thinking about open adoption for my baby?
Skyy asked:
hi im 18. and thinking about open adoption for my baby. the father and i dated for some years but i have no intention of being with him. i wan better for my baby and i really cant offer that now. neither can he or his family. i need advice about open adoption reasons why i should and shouldn’t. help?
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hi im 18. and thinking about open adoption for my baby. the father and i dated for some years but i have no intention of being with him. i wan better for my baby and i really cant offer that now. neither can he or his family. i need advice about open adoption reasons why i should and shouldn’t. help?
September 3rd, 2009 at 8:56 am
KEEP YOUR BABY. KEEP YOUR BABY AND KEEP YOUR BABY. I can’t stress this enough. Adoption is going to haunt you for the rest of your life if you give your baby up for adoption, you’ll regret it every day of your life and it is even more heartbreaking for YOU if it is an open adoption. You will have to watch your child calling someone else mommy while you’re some “aunt” or family friend that visits every now and then and not all open adoptions are actually open. The adoptive family could move and purposely lose all contact with you.
You had sex so deal with the consequences and raise and love your child. You’re 18, You’re an adult and it doesn’t matter if you’re going to be a single mom, there are plenty of organizations out there to help you. Have you got family that would help you? Will the baby’s father help you?
Raise and love YOUR baby.
September 4th, 2009 at 1:38 pm
If you have a roof over your head than i believe you can take care of a child. There are many programs that can help. This is your baby and i believe he should be with you. Adoption is a beautiful thing and i would never look down on it but me personally i could never give my baby up no matter if i was 14 or 41. Thats just my opinion. Dont let anybody talk you into giving your baby up. In the end its your decision but i would say keep your baby because you might regret your decision later. Look up programs that can help. im not sure what state you live in so i dont have much advise. I knoe i live in california and we have WIC which pays for formula…Child Links which pays for daycare and other programs that help with housing. Sorry this is so long but I really believe women should keep there children. Best of luck. By the way im only 19 and would love a child.
September 7th, 2009 at 11:11 pm
i was 16 when i fell preg the first time, i freaked out. i thought how am i going to support my baby, but it worked out for me in the end. it could for you. its hard for a while but once you get everything for you’re baby, it doesn’t cost heaps. alot of single mum’s do great. tho if it’s not the right choice for you then you shouldn’t be judged for that. is there anyone in you’re family that could adopt you’re child or try find someone who will let you still be apart of the babies life….
tho when or if you see you’re baby for the first time it will be so hard to let go, you fall in-love instantly.
good luck and i hope things work out for you with whatever you choose
September 11th, 2009 at 12:37 am
Open adoption is not legally enforceable. Most adoptive parents promise open adoption knowing full well that they can close the adoption as soon as the natural mother of the baby signs over her legal rights.
Open adoption = legal lies.
Please read this expose on so-called open adoption:
September 12th, 2009 at 5:50 am
I think its really good of you to think of this option rather than just having an abortion like most young girls would do. This shows real maturity and strength, well done. There are so many childless couples out there that for different reasons cant have their own children but desperately want to be parents, I know several couples in this situation and my heart breaks for them. If you don’t think you could support and raise this baby in the way it deserves and know in your heart this is the right decision then do it- you will make someones dream come true.
I don’t know how you would have to go about it or the legalities of an open adoption but seriously consider this, this is such an amazing gift that you can do for someone else. I have know idea how hard this decision must be for you but try to find out as much information as you can so you can so you really know what your getting into and listen to your heart and don’t do anything you don’t feel comfortable with. I wish you all the best.
September 15th, 2009 at 1:37 pm
This is a huge decision that only you and the babies father can make.
If you truly can not support yourself or this baby than adoption may be a good option for you.
Adoption has its good things and not so good things.
In the end it becomes a decision that has to be made for the good of the child… not what will make you or the babies father feel better.
Good luck to you
September 18th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
Sweetheart, I am 21, 14 weeks pregnant, not with the father of my child and have no intention of being with him because I’m a bona fide lesbian. It’s understandable you want better for your child, so did I. I voiced the idea of adoption here and Lordy, you seem to be on the polite watch because I got a STREAM of hate, and a few kind and sympathetic words.
All I can say to you from my own experiences is- there is a lot of help out there for us single Mums, I live in the UK and am currently researching what is available to me, and it’s overwhelming. Help finding a home, help funding that home if you work, help funding childcare while you work, child benefit, lots. I’m not suggesting you ’sponge’ off the state, but if you are WILLING to raise a child, you will get help and support.
Even the most militant parents struggle to stay cold and unhelpful when you present them with a grandchild, so you might find help and support there.
