Comments on: I am thinking about putting my baby up for adoption but the babies father is against it?

By: cricketlady

cricketlady — Tue, 08 Jun 2010 03:06:18 +0000

Very doubtful if he is against it. Even parents in prison have legal rights to their kids Until or unless a Court terminates those rights. It may be that he is a respectable relative that would want to adopt the child and that happens frequently. cricketlady

By: StephaniesMom

StephaniesMom — Sun, 06 Jun 2010 21:58:24 +0000

Hi.
I’ve been in your situation. I relinquished my child 20 years ago. I was 15, my boyfriend was a drug addict and my family life was pretty bad. At the time I thought I was doing the right thing and my daughter, who I am so fortunate to actually have a wonderful relationship with, I’m pretty sure feels the same way. All that being said, knowing what I know now… I would have NEVER relinquished her.
People change. My boyfriend, her father, changed. He got off drugs and we were back together a year later. We are still friends and I still love him although our relationship ended some 18 years ago. At the time of my pregnancy I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. I sincerely thought that I was doing the best thing for my child and my child alone. I didn’t want to raise my daughter on welfare and the thought of my parents trying to take over and control the situation (they didn’t exactly do the best job with me) I couldn’t bear the thought of and all I could envision was my daughters father never coming through with anything. I dreamed (while pregnant) that my daughter was 4 or so and we still living in a room of my fathers house. I decided that open adoption (then a new concept) was the best for all of us. The father was against it. I feel like shit for actually admitting this, but in order to get him to sign the papers, I threatened him with jail. I was 15, he was 18… 19 when she was born. I could have had him charged with sex with a minor. I was 7 months pregnant and almost desperate in my search for the right parents. I compromised to them and their wishes for no contact- letters and pictures only- and I didn’t even know their last name. My only thought was that I was doing was best for my child and I put what I wanted on hold. Adoption is the ultimate act of sacrifice for someone else and is most defiantly honorable BUT… at the cost of yourself. Is your situation really that bad? I can almost assure you, that it won’t be bad forever and it’s a decision that can’t be undone without causing so much more pain for everyone.
The adoption was set up through Children’s Home Society (they no longer facilitate adoptions, Thank God!) and it was an open adoption. The adoptive parents kept it open for 3 years after which, for no reason at all, I was completely shut out. I found my daughter on MySpace when she was 16 years old. After a lot of soul searching I contacted her when she was 17.
It is amazing to me that my daughter and I not only look so much alike but are so similar in every other area too. After all the things I have read (all the heartbreaking stories of adoptive parents, birth parents and adoptees) it is continually amazing to me and I feel so blessed to have her in my life… but it has had it’s challenges and it’s pain and most of all regrets.
For all the happiness and jubilation I feel at having found her and having her in my life, the process over the last 20 years… the grief that never goes away… all the what-ifs and looking back wasn’t worth it. I was told by a teacher (I was sent to a pregnant minor program type school) that of all the girls she had in all the classes she had taught in the schools, that I was the only one who gave their child up and I was also one of the only ones she felt would have handled the challenges of being a teen mother.
Don’t do it is the impression I am trying to impart on you. I could go on and on about my experience. And I’m not saying that there are not great adoptive parents out there… My daughter had wonderful parents regardless of what they did to me. I can only say that I wish I could have looked further into the future and seen it in a more positive light. After 20 years I no longer believe in adoption -of course with the exception of serious abuse or neglect. I just wish I had had someone that had been an advocate for me. Someone that had gone through it and could have given me a more realistic picture of years ahead. I would have chosen differently.
Best of luck to you. StephaniesMom

By: Miguela

Miguela — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 20:30:11 +0000

He is not a presumptive father since you are not legally married. And you haven’t give birth yet so he did not sign the hospital papers and he is not on birth certificate. So by all legality you are the mother and that is it. The biological father does not matter now. You can do whatever you want .. give ur baby away or not…you are the one with the rights. he is not
P.S. You can give your baby up in court or out of court. In court the judge asks you 16 questions and if you answered to all of them yes then you are no longer the parent. Out of court you still have 45 days to change your mind and take back the child.
There is also conditional surrender where you can choose the person who will adopt your child. Miguela

