Should I give my baby up for adoption?
Hayden L asked:
I’m reaaly young, between 13-15. I have everything ready, how much everything is going too cost, how to pay for everything, and alot of other things. I think I could be a good mother. I’m just afraid she’ll hate me because of my age or some stupid thing Like tht. What do you I should do? Should I keep her? I rele want to but I’m afraid. Any advice?
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I’m reaaly young, between 13-15. I have everything ready, how much everything is going too cost, how to pay for everything, and alot of other things. I think I could be a good mother. I’m just afraid she’ll hate me because of my age or some stupid thing Like tht. What do you I should do? Should I keep her? I rele want to but I’m afraid. Any advice?
February 16th, 2010 at 11:19 am
Yes. It was a bad idea to have a baby at your age, you know. I really hope your labor goes well, being that you’re so young…good luck. 84r8QFr!705W7F
February 18th, 2010 at 6:44 am
i would have gotten an abortion, but if it’s too late, i would suggest adoption if you feel you are capable of giving up the baby, i think that unless your parents are behind you in realllly helping you out in raising your child, and that the child has a father, i would think adoption would be better for the child. although giving up your baby is probably the hardest thing in the world. Lily
February 18th, 2010 at 3:30 pm
Of course you should keep her. Dont take this the wrong way but you had sex and got pregnant now you should be an adult and take care of your child!! She wont care your age, all she will care is that you love and her and are willing to do whatever it takes to take care of her!! You can get help from the state if you need it, ask your parents for help to, if they are willing dont even think for a second giving your child up!! Think of how you child will think when she finds out you didnt even try. Its your baby!! Ask yourelf do you really want to give her up!! Take responsibility and take care of her!!! I have never met my father, because he wanted nothing to do with my mother and i. I have always wanted to meet him!! Dotn give the baby up!!! Jes
February 22nd, 2010 at 2:32 am
If you are willing to put all the hard work and selfless devotion that it takes to be a mother, even at your age, then its impossible that your baby will hate you. Keep in mind, when she becomes a teenager she is going to hate you regardless of what you do ;).
I’m sure you’ve heard enough how hard being a parent is and don’t need anymore preaching. The best advice that I can give you is to take a good look at yourself and your life and decide if you’re ready and willing to sacrifice your own needs and wants at this point in your life. If you want to keep her then you should keep her. lolxlisa
February 24th, 2010 at 2:35 am
You should better talk with your mom and dad about this, instead of asking to strangers who don’t even know you. Good luck and choose what you really think is best! Heavenly Hell
February 25th, 2010 at 4:45 pm
if you can give that baby the life you think it deserves then her and if not be completely selfless and know you are doing whats best
but really ask yourself and pray about it
go to a website and look at family profiles see what you options are
good luck and good bless
you and your angel are in my prayers melannnie
February 26th, 2010 at 10:40 am
Hi Hayden L,
Every baby naturally wants to be with his/her own mother. You already said you have everything ready. You love & want your baby, so you will do fine. Babies do not care about extra things like expensive designer items. Nobody wants to think their own mother believed they would have been happier with more “things” instead of with HER. Don’t worry - every mother can get a little nervous at first.
Your baby will not hate you for being young. All they will know is that you are their mother. Babies do not even understand they are a separate person from their mothers for months. By the time they figure out your age, you will not even be a teen anymore. Age is temporary. So unless you plan on abusing your child or unless you have addiction problems that would interfere with you caring for your child, a mother & baby should stay together. There are many resources that will help you provide the basics & accomplish your goals. Hopefully you have the support of your family and the baby’s father’s family as well.
Please take a look at the webpages I posted under my sources. Those should be required reading for any mother before considering giving her baby away to adoption. Please research the permanent effects adoption has on the children & also on the mothers too.
