly is a horrible person with a drug problem, then you will need to go through all legal channels to have this removed in court due to his being a danger to his child etc…
Until then, perhaps you will have time to reconsider going through with the adoption. There other ways to do this without putting your child in danger from him. I don’t know your personal situation but in the end, he has rights.
ETA: Oh..thanks Kris for reminding me–You do NOT OWE your child to anyone, regardless of whether they can conceive or not. That’s their problem…not yours. Please ignore anyone trying to contact you through YA. It’s NOT in YOUR best interest. Ferbs
May 14th, 2010 at 6:12 am
The father does have the right to ATTEMPT to take on full responcibilities for the child, but due to his irresponcible drug use, you can fight it in court and do whats best for the baby. He can be against the idea all he wants, but you can prove that he is not ready to take care of a child. Good Luck! katie
May 16th, 2010 at 1:52 pm
DO NOT ABANDON YOUR CHILD TO ADOPTION!
Seriously.
Also, don’t listen to anyone suggesting that open adoption is the way to go - it is almost never legally enforceable! Many parents have lost access to their children due to “open” adoption promises. Please read and and before listening to the hype.
I was abandoned to adoption at 7mths old. I didn’t have a bad adoption - my afamily are the best I could ever have chosen… but if I’d been able to choose, and I’d known then what I know now, I’d've chosen to be aborted before birth instead, ’cause at least that way the lifetime of agony I’ve gone through would’ve been over in minutes, instead of the decades that I’ve been suffering for now.
I’ve been in reunion with my bfam for a few months now, and even that’s proving to be completely agonising.
Taken from Nancy Verrier’s book, Coming Home to Self:
For the adoptee every day is a challenge of trying to figure out how to be, although he probably doesn’t understand the difficulty this presents for him. It has been true his whole life and, therefore, feels normal. However, it takes a great deal of energy and concentration. And it never feels quite right. He never quite fits. Therefore he feels as if /he/ is never quite right.
(pg 50)
Abandonment and neglect are reported to be the two most devastating experiences that children endure - even more devastating then sexual or physical abuse. That’s why some neglected children do naughty things to get attention. Even though the attention is hurtful - being yelled at, hit, or otherwise harmed - it is better than neglect. /Anything/ is better than abandonment. Abandonment is a child’s greatest fear. For adoptees, it is also reality, embedded in their implicit and unintegrated memory.
(pg 102)
It is sometimes difficult to spot grief in children. After all, it isn’t as if the child sits in a puddle of tears his entire childhood. As one adoptee said, “Of course I played, laughed, sang. Do people think that if you’re not sitting in a corner with your head on your knees, you are not sad? I had happy times, but the sadness was always there, even when I was having fun.”
(pg 117)
You chose not to abort your baby, so make damn sure you parent it.
You may find some of the books and links listed over at useful.
Good luck. 7rin
May 17th, 2010 at 1:09 pm
you can go to court and they can order them to give up his rights if he cant take care of a child. …..
May 19th, 2010 at 2:43 pm
I’m curious about what aspects of adoption you have given thought to in respect to what this will do to you and to you child?
I have known several men who raised their children and done a fine job.
I have seen the burliest men turn to mush when one of their children wants attention or has a boo boo.
I have seen men change, adapt, adjust, to become the father their children need, and I’ve seen it out of men no one thought it was possible from.
Google adoptee blogs and find out what it feels like to be an adoptee, then google first mother blogs and find out what it feels like to have a child out there somewhere and you don’t know if they are being well cared for, abused, or a host of other things that are going to run through your head.
also google opened adoptions and how legal they are, abandonment issues, attachment disorders, trust problems, SEALED RECORDS. AND YOU HAD BETTER DO IT SOON.
Give the child to the father if he wants to raise him/her. If he really is a threat to the child, report him. Besides if he was so bad, why were you sleeping with him? If he was so bad why are you still pregnant by him? You had other options.
Agencies lie, opened adoptions are not enforceable, and children most often fair better with having blood connections. there are always exceptions. You have a lot of home work to do before you deliver. smarmy
May 22nd, 2010 at 12:17 pm
Unfortunately, you will need to prove he is an unfit parent before you can keep the child away from him. I say unfortunately, because no matter what you decide, adoption or to keep your baby, he still has rights to him/her. I would suggest taking care of that first. You might decide to keep your child if you can insure that he will not be able interfere. I personally would not want my child around an unpredictable drug addict. Once you ensure your child’s safety, then you can start making the more difficult decisions. Best of luck!! Johnsmuffinpie
May 25th, 2010 at 2:27 pm
baaaaaaaahhhhhh give away the baby, and get a fish that way if it dies its not so much risponsabilaty and u can dispos of it easier (toilet) DUmmy
May 28th, 2010 at 10:34 pm
Its his baby and he deserves a chance. unless ur sure he wouldnt make a good father, regardless of his drug habit, whether its an addiction or not (what is he addicted to?) you don’t really have the right to do this to him. its wrong. would u like if he could make this choice and u didnt want to?
one more thing, think long and hard about adoption. it can leave very negative consequences for you. think about why u are doing it and if you can bear to hold ur baby in ur arms and then perhaps never see him again and know if its ok. its cruel to give him up if his father doesnt want you to.
Kris - u are the one who sees the child as a possession as something to be ‘given’ to less fortunate couples who cant have a baby. wow you are very ignorant. its not god’s work you silly cow its humans getting pregnant irresponsibly and then making the child suffer through years of abandonment and rejection issues and at the very least not knowing who their parents are. get informed woman.
