What does the natural mother gain from adoption?
maybe asked:
Everyone talks about adoption as a “win” for everyone involved. What does a mother “win” when she loses her baby to adoption?
ETA: Based on many respones, it appears that many people think women are eager to get rid of their babies. Why do you believe this?
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Everyone talks about adoption as a “win” for everyone involved. What does a mother “win” when she loses her baby to adoption?
ETA: Based on many respones, it appears that many people think women are eager to get rid of their babies. Why do you believe this?
September 23rd, 2009 at 9:12 pm
She’s seeing her baby go to a home and family who can care for it in ways she can’t. Financially being the most important. She probably doesn’t have the means to provide what her baby needs. http://www.bigjobtools.com/srch/srch.php?q=Hitachi
September 24th, 2009 at 4:53 am
First of all, I don’t think that a natural mother and a birth mother are necessarily the same thing. The one that does the “mothering” is the natural mother in my eyes. She wins the loss of responsibility of caring for another person for 18 years. She is usually given any help necessary to keep the child if it’s wanted. She also gains the satisfaction of knowing that someone has the baby with the means to give it what it needs in life. http://www.prohomeschool.com/seton-homeschool.htm
September 26th, 2009 at 6:19 am
often times mother who gives a baby up for adoption is in a difficult situation and she cannot give good care to the baby… either she is in a rotten relationship, a single mom or a mom with a lot of kids already… she doesn’t want to the kill the life, the baby, growing inside her so she decides to make the unselfish, hardest choice of her life to give the baby a better chance than she feels she can give.
WHen a mom gives her baby up for adoption she is not saying she doesn’t love the kid, she is saying I love this baby so much I want it to have what I may not be able to give it.
The natural mother gains the the knowledge that she is doing the best for a baby she cannot take care of at this point in her life and she gains the peace that this child is living and not just paycheck to an abortion clinic…
the mother also is able to connect with this child again in the future…
sometimes the mother knows the adoptive parents and is able to keep contact with the child
———-sorry excuse me…. if the birth mother wants to be found and reunited then it is possible to connect in the future…
I just found out I had a sister I never knew i had connected with my father recently…. it is possible although everyone adopted is not as fortunate to find their birth parents and that is sad… but it still is possible… don’t discount that http://www.businessbrokersguide.com/michigan-business-broker.htm
September 28th, 2009 at 4:47 am
She see’s her child go into a home she could not provide for the child.
No one loses a child to adoption (unless the mother is deemed unfit, junkie, crazy etc) most mothers give their bablie for adoption…its a much better option than abortion or dumping a baby in a dumbster wouldn’t you say? http://www.greatjewelrydesign.com/watches-314
October 1st, 2009 at 1:11 pm
I don’t know. I guess if the mother is really young, she gets a second chance at life without taking a life. For mothers who are too poor to care for their children, I actually have an issue with people “helping” by adopting her child. Why not help her financially? Why not help her get an education so she can raise her own child? Why not “adopt” or sponsor the whole family? That’d be a win-win in my book. http://www.familylawmadeeasy.com/child-support-payment.htm
October 2nd, 2009 at 5:40 am
Knowing she didn’t abort her baby, and having satisfaction of knowing her baby is with a family that has yearned for her baby.
If I didn’t have the means to raise a child, I know I’d find some satisfaction knowing she was with a family who wanted to adopt her. Many adoptions are by young girls who choose not to abort. Good for them.
EDIT: Based on the thumbs down, I really must not understand this question. I don’t mean to come across as ignorant, but wouldn’t it be a “win” for a mom who hates abortion to know she didn’t have one, but went the adoption route instead. Not saying it’d be easy, but a win as opposed to the other option.
EDIT: I couln’t stop thinking about this post. It kept me up last night. When I got up and had 16 thumbs down, and read the other’s comments, I think I finally got it…a little. I’m sorry to all of you moms whove had the excruciating experience of having your babies adopted. I can’t even bear the thought of giving mine up. I guess I did view it as a win given people’s circumstances being different than mine. I now see that you mothers have the same love for your children as I have for mine, and if I didn’t have mine, I’d have feeling of gut wrenching sadness everyday. That definitly wouldn’t be classified as a win in anyone’s book. All I know I have seen on Dr.Phil or Oprah. Not from personal experience. You can’t expect someone who hasn’t been in your shoes to understand until it is explained to them. I think I understand a little better now, and again I’m sorry. http://www.qualitylawnmower.com/dixon-lawn-mower.htm
October 2nd, 2009 at 8:12 am
Mine didn’t gain anything.