You sound like a responsible, caring person. Your baby is lucky to have you & I’m sure you will love your baby. They can be hard work at times. Still, babies are totally worth it. You are already on your way to being a good mom. Take care Hayden,
julie j
reunited adult adoptee
ETA - One last piece of advice - avoid adoption agencies, adoption counselors, adoption lawyers, anyone who makes their living related to the adoption field. They will not give you all the facts you need to make the right decision. I’d also ignore the numerous requests in your inbox from strangers online inquiring about your baby too! It’s not your problem they cannot have babies. That is not something you need to fix for them. Just be concerned with what’s right for you & your baby. julie j
March 1st, 2010 at 11:14 am
Don’t give up YOUR baby. I did, and a lot for the same reasons as you share here. Two things happened. For both of us (I relinquished him at birth), we missed each other terribly, even though he grew up in a really good adoptive family. For you and that baby there is a bond that can’t be broken. The baby knows the adoptive mother isn’t his mother and NOTHING she does changes it, ever. Your baby already knows the sound of your voice and your smell. And while all of this is published in books everywhere, including Universities where scholars study the effects of child surrender, people/society, Doctors/Lawyers etc will tell you that you’re doing the ‘right’ thing by giving up your baby because you are too young and your baby is better off growing up in a home (a.k.a : a socially constructed picture called the ‘family’ who live in suburbia and have a mini-van and a good job). WHY would a Doctor/Lawyer, etc.. do this? Because they’re making money from it! You’re a number. They don’t care about the issues you will face your whole life from it. Nor do they care about a little baby who will cry and scratch his face to shit (bleeding) as a means of getting you to come back to him. He will hate his birthday and he will hate himself because in his mind starting from the day he is born, he will think you never came back to him no matter what fit he threw (the crying and scratching), so he wasn’t worth it. In a nutshell. The babies that don’t cry and scratch, go into a kinda mental prison of shock and fear. They can’t believe their own mother left them.
I can’t pump her enough, a credible author on this issue is Nancy Verrier, she wrote a book called, The Primal Wound. READ it. It’s true and people who have experienced your situation all agree with her findings. Adoptee’s who have read it, cry very out loud, because Verrier nails it for them. Adoptee’s can’t pin their adoptive issues as they grow up, because they adapt. But internally, they suffer their whole lives from being adopted. I wish someone would have told me when I was in your stages of pregnancy. If you do give up your baby, #1 You’ll regret it. #2 You will be a new member of the Biological Mothers club who suffer from: Anxiety. Depression. Bulemia, Panic Disorder, Cutting, … etc. etc.
By the way, you didn’t do anything wrong by getting pregnant. You’re still a smart, capable, nice girl who can be a wonderful teenage mom! The BEST mom that baby deserves! Cleopatra
March 3rd, 2010 at 1:07 am
Youth is no barrier to being a good parent. Raise your child yourself, no-one could possibly ever do a better job of loving your child than you. Adoption, and being adopted, hurts, even though most adoptees have managed to find happiness the pain and abandonment issues that adoption causes never goes away, its like this back ground track that runs through, and sometimes over, everything I am and everything I do and Ive been living adoption for nearly 42 years now. From my first mothers point of view, relinquishing me was a hell that she never got over and it had a very large impact on her relationships with her other children. You owe it to yourself and your baby to keep together. minimouse68
March 5th, 2010 at 11:15 am
you should keep your child , it wont be easy but giving your child up for adoption has far worse consequences, and no your child will not hate you because you are young every baby needs his/her natural mother and loves her. Adoption in many cases is very deceptive and a new trick they use to get young girls to give up and go through the adoption is a thing called open adoption, this option an adopter can slam the door shut just as soon as they have rights to the baby or if they feel threatened and jealous of the bond that is naturally there between mother and her child. It’s normal to be afraid because you don’t know what to expect, there are support systems for teen moms I would recommend getting involved, you ‘ll feel better. Adoption is a permanent solution to a temporary problem( pregnancy crisis) Please save your self unnecessary future problems for you and your child, please dont go with adoption, love your baby things will fall into place. Good luck to you! Jenny
March 7th, 2010 at 12:25 pm
Why adoption? Why not legal guardianship? Your parental rights are just suspended until you get your life together. You still see the child whenever you want? When your ready for you child simple terminate the guardianship.
If you do decide on adoption make sure it is an open adoption. sandra F
March 10th, 2010 at 2:12 am
Your child is not likley to hate you because of your age, in reality an infant will think your God-on-earth if you feed them, cuddle with them, and let them play with your stuff. Hopefully be the time the child is older, they will understand that it was important that you cared for them, and not that you were so young. Lucky
March 12th, 2010 at 9:32 pm
Being young doesn’t mean you can’t be a good parent. Naturally you will be frightened but plenty of first time mothers are and babies need their mothers. Get support and concentrate on keeping yourself as well as possible, you’ll be a good mother. Pip
March 14th, 2010 at 3:10 am
Why do so many people say, “you had sex now you have to face the consequences”? A child is not a punishment for having a moment of stupidity or making an error in judgement. It’s a human being and deserves the best start it can get.