And the Dad might be willing to spend time with his child- you never know.
There are a lot of obstacles, and I initially thought I would raise my child alone, on a pithy income as I’d go part time at work, with no help from babys Dad or my family. As the weeks have progressed people have come out one at a time to support me (yes, there’s been some people who tut and sigh and have a bit of a go, but you learn to poke your head above that and forget them) and I’m going to make a go of it.
If you truly struggle, there is always the care system- for a few weeks relief, or permanently, but it isn’t closed or final like adoption, you still have contact and can reclaim your child at any time.
Email me if you want to talk; I’m not trying to coerce you into keeping your baby because if you’ve set your heart on adoption, I’m just an internet stranger and not going to try to change your heart. But it took a few kind words from someone out there to cut through all the crap people told me that I was ‘unable’ to support a child, and I expect to be a proud, capable mother in a few months time. Best of luck hon. X
September 21st, 2009 at 11:24 am
KEEP YOUR BABY. I’m begging you. Whether you like the dad or not, you should keep your baby. She deserves the love of her true mother. Though she would have a better life with her adoptive parents, can’t you think how much she’ll hate YOU for giving her away like an old toy? Put yourself in the place of your baby. What if YOU were given away by your mother? What if YOU won’t ever get a chance to see YOUR mother? How would YOU feel? Think about it.
September 23rd, 2009 at 1:28 am
PLEASE KEEP YOUR BABY
Please….
September 23rd, 2009 at 1:52 am
First off, is a blog community I’ve created so I’ve got somewhere to pull many links about adoption into one place for ease of finding - go read some of the links first.
After that, please realise that there is nothing better anyone can give their baby than their own love and care. Just because someone else has money doesn’t mean that they’re going to give the kid any love.
September 24th, 2009 at 12:42 pm
I am going 2 disagree with the previous writer.
Just because you are pregnant, is not the reason to keep your baby, sometimes you give up a child out of luv, instead of being selfish and keeping knowing you cant raise her/him properly right now
As for open many pros and cons.
The first thing is you may get many offers from posting your question here…tho i am sure they are looking for an adoption..here is not the place for that
The first question you must ask yourself what is going 2 be best for the baby.
Now adays there are many ways of adoption,in a way i was an open adoption, was raised by my grandparents, knowing who mom was, but it was my grandparents who were my “real” parents
I have alsdo know many ppl who have adopted, and some open some not, but in each case they (the adopted parents) would always be willing u help and disclose what infor they had.
The decision u are about 2 make is going to b the toughest of ur life
i have more input but i do not wish 2 share it w the world on here.
if u care 2 contact me please email me
September 26th, 2009 at 1:56 pm
im not going to be one of those people to yell at you to keep your baby… only you know your situation and you know what would be best for your baby. i applaud you for your courage but know that it will probably be one of the hardest choices you will ever have to make. open adoption could or could not be the best thing depending on the person. and since i dont know your situation i dont know exactly how to answer…
but just know that when it is final that the child is adopted there is no going back…you are no longer his/her mother. the open adoption will only let you have minimal visitation and picture rights thats really all up to the parents of the child what they want you involved in. i hope all goes well with you and your future. good luck
September 29th, 2009 at 12:40 am
i was young when i got pregnant with my old daughter i did a open adoption and yes it’s very painful sad and there is not a enough words to say how it can make you feel
i see my daughter whenever i want too. it does hurt to hear my daughter call another woman mommy but i made the decision to give birth to her and give her a family that could give her more then i could
i found last year i was pregnant again my mom wanted me to give this baby my boyfriend and i talked about keeping her
my daughter is 5 months old now and we don’t much but we love her she has clothes on her back diapers on her booty and food in her belly and i place to call home we love her so much
if you can do this aand then you could take care of your child
but if you really want to give your child up and you feel that is thee best thing for your child then your are a most loving unselfish brave person
i hope everything works out
September 30th, 2009 at 3:19 am
Skyy. I am not going to talk about your situation directly. Only you can decide what is right for your life.
I will tell you that I adopted twins. It is an open adoption. We are very close to the birth mom and her two children. The situation works very well. The kids are 3 soon and know that she is their biological mother (as much as they can understand that they were in her tummy). They love her and she loves them. The bio-mom and I have talked at length about how she is doing and if she has regrets. She says she knows the children are where they belong and loves us all.
I feel like we are sisters and I talk to her often. In no way does she co-parent the children - she doesn’t want to. She really is like an aunt to them.
You need to be sure that you would be able to handle this and find the right couple that is willing to open their lives to you and your baby. It is true that this is not enforceable. In other words, if the couple changes their mind about the open adoption you will have no recourse.