ETA: “Knowing she didn’t abort her baby, and having satisfaction of knowing her baby is with a family that has yearned for her baby.”
That sounds SO CREEPY. And holy crap on a pogostick, abortion and adoption are two different methods considered for two DIFFERENT situations!!!
ETA: Maybe: It is because they have convinced themselves that a “birthmother” did not really “want” her child or they have magic crystal 8 balls that have determined the child WILL have a “better” life, guaranteed.
Seriously, it is because they cannot comprehend why a mother would have to give up her child. Therefore they must keep it “simple” because they do not want to think about the consequences of a mother being forced to relinquish. They do not want to believe it happens or has happened, because it is too terrible to admit and then they would have to delve deeper and admit there is a level of denial on this issue and THAT takes some serious psychological thinking. http://www.informationrestoration.com/mac-data-recovery/mac-data-recovery.htm
October 4th, 2009 at 12:37 pm
Roxanne A is wrong. The birthmother does not always see the child again. If that was true, thousands of us would not be desperately searching for years and years. Not everyone is able to find each other again. Some people give up and some die before they are reunited. It is not always true either that the mother knows the child will go into a good home. When I was adopted, she probably didn’t know anything about my parents. It wasn’t always like that. The agency matched me with my parents. ALSO PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THAT A BETTER LIFE AND A DIFFERENT LIFE ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS. If the bm puts her child up for adoption, that does not necessarily mean a better life all of the time. Sometimes it just means a different one. Autumn is right. Material possessions are what adoption seems to be all about. I have everything I wanted growing up, but I was still sad, b/c I never knew why my birthmother did not keep me. http://www.premierhomestyle.com/outdoor-living-1584
October 7th, 2009 at 9:58 am
hopefully?????????????
a seriously GOOD shrink.
separating a mother and child is NOT healthy. http://www.healthstorebargains.com/srch/srch.php?q=proteins
October 9th, 2009 at 5:58 pm
Well, I don’t know if the term “lose” is correct. She fully chooses to give up her child for adoption, for whatever reason. She gains the knowledge that the child she could not, or would not, take care of will be raised by a loving, caring family. Most likely a couple who has wanted kids for many years but have been unable to have them naturally.
She can take peace knowing that the child will be raised by people who WANT children, instead of living with the thought of deserting a child (by dropping them off somewhere or allowing CPS to take the child), or killing a child by abortion. Adoption seems like a much more peaceful and “win” solution than the others, that’s for sure. http://www.cargearusa.com/srch/srch.php?q=horns
October 11th, 2009 at 6:43 pm
The mother is placing the baby for adoption because she doesn’t feel that she can take care of him/her at that point in her life. She is seeing her baby go to a loving home where the parents are ready and willing to take care of her baby and that is the good part for her. Her baby gets to have a family that is ready and willing to care for him/her. http://www.resumeminers.com/online-degree/online-degree-certificates.htm
October 13th, 2009 at 5:09 am
The birth mother get’s a better home for her child than she could give, as well as an alternative to aborting.
EDIT- I agree with Deans and Buttercup! http://www.resumeminers.com/Job-Interview/Standard-Job-Interview-Questions.htm
October 13th, 2009 at 12:26 pm
There are things that some would see as a “gain” but that doesn’t’ take away from the loss.
If I were to lose my kids tomorrow in an accident (GOd forbid), I would GAIN sleep, more money, more time to myself, BUT it would never make up for the loss.
A person placing a child would gain the same thing as a person losing a child to death, only with adoption, the parents (at least in our case) may continue to have a relationsihp with the child. http://www.popwebshop.com/health/
October 15th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
It’s not that they want to get rid of their babies, they are not able (or sometimes willing) to take care of a child. This may mean physically, mentally, or emotionally. These women win in that they know the potential adoptive parents they choose are willing to work hard and put their mind, money, and energy into getting a child to love and fully support. http://www.resumebutler.com/About.htm
October 16th, 2009 at 5:10 am
Shouldn’t she know what she is going to gain? She should have thought that out already depending on her situation before she gives the baby up. Weight the pros and cons. http://www.cargearusa.com/srch/srch.php?q=chevrolet
October 17th, 2009 at 9:37 am
A natural mother stands to win this incredible package consisting of:
-Post Traumatic Stress Disorder!
-Feelings of guilt, shame and regret!
-Anxiety, Panic and Fear!
-Depression!
But wait, there’s more!
-Repressed memories!
-Emotional numbness!
