If you gave a baby up for adoption would you want her to get in touch again, 21 years later?
jo 
asked:
I am helping a friend find her mother, but I am worried that it will back fire. Just wondered how some of you out there feel.
This mum gave up the baby because she was 15 and her mum was expecting around the same time. No room for 2 babies.
And my friend’s adoptive family split, with her ending up back in care, so she really needs a family.
This entry was posted
on Friday, February 13th, 2009 at 12:00 am and is filed under Adoption.
You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.
You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
asked: I am helping a friend find her mother, but I am worried that it will back fire. Just wondered how some of you out there feel.
This mum gave up the baby because she was 15 and her mum was expecting around the same time. No room for 2 babies.
And my friend’s adoptive family split, with her ending up back in care, so she really needs a family.
February 16th, 2009 at 1:26 am
i would be over joyed perosnaly, if i had given the baby up becasue iwas too young then i would
depends on the situation i wish her all the best! xx
February 18th, 2009 at 5:29 am
my dads adopted and his mother got in touch with him and from what i gather.. its a sensitive subject.. he wasn’t too intersted in doing even that. they updated each other and i think they call like once a year but at the end of the day theyre two people who don’t know each other and theres gotta be a really bad feeling of rejection on the kids side and if the mother didnt want the kid in the first place then i dont see why shed want them now.
February 19th, 2009 at 8:30 am
I definitely would. It would pain me to be separated for all that time from my child.
And so did my family who relinquished me for adoption. I have been happily reunited for 7years with my first family, who was also searching for me.
I also talk to many first parents who feel the same way. You will likely hear from some of them in the answers you receive.
Please know that most mothers do not relinquish because they simply “don’t want” the child. Most feel they cannot adequately care for their child. Some were pushed by their parents to do so (as my grandmother was.)
ETA:
I’m really sorry to hear about your friend’s situation with the afamily. That’s sad. I just wanted to mention that many people who’ve relinquished a child do tell the people they eventually marry. It’s not so common anymore to keep that secret. At one time, women were advised to never tell. That’s no longer the case. Even though sometimes a person may not have told his or her spouse, this still doesn’t mean the person wouldn’t like to reunite. I can think of several people who were in this very position. One was a man who didn’t even know until 30 years later that he had a son. His ex-girlfriend never told him she was pregnant after they broke up. Years later, for whatever reason, she contacted him and let him know of the child, and that she had put the boy up for adoption. When he found out, he told his wife of 25-ish years about it. They searched and now have a good relationship with him.
February 20th, 2009 at 5:57 am
I can give you it from an adoptive child’s point of view as I was adopted at 6 days. I don’t want to know anything about my ‘birth parents’ not because I hate them or anything but because I’m not interested. As far as I’m concerned I have the best mum and dad in the world and I would never hurt them. I have a big extended family and loads of friends I don’t want to make room for the person that gave me up years ago as far as I’m concerned the past is gone…not in a hateful way or anything but I’m just not interested..
February 20th, 2009 at 10:25 pm
I think the mother would be happy beyond belief because she had to give up her child.
But it can become a problem if the mother never wanted the child to begin with.
I know someone in school who is adopted.
Her mom had her when she was 18 but gave her up for adoption.
The girl found out last year that she has an older brother that her mother kept.
She says her mom is a real slut to keep her brother when she had him at 16 but not keeping her. I don’t think her mom wants her to find her.
But she can’t wait until she turns 18 so she can finally meet her older brother.
But either way good luck helping your friend.
February 23rd, 2009 at 9:52 am
I’m not a parent, but hopefully it’s alright if I can sort of speak on “behalf” of my mother.
It’s been just over two decades since she relinquished me. Through a translator and my sister’s instant messaging conversations, I was able to figure out that yes, she was SO emotional about the fact that I had initiallly contacted her even though we didn’t speak/write the same language at all.
It took her about a month and a half to recover from first receiving my letter, and she still wants me to come back.
So I’d say that yes, if a mother gives up her baby for adoption I would think in most cases she would want to see that child again. The only tip I’d give people though is this: be cautious and don’t expect anything.
February 24th, 2009 at 3:17 am
Yes. Desperately. But I’m not everyone.
Finding a long-lost mother can, indeed, backfire. I would suggest that, if she finds her mother, she not give her her real name, they meet in a neutral place, and maybe that she do a background check on her. Okay, that’s a bit extreme. At the least, she should be emotionally prepared for the possibility that her mother may be untrustworthy, or not care about her, or even be a leech, seeking to get her daughter to pay for medical treatment, retirement, etc., using guilt to try to manipulate her.
Then again, I met a man who was adopted and now has a great relationship with his birth mother, as well as his adopted family. It can work out well.
February 24th, 2009 at 7:39 am
You wont know until you find her, if she were too young she could be pleased but she could have a family now, they might not know about her. Most people will say they’d be pleased to see her but then most people wouldn’t give their baby away. These days you get teenagers having babies its hard for them and they’re often skint with little support but they still don’ consider getting the baby adopted.
February 27th, 2009 at 8:52 am
Yeikes some of these answers from people who haven’t lived it crack me up.
I have been in reunion for 9 years now. I have a great relationship with my daughter. She still thinks her parents are the best in the world, our reunion has no bearing on her loyalty to them. It is about her finding who she is, not who is the best mommy.
Reunions can backfire from what I have heard. It is heart wrenching to listen to men and women talk about being rejected twice, once at birth and again as an adult. But if you are seeking reunion it is something you have to be ready for.
My reunion is soooo the opposite of that. We just clicked. We knew we would meet again and we did. It has been the most forgiving thing for me. I was finally able to forgive myself for what I did.
We found her dad too. That was another huge healing for all of us. My daughter finally feels like a whole person, her father and I have become old friends, and he is forgiving himself for what we did.
Even if its not like mine it can still be worth it, and no one has to get hurt by loyalties.
February 28th, 2009 at 3:36 am
Well, I have given birth three times and I can tell you that I am certain I would want to know how my baby was doing, what she was like, how she felt about me. I am positive that, if she wanted to find me, I would want to be there for her.
March 1st, 2009 at 1:54 am
My mom was over the moon when I found her, I was 21.
I count down the days until my son turns 18, so I can try to find him.
You will never know how her first mom feels unless you try.
March 3rd, 2009 at 6:36 am
Most mothers want to contact, or want to be contacted by, their lost child. And i say “lost” because for most of us, our children were lost to adoption — we had little say in the matter and it is usually a desperate mother feeling she has no other viable options but to surrender. It sounds like your friend’s mother may have been forced by her parents to surrender her baby.
Please encourage your friend to search. Many good reunions and relationships result from dismembered families finding each other again. And, yes, families can be restored. If your friend is without a family, it is possible that her natural family will be there for her. And even adopt her back again as I adopted back my son.
But your friend may find that reunion brings up a lot of rejection and anger issues she may need to work through, including anger at whomever forced her mother to surrender her. Also her mother may be dealing with unresolved grief and loss, shame, guilt, plus anger at whomever may have forced her to surrender her baby. But these issues can be dealt with in counseling — they are not insurmountable. She should be prepared though.