By: 5wks pregnant!!! :D

5wks pregnant!!! :D — Thu, 03 Jun 2010 08:02:12 +0000

I am in the same boat sweetie but it’s hard to get rid of someone you feel so close to! I think it would be better for my baby if she were adopted but I may be put on a 6 week trial, not sure yet! Tell someone close to you how you feel]]

xx 5wks pregnant!!!

By: nelawala

nelawala — Wed, 02 Jun 2010 17:38:17 +0000

So, you banged a drug addict and you think you are a saint? believable. nelawala

By: Wellspring

Wellspring — Sun, 30 May 2010 22:50:13 +0000

You can’t usurp the father’s legal rights.
People who adopt also abuse drugs and alcohol. They lose jobs, go bankrupt, and get divorced. Having an approved home study only proves adopters are fiscally sound at the time of the adoption - it doesn’t prove they don’t have anger/temper control issues, undiagnosed mental illness or perversions.

ETA: Kris, if I had a nickel for every time some desperate infertile had to rundown a list of reasons why they think expectant mothers should give away their newborns, I’d be rich. No one is owed someone else’s child. Wellspring

By: Jennifer L

Jennifer L — Sat, 29 May 2010 18:36:31 +0000

The father of the child does have rights and one of those is the right to raise his child. If he is not a danger to the child and can provide a safe, stable and loving home, he should do so. Legally and ethically, you cannot get around this.

However, if you feel that he is dangerous to the child and have enough evidence to back this up in court, I’d recommend contacting a lawyer.

If you are just starting to research adoption, make sure you do so very thoroughly and completely understand your rights under the law. Jennifer L

By: Susan

Susan — Sat, 29 May 2010 03:34:05 +0000

Its his baby and he deserves a chance. unless ur sure he wouldnt make a good father, regardless of his drug habit, whether its an addiction or not (what is he addicted to?) you don’t really have the right to do this to him. its wrong. would u like if he could make this choice and u didnt want to?
one more thing, think long and hard about adoption. it can leave very negative consequences for you. think about why u are doing it and if you can bear to hold ur baby in ur arms and then perhaps never see him again and know if its ok. its cruel to give him up if his father doesnt want you to.

Kris - u are the one who sees the child as a possession as something to be ‘given’ to less fortunate couples who cant have a baby. wow you are very ignorant. its not god’s work you silly cow its humans getting pregnant irresponsibly and then making the child suffer through years of abandonment and rejection issues and at the very least not knowing who their parents are. get informed woman.

KRIS - oh i just saw that you are one of those women who think they deserve another womans baby. hope u never adopt if your view of adoption is as simplistic and selfish as this cos the child will be messed up. you really think u are superior to these people don’t you. u want some poor baby to go through the pain of being abandoned, u are actually WAITING for this to happen, so you can get a baby. if you were really ‘doing god’s work’ you would foster some poor toddler or older kid who need love and stability as much as a baby. sick. Susan

By: DUmmy

DUmmy — Tue, 25 May 2010 19:27:02 +0000

baaaaaaaahhhhhh give away the baby, and get a fish that way if it dies its not so much risponsabilaty and u can dispos of it easier (toilet) DUmmy

By: Johnsmuffinpie

Johnsmuffinpie — Sat, 22 May 2010 17:17:10 +0000

Unfortunately, you will need to prove he is an unfit parent before you can keep the child away from him. I say unfortunately, because no matter what you decide, adoption or to keep your baby, he still has rights to him/her. I would suggest taking care of that first. You might decide to keep your child if you can insure that he will not be able interfere. I personally would not want my child around an unpredictable drug addict. Once you ensure your child’s safety, then you can start making the more difficult decisions. Best of luck!! Johnsmuffinpie