And for the grand prize winners, all of the above plus –
-Secondary Infertility!
All this can be yours if you fall prey to the adoption industry at a vulnerable time in your life. http://www.proofficesupply.com/equipment-office-supply.htm
October 17th, 2009 at 10:50 am
Nothing that I can see, but what does my thought count? I have never done it…
Also, it seems that in the majority of adoptions, the only thing that the adoptee “gains” is material possessions. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t give up my family for a pony or an in ground swimming pool… http://www.healthstorebargains.com/srch/srch.php?q=Pain
October 18th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
I don’t think it is a “win” for the natural mother at all. In our situation it was a mother making what she felt was the best decision for her children. We have a very good relationship with the natural mother of our children and I know that she thinks about the boys every day. While she still feels that she did what was best for her boys, I don’t think she considers it a “win” either. http://www.businessbrokersguide.com/seattle-business-broker.htm
October 20th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
I got lots of real bad therapy. Night terrors is one of my fav gifts from adoption. Depression, guilt, shame, lost family and friends,lost the ability to enjoy my pregnancy and new baby guilt free, second guessing every choice I make, lost the ability to trust anyone and the list goes on and on. If this is a win I sure as hell never want to lose http://www.chefcookingware.com/982
October 21st, 2009 at 5:14 am
Here’s what I gained:
-Nightmares
-An Alcohol problem for the first 9 months
-An inability to bond with my next child because I was afraid I would either lose him or someone would come and take him.
-A serious fear of walking out of the hospital again without my child, which almost happened with my second child.
-Post traumatic stress disorder
-Nasty looks and pity from people when they found out
-The judgement of other people
-A lifetime sentence for me, my other children and possible grandchildren for making a mistake when I was 16
Here’s what people think I gained, but really didn’t:
-Piece of mind
-An easier life
-A sense of being noble for what I did for my daughter
There it is in a nutshell http://www.resumebutler.com/Job%20Search%20Resources.htm
October 22nd, 2009 at 3:44 am
Yes, isn’t that the common notion, that mothers are dumping all those unwanted babies into the Baby Store, so that all those eager PAPS can cruise the aisle choosing just the perfect baby who had the misfortune of being placed into the wrong tummy. But, God’s error will quickly be corrected when they pick out just the one who God intended them to have, that silly Guy!! What a Trickster! That Scamp! What a load of CRAP!!
Let me think of what I gained…the wonderful self-esteem thing that can only come from being told that you are not even fit to raise the baby you are bearing, tho you’ve never been given a chance.
You gain the knowledge that no matter what horror happens you will survive it in body, because your spirit is already walled off. You also have the knowlege to know what rape feels like before you get raped so you can recognize those feelings when you feel them again (see other question).
You gain the ability, if you are a goooooooooooood girl and play your cards just right, that someone may toss you a bone after you wait for 23 years and take the time to actually OPEN the freaking file when you or your son calls so that you can meet. And, what a joy that is to find a son that terrifies you, but that’s okay, since he will bounce in and out of your life for 29 years when he is dry or not on drugs. Gee, hate to miss that!
You also gain the amazing gift of seeing what those oh, so wonderful people who were sooo much more fit to raise your flesh and blood did with that. The abuse, the alcohol, the anger, the rage, the violence…gosh, that was a bonus I wouldn’t have been able to experience.
You also get the amazing gift of knowing that every single person in your life, the ones who are supposed to take care of you and love you unconditionally, put saving face over you and your child. That’s one that I won’t forget or forgive soon, boy, I will tell you!!! Wow, what a WIN that one is!
Gosh, I could just go on and on and on….next go round I think I’ll pass on all those gains…. http://www.cargearusa.com/srch/srch.php?q=audi
October 22nd, 2009 at 8:45 pm
She gains an option. I think the talk about a win is relative. If freely chosen, she’s judged it the better option, if only as the lesser of two evils.
Someone could give her a better option than adoption, but taking away adoption without giving her something else would unconditionally be a loss since it is possible for her to raise her child herself while the adoption option still exists. http://www.qualitylawnmower.com/craftsman-lawn-mower.htm
October 22nd, 2009 at 9:31 pm
Depends what people see as a gain.
Some so called ‘gains’: Pain, anguish, mental health issues ONLY caused by the loss of your child and oh, the actual LOSS of your own child.
So all in all, I would say they gain N.O.T.H.I.N.G http://www.autostires.com/bbs-wheels-289
October 25th, 2009 at 2:05 pm
My bmom was married, in college, healthy, living a healthy lifestyle, and had tons of family support. She had goals that she wanted to achieve and having a baby around to take care of would have simply slowed her down.
