Question for birth mothers who chose a closed adoption for their baby?
jl_calkins asked:
Please only answer if you chose a closed adoption for your baby. My biol. mother was 16 or 17 when I was born in 1981. After 28 years, would you want your child to try and find you? Or is it better off left alone. I’m assuming she chose a closed adoption for a reason, but I thought possibly she may have regrets. Thanks for your thoughts.
Thank you to the moms who answered my question and shared your personal stories. I just want to point out again that I’m looking for only “birth moms” to answer my question. Although the answers from the “adoptees” are interesting, it’s not exactly what I’m looking for.
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Please only answer if you chose a closed adoption for your baby. My biol. mother was 16 or 17 when I was born in 1981. After 28 years, would you want your child to try and find you? Or is it better off left alone. I’m assuming she chose a closed adoption for a reason, but I thought possibly she may have regrets. Thanks for your thoughts.
Thank you to the moms who answered my question and shared your personal stories. I just want to point out again that I’m looking for only “birth moms” to answer my question. Although the answers from the “adoptees” are interesting, it’s not exactly what I’m looking for.
May 4th, 2009 at 6:56 am
im sure shes had her regrets but most people do the closed adoption because they dont want the drama of wanting them back in their life when you have a family who you have grown up with your whole life.
May 7th, 2009 at 1:22 pm
I didn’t choose adoption I was coerced but I will answer anyway as my answer is still relevant. Incidently my son was born in 1981
.
I always thought about my son especially around certain dates such as his birthday and Christmas. When he was adopted I was told I would never be allowed to search but he could when he turned 18. Before my son turned 18 I lived for the day he could search but afterwards I was terrified that he would hate me for him being adopted even though it wasn’t my choice but I knew he wouldn’t know the truth. Fear stopped me taking the chance to search more than anything although I didn’t know the law had changed.
Five days after his 23rd birthday I went on a genealogy site (I joined it) put in what I could then saw that another member had matches with me. My son had joined using the names I had given him and I emailed him then panicked afterwards. Fortunately he had been actively searching for me and had found my family. The downside was that they kept up the pretence as to why he had been adopted and they had lied for almost 5 years by telling him they didn’t know where I was. I was very angry and hurt that my family had lied to him and hadn’t told me either that they had contact.
We have worked through all the lies and still have contact - he has even lived with me for over two years.
It’s worth searching as at least if you find your natural mother it will give you closure. Nobody can predict what will happen but you don’t know unless you try. The percentages of mothers wanting to be found are very high.
May 10th, 2009 at 1:45 am
Closed adoption wasn’t a ‘choice’ then. It was imposed.
I found my Mom and it has brought us both alot of peace. I also know mothers who are searching and desperately waiting for their child to contact them. It’s only natural for a mother to know what became of their child and only decent to let her know.
May 10th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
I met my daughter when she was 28 years old. I wanted nothing more than to meet her before I died. Thought about her almost every day, I say almost because there were days when I was busy and the thought of her did manage to slip my mind, but it took a long time to get to that point. We have been in a successful, happy reunion for 9 years now and my life has literally changed because of it. So has hers. We are both at more peace with ourselves now.
No two reunions are the same, you never know what you will run into, but everyone I have talked to has said that even if a relationship didn’t form it was better to meet than not.
Wishing you the best of luck in finding and establishing a relationship with your first family.
May 13th, 2009 at 2:52 pm
My mom was adopted back in the early to mid 1950’s. Although her adoptive parent’s knew her biological parents, it was treated as a closed adoption. Her birth mom basically abandoned my mom and her siblings and then because of her father’s working hours, he was unable to care for the children. He made the decision to place all 3 kids for adoption with relatives. According to what I’ve heard growing up, my mom’s father only contacted them once while she was growing up. She never heard from or saw him again until more than 40 years later after her adoptive dad had passed away.
My mom and I recently attended her birth father’s funeral where I met many relatives (aunts, uncles, cousins) that I never even knew existed. My mom and her father had been in contact over the past 10 years and had formed somewhat of a father/daughter relationship.
My mom is glad that she got to meet the man who gave her life, but she is more grateful that he loved her enough to allow her to be raised by her parents.
My brother and I were raised by our birth mom, but we were adopted by our mom’s husband after she married for the 2nd time. Our dad raised us just as if we were his biological children. Our birthfather attempted to get back intouch with my brother and I over the years, but neither he nor myself really desire to have contact with our birthfather since we feel that he removed himself from our lives for the wrong reason. He gave us up because he didn’t want to pay child support. Not because he wanted us to have a better life.
I believe every situation is different though. All you can do is try. Just prepare yourself though just in case your birth mom might not want to see you at this point. Either way, I wish you the best of luck.
May 14th, 2009 at 7:24 am
My birth mom contacted me when I was 13. Or she called my adoptive mom. Things were good until I hit 16 and my adoptive parents were extremely controlling. My bio mom and adopt. Mom were closer to each other than I was to either of them. My adopt. Parents wouldn’t let me work go out on dates choose what college I wanted or what friends I could have. I wasn’t fitting there perfect little mold they had planned. My bio mom saw this and tried to intervene. My adopt mom freaked took me to court charged my bio mom with deliquinct of a minor. i snuck around and saw my bio mom and little brother. Things were great til I got emancipated at 17. My bio. Mom expected me to move in with her so she could be my mom and forget all about my adoptive family. That didn’t go over well with me. Sure when I was rebelling it all boiled down to my struggles with bein adopted but not because my bio mom was in my life. Now my bio hates me pretty much. She’s mean and cusses me out. Calls me cold hearted cause I didn’t give her another chance. Refuses to let me see my little brother. All because I worked things out with my adopt. Parents. In the long run her contacting me was bad. I would have rather waited til I was way older or spent my whole life wondering instead of being abandoned by her again. Its no wonder I have issues :/