KRIS - oh i just saw that you are one of those women who think they deserve another womans baby. hope u never adopt if your view of adoption is as simplistic and selfish as this cos the child will be messed up. you really think u are superior to these people don’t you. u want some poor baby to go through the pain of being abandoned, u are actually WAITING for this to happen, so you can get a baby. if you were really ‘doing god’s work’ you would foster some poor toddler or older kid who need love and stability as much as a baby. sick. Susan
May 29th, 2010 at 1:36 pm
The father of the child does have rights and one of those is the right to raise his child. If he is not a danger to the child and can provide a safe, stable and loving home, he should do so. Legally and ethically, you cannot get around this.
However, if you feel that he is dangerous to the child and have enough evidence to back this up in court, I’d recommend contacting a lawyer.
If you are just starting to research adoption, make sure you do so very thoroughly and completely understand your rights under the law. Jennifer L
May 30th, 2010 at 5:50 pm
You can’t usurp the father’s legal rights.
People who adopt also abuse drugs and alcohol. They lose jobs, go bankrupt, and get divorced. Having an approved home study only proves adopters are fiscally sound at the time of the adoption - it doesn’t prove they don’t have anger/temper control issues, undiagnosed mental illness or perversions.
ETA: Kris, if I had a nickel for every time some desperate infertile had to rundown a list of reasons why they think expectant mothers should give away their newborns, I’d be rich. No one is owed someone else’s child. Wellspring
June 2nd, 2010 at 12:38 pm
So, you banged a drug addict and you think you are a saint? believable. nelawala
June 3rd, 2010 at 3:02 am
I am in the same boat sweetie but it’s hard to get rid of someone you feel so close to! I think it would be better for my baby if she were adopted but I may be put on a 6 week trial, not sure yet! Tell someone close to you how you feel]]
xx 5wks pregnant!!!
June 3rd, 2010 at 3:30 pm
He is not a presumptive father since you are not legally married. And you haven’t give birth yet so he did not sign the hospital papers and he is not on birth certificate. So by all legality you are the mother and that is it. The biological father does not matter now. You can do whatever you want .. give ur baby away or not…you are the one with the rights. he is not
P.S. You can give your baby up in court or out of court. In court the judge asks you 16 questions and if you answered to all of them yes then you are no longer the parent. Out of court you still have 45 days to change your mind and take back the child.
There is also conditional surrender where you can choose the person who will adopt your child. Miguela
June 6th, 2010 at 4:58 pm
Hi.
I’ve been in your situation. I relinquished my child 20 years ago. I was 15, my boyfriend was a drug addict and my family life was pretty bad. At the time I thought I was doing the right thing and my daughter, who I am so fortunate to actually have a wonderful relationship with, I’m pretty sure feels the same way. All that being said, knowing what I know now… I would have NEVER relinquished her.
People change. My boyfriend, her father, changed. He got off drugs and we were back together a year later. We are still friends and I still love him although our relationship ended some 18 years ago. At the time of my pregnancy I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I sincerely thought that I was doing the best thing for my child and my child alone. I didn’t want to raise my daughter on welfare and the thought of my parents trying to take over and control the situation (they didn’t exactly do the best job with me) I couldn’t bear the thought of and all I could envision was my daughters father never coming through with anything. I dreamed (while pregnant) that my daughter was 4 or so and we still living in a room of my fathers house. I decided that open adoption (then a new concept) was the best for all of us. The father was against it. I feel like shit for actually admitting this, but in order to get him to sign the papers, I threatened him with jail. I was 15, he was 18… 19 when she was born. I could have had him charged with sex with a minor. I was 7 months pregnant and almost desperate in my search for the right parents. I compromised to them and their wishes for no contact- letters and pictures only- and I didn’t even know their last name. My only thought was that I was doing was best for my child and I put what I wanted on hold. Adoption is the ultimate act of sacrifice for someone else and is most defiantly honorable BUT… at the cost of yourself. Is your situation really that bad? I can almost assure you, that it won’t be bad forever and it’s a decision that can’t be undone without causing so much more pain for everyone.
The adoption was set up through Children’s Home Society (they no longer facilitate adoptions, Thank God!) and it was an open adoption. The adoptive parents kept it open for 3 years after which, for no reason at all, I was completely shut out. I found my daughter on MySpace when she was 16 years old. After a lot of soul searching I contacted her when she was 17.
It is amazing to me that my daughter and I not only look so much alike but are so similar in every other area too. After all the things I have read (all the heartbreaking stories of adoptive parents, birth parents and adoptees) it is continually amazing to me and I feel so blessed to have her in my life… but it has had it’s challenges and it’s pain and most of all regrets.
For all the happiness and jubilation I feel at having found her and having her in my life, the process over the last 20 years… the grief that never goes away… all the what-ifs and looking back wasn’t worth it. I was told by a teacher (I was sent to a pregnant minor program type school) that of all the girls she had in all the classes she had taught in the schools, that I was the only one who gave their child up and I was also one of the only ones she felt would have handled the challenges of being a teen mother.
Don’t do it is the impression I am trying to impart on you. I could go on and on about my experience. And I’m not saying that there are not great adoptive parents out there… My daughter had wonderful parents regardless of what they did to me. I can only say that I wish I could have looked further into the future and seen it in a more positive light. After 20 years I no longer believe in adoption -of course with the exception of serious abuse or neglect. I just wish I had had someone that had been an advocate for me. Someone that had gone through it and could have given me a more realistic picture of years ahead. I would have chosen differently.
Best of luck to you. StephaniesMom
June 7th, 2010 at 10:06 pm
Very doubtful if he is against it. Even parents in prison have legal rights to their kids Until or unless a Court terminates those rights. It may be that he is a respectable relative that would want to adopt the child and that happens frequently. cricketlady