So, by giving me away she gained liberty from an unwanted child. http://www.premierhomestyle.com/wall-brackets-and-sconces-1558
October 26th, 2009 at 8:53 pm
I gained the infamous “it could have been worse…” which completely dismisses the loss and pain I feel. http://www.realfreshfood.com/health-food/health-food.htm
October 29th, 2009 at 11:39 pm
People are quick to judge. I was too until I met the women that would change my life forever. My son’s birth mother. She gave me her baby in adoption. She told me her life story, her reasons for giving him up. She didn’t want to get rid of him like so many people think is the reason that children are put up for adoption. They want a good life for their children, a roof over their head, food on the table, clothes on their back, an education, a stable family. In an open adoption the birth mother decides who is going to be the parents of her child. I don’t think people should say that they are getting rid of their babies. Their reason for putting their child up for adoption should be respected. http://www.ihearclear.com/cheap-hearing-aids.htm
November 1st, 2009 at 1:44 am
She gains “freedom” I was a child who was adopted. She dropped me off at a fire station that said “I am a party girl. Don’t have time for a kid. Not emotionally stable. Thanks for the freedom!”
Kids have nothing that they win. Just sadness. And plus adoptees try to hide it from their APs. I only cry if my mom won’t know about it. Like at school I cry with teachers. It is terrible.
People should take responsibility for their actions.
The only people this benefits are people that cannot have children, like my APs. So glad I have them.
She wins NOTHING!!! SHE IS NOTHING!
Hope I helped!
Temperance Celeste http://www.namingmybaby.com/popular-baby-name-2005.htm
November 1st, 2009 at 9:57 am
Not enough. That’s why this girl is keeping her baby! http://www.myislandholiday.com/oak-island-nc-vacation-rental.htm
November 2nd, 2009 at 9:41 am
I will say this- when I met the birth moms of our adopted parents- I can tell you I realized how hard it is for them to do what they did. I am adopted as well, so I love and respect my birth mom more since we have adopted. I hope some birth moms answer this question personally- but I can tell you this, if I had gotten pregnant and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I could not parent, the only option for me would be adoption. I am not saying this because of my experience with it, I am saying it because life is important. It is very hard for a birth mom to place, I am not denying that but I am saying that they will never remember taking the life of their child, if they could NOT raise at all. http://www.batterybackupguide.com/ups-battery-backup.htm
November 4th, 2009 at 8:06 pm
Dear Maybe,
Heartache and pain. http://www.goldbuyingguide.com/
November 6th, 2009 at 2:19 am
I didn’t gain anything, I went home empty handed and cry for 30 years. Who knew it would be so traumatic? Who knew they lied when they said, “you’ll get over it” “you can go on with your life” “You will forget”. Who knew that was bull?
Yes, she went to a nice family and I have nothing but respect for them. http://www.resumeminers.com/Job-Interview/Establishing-Rapport.htm
November 8th, 2009 at 11:40 am
I wasn’t “eager” to get rid of my babies. I was extremely difficult. In the long run it was the best decision for all. My babies had a home with two parents who could support them financially, and they have a daddy and a mommy, I was able to finish school and now I have a husband who loves me and a son of our own. I see then on occasion but it’s somewhat uncomfortable for me. They know who I am. In my mind,as hurtful as it was to do, it was a win win in every way. http://www.fishtrek.com/saltwater-fish-guide/bluefin-tuna.htm
November 8th, 2009 at 3:52 pm
PTSD & a broken heart. http://www.jewelrymakingidea.com/making-beaded-jewelry.htm
November 8th, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Maybe - The only people who believe women are eager to give up their children are the ones who either have no experience of adoption of the thousands of childless couples who want to be live in a utopia that bio parents are all crackwhores and sluts rather than face up to the reality that many are bullied and coerced into giving their children up by companies that make money from it. http://www.fresh-coffee.com/coffee/organic-coffee.htm
November 9th, 2009 at 2:47 am
stretchmarks,
episotomy pain,
incontence,
depression
PTSD
substance abuse
belly “pooch” that doesn’t go away without cosmetic surgery,
engored breasts,
no birthday parties,
no first coos,
no juicy kisses,
no “ma ma.”
—————————————-
hell, with all those “benefits” i think everyone should place for adoption. /sarcasm.
ps. a very small number of women are unable to parent. the rest have to be made to believe adoption is their only option. http://www.resumeminers.com/