Never mind having a “baby” ok babies are easy and they don’t stay small for long. The question is can you be responsible for another living person for the next 20 years? That’s what young girls never seem to think about. They never think beyond the couple of baby years. There’s more to it than that. Are you going to be able to afford to live in a decent neighbourhood so your child can you go a good school with nice kids? What sports and extra curricular activities will you get him/her involved in? What high school will he/she attend? What will you do to make sure they don’t make the same mistake that you did? What’s your plan for college? What will you do the first time your child swears at you? What will you do when that child’s heart is broken? How do you plan to instill a good positive attitude?
There’s a lot more to being a parent than changing diapers and loving them. Be sure you’re ready before you punish a helpless child with your decision. I’m not saying you can’t do it. Many young people turn out to be great parents but many don’t so please, please think hard and be sure.
Good luck. Nic
March 15th, 2010 at 9:50 am
My mother married at 15 and had me at 16. At 17 my father left her with all the responsibilities of raising a baby on her own. I turned out just fine.
If she can do it, then you can do it. Lola
March 17th, 2010 at 4:07 pm
Talk to Your parents. You may eb afraid. But being just dropping her off with strangers to run away from your fear is a bad thing and you may regret it forever. I don’t know you and I can’t tell You what to do but my advice is keep her. She’ll love you. Anna
March 18th, 2010 at 8:37 am
keep your baby! your baby wants you. so what if you’re young, that doesn’t mean you cant be a good mother. Lady Rowan
March 19th, 2010 at 10:59 pm
Hate you because of your age? I doubt it, that usually goes in the other direction, old parents.
If you think you can do this then try. Its the only way you’re going to know for sure. If you find that you can’t, your baby will still be adoptable. They don’t expire till they hit around 8 or 10.
Your age may be young, but that means you will be young enough to properly play with your child. It gets better as they get older.
Besides if an adoption does end up being an option after you have tried, there is a strong chance a family member will step up and help out. That would be in the best interest of the child. smarmy
March 21st, 2010 at 11:49 am
EITHER PARENT OR ABORT!
DO NOT ABANDON YOUR CHILD TO ADOPTION!
Seriously.
If you know you don’t want it now, then get an abortion before it’s too late, because if you abandon it, you’re screwing it up for life - and probably yourself too.
If you don’t want to abort, then please do not allow anyone pressure you into abandoning it.
I was abandoned to adoption at 7mths old. I didn’t have a bad adoption - my afamily are the best I could ever have chosen… but if I’d been able to choose, and I’d known then what I know now, I’d've chosen to be aborted before birth instead, ’cause at least that way the lifetime of agony I’ve gone through would’ve been over in minutes, instead of the decades that I’ve been suffering for now.
I’ve been in reunion with my bfam for a few months now, and even that’s proving to be completely agonising.
Taken from Nancy Verrier’s book, Coming Home to Self:
For the adoptee every day is a challenge of trying to figure out how to be, although he probably doesn’t understand the difficulty this presents for him. It has been true his whole life and, therefore, feels normal. However, it takes a great deal of energy and concentration. And it never feels quite right. He never quite fits. Therefore he feels as if /he/ is never quite right.
(pg 50)
Abandonment and neglect are reported to be the two most devastating experiences that children endure - even more devastating then sexual or physical abuse. That’s why some neglected children do naughty things to get attention. Even though the attention is hurtful - being yelled at, hit, or otherwise harmed - it is better than neglect. /Anything/ is better than abandonment. Abandonment is a child’s greatest fear. For adoptees, it is also reality, embedded in their implicit and unintegrated memory.
(pg 102)
It is sometimes difficult to spot grief in children. After all, it isn’t as if the child sits in a puddle of tears his entire childhood. As one adoptee said, “Of course I played, laughed, sang. Do people think that if you’re not sitting in a corner with your head on your knees, you are not sad? I had happy times, but the sadness was always there, even when I was having fun.”
(pg 117)
Please, if you’re not gonna abort your baby, then make damn sure you parent it.
Go read - it’s by someone who made both choices at different times in her life.
You may find some of the books and links listed over at useful.
Good luck. 7rin
May 20th, 2010 at 1:08 pm
If you need someone to adopt the baby I will adopt the baby, I am already on a waiting list to adopt anyway. I have an attorney and I will cover all adoption cost.
Good luck with your decision, blessings.