My husband and I have been discussing adopting a baby?
Crystaillee asked:
My husband and I have been married for almost four years (in Oct.) and for the last few month we have been discussing adopting a baby or a child - whichever. We already have three kids. A daughter who is three and twin boys who are two. Our biggest concern is that our children won’t “take” to our adopted child - especially if he or she is older then them. And while we teach understanding, and acceptance to our children, we sometimes fear that if the child we adopt had a disability in any way that the children would automatically have questions or comments and make the adopted child feel unwanted or uncomfortable in their own home.
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My husband and I have been married for almost four years (in Oct.) and for the last few month we have been discussing adopting a baby or a child - whichever. We already have three kids. A daughter who is three and twin boys who are two. Our biggest concern is that our children won’t “take” to our adopted child - especially if he or she is older then them. And while we teach understanding, and acceptance to our children, we sometimes fear that if the child we adopt had a disability in any way that the children would automatically have questions or comments and make the adopted child feel unwanted or uncomfortable in their own home.
I was wondering what suggestions you would have to someone who would like to adopt, and who feels myself and my husband are ready, but are not 100% if our children will be as comfortable with it as we are.
Thank you!
January 24th, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Its wise of you to consider the big picture. Have you considered waiting until your bio kids are a little older so they can understand adoption a bit more. You’ll be able to take the temp of the situation a bit more accurately.
January 26th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
There are different theories out there concerning adopting out of birth order. Some believe that it is inherently harmful, others do not. I think that like so many other instances in life, it depends on the individuals involved. But I do think that it is best to carefully consider the children already in the family and how a new arrival will affect THEM before jumping headlong into an adoption. I also think PAPs with children already in the family need to take a careful and honest personal inventory when it comes to resources to help children with special needs.
Being an adoptive parent is different than being a biological parent. There are challenges and needs that specifically relate to adoption that biological children will never have to deal with. Please don’t underestimate the time and attention an adoptive child will need, especially when you already have three very young children.
Best of luck.
January 29th, 2009 at 10:12 pm
talk wiht ur children about it and try to explain it 2 them as best as possible.when u addopt someone ussually the people u get the person 4m give the child a little while to get used to u and vise versa. then see if it works out or not before signing the official papers
February 1st, 2009 at 9:22 pm
I think it’s good that you are asking questions. You have found a very informative source (Y!A Adoption), so stick around a while and read the questions and answers others post. You will probably learn a lot!
In my opinion, your children are too young and you should focus on them. Why do you want to adopt when you are able to have biological children? Not all children in foster care (which is where I recommend you start looking should you choose to adopt) are disabled or were abused/neglected, but some are/were. If your concerns really are that your children won’t accept the adopted child, then don’t adopt. Either wait until your bio kids are older and can understand or don’t do it at all. No one — particularly a person who has lost his or her mother, family, home, etc. — wants to be made to feel like a second-class citizen.
Clearly you have some concerns and I applaud you for bringing them to light rather than just pretending they’re not there. Now listen to your heart AND your head. Now isn’t the time. Focus on the family you already have and if there is a time in the future when you want to adopt, do some research, call DCFS, and take the classes.