Unfortunately, a lot of people have been hurt by adoption (as you are seeing on this site). I think if you are going to make the choice to do this then an open or semi open adoption may be the best way. Be part of the child’s life and know that there will be no harmful secrets about where they came from. You can also be sure that your child will learn about their biological heritage as well as their adopted one.
To do an open adoption you need to change your definition of what family is… we have a much bigger family than we ever dreamed. We include the birth mom in our family now. We even have adopted relatives in Colombia that we have contacted on facebook (all of her relatives are there).
Please don’t do anything you are not comfortable with! Make sure you find a nonprofit agency that will care for you and your baby and give you free counseling to be sure this is what you want. Make sure you are not pressured or rushed into anything.
Good luck and God bless!
September 30th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
First off remember that an open adoption is not enforceable. I have an open adoption and am allowing my son’s mother to visit anytime she wants, my house is her house. But at anytime I could tell her to stay away and there is not a legal thing she could do about it. If you are hell bent on adoption I would lean toward open, it’s the best for the child considering the circumstances.
I’m not going to yell at you that your only option is to keep your baby like a lot of other people, I just want to offer to a few pointers to consider. You don’t have to arrange the adoption while pregnant, it’s a scary time for a lot of women. Wait until after you give birth, hold your baby in your arms, think it over for a few days. Adoption is permanent, there is no going back and like I said, open adoptions are not legally binding. The AP’s can cut off you off from your child for any reason. If you still don’t think you can raise this child, then look into adoption, there will still be lots of people who would love to adopt your child. Please don’t start the process while pregnant, this is when adoption agency prey on young women like yourself, while your scared and unsure. Also money is never a reason to give up a child, not sure where you are from but ask around, you will be surprised at the amount of help there is for young parents like your boyfriend and yourself. Best of luck to you whatever your choice, wishing you a safe pregnancy
October 1st, 2009 at 6:22 pm
‘Open’ adoptions mysteriously become closed and there is no legal comeback for you. They’ll promise you the world, pictures, updates even visits to get you to sign on the dotted line. The poof, nothing.
October 3rd, 2009 at 12:40 pm
Brace your self, it’s a long bumpy ride.
October 5th, 2009 at 2:12 pm
It’s difficult to give reasons why you should vs. shouldn’t because it isn’t enforceable past a certain period (depends on where you live) and certainly, the adoptive parents can decide to scrap it.
But it CAN work. It works for us and that’s the plan for the future. As I’ve written here before…in our case…we re-initate contact with our son’s bio mom more than the other way around. She has another child now and we know she cares about our son so we update her on special days, pictures etc…so she knows we still think of her.
Open adoption is more of a spectrum decision….based on the combination of what the mother prefers with what the adoptive parents consider reasonable for their family. Some adoptive families welcome the chance to do updates, pictures and in our case, visits too but not reveal their full name or location as in our case (bio dad who she lives with is a convicted felon…’nuff said).
Some adoptive parents want to just send and receive letters.
Some adoptive parents will do whatever the mother/parents want.
It does work but as you’ve read already, not all adoptive parents hold their end of the agreement. That’s fraud and it’s cruel.
Good luck with your future. Do what YOU think is best for the child. It isn’t all fairytale happiness OR doom and gloom. But you need to look after yourselves if you proceed because it is a painful decision to live with.
October 8th, 2009 at 3:37 am
First of all open adoption IS enforceable in certain states, you will probably need to contact an adoption agency or lawyer for more information. Next, I believe adoption is a wonderful and loving choice. Keeping a child you can’t raise is only hurting the baby. This site may help you with your decision:
October 9th, 2009 at 7:45 am
hi well first, if it’s just temporarily that you can’t care for your child than you should try open adoption, because later on in life when you become stable you may decide to care for your child. But if you really don’t think you’ll ever be able to care for your child than do private adoption. it lets you get to know different family’s and choose which family to have you child. you are part of the process. hope i helped. u can private message me if you need to know more.
October 12th, 2009 at 2:52 am
i honestly feel if you don’t plan on being with the father and u already have these strong feelings of knowing your not ready……THEN YOUR NOT …..you will know when your ready…. i was so excited when i found out i was pregnant never doubted anything at all.. our son was born a still born we buried him 5 days later as a parent honey don’t put a child in a unsure situation there are thousands of couple like us that are financially stable and really wanting children…we want our own but we also want to adopt … just don’t get a abortion its not right…. i pray no one ever has to have one my matthews life never got started and it was hard to go through but seeing him and holding him helped us with are separation from him now.. have the baby do the right thing trust me in the end it will get better if your not ready help someone who is honey you will feel better about it i promise