What should I do? Parent or place the baby for adoption?
I am 19 years old and am a junior at university. My bf of 3 years has become a different person who drink, smokes, partys, and does illegal drugs. I disagree with all of these things and although I hope it’s a phase. We ended our relationship February. Shortly afterwards my mother’s cancer progressed and she passed away this Easter after five strong years of fighting. A week after the funeral I realized that my period was way off. I thought it was stress but I was 3 months pregnant.
I have tried to be responsible with the pregnancy and the baby has been very healthy. I told my ex the day I found out and have informed a few family members that will respect me no matter what choice I make about the future of the baby. I am 6 months along and although I have been doing research and counseling, I can’t seem to decide. Should I parent or place the baby in an adoptive family?
Financially the baby will be well provided for, unfortunately curtsy of the inheritance I just received. My biggest concerns are that the father will be wishy-washy in the child’s life if I decide to parent. My dad is concerned that I will have to become a mother too quickly and miss out on dating and the social life that I have been developing. I plan to finish school which will take two years and will still like to pursue my dream of becoming a lawyer, which is feasible with a baby but difficult. My worst fear is that I jealously want the baby to fit into my life, instead of mine centering on him.
With an (open) adoptive family he’d be well provided for and surrounded by two parents that adore each other as well as him. Counselors have asked me to divide the situation into 3 questions: Whats best for the father: adoption. Whats best for the mother: I adore the baby and would love to raise him and finally; Whats best for the baby?
That’s where I get stuck. So with the info you have on me, my situation, and your own life experiences, what do you think I should do?/what do you think is best for the baby?
March 4th, 2009 at 1:58 pm
What do you feel in your heart? You probably already know the true answer. You just have to go with it and ignore all the other voices. If you want to raise your baby, you will find ways to do it. It won’t be easy but the rewards are going to be beyond words. If you chose to place him for adoption, you know he will always be cherished and loved, too. Either way, you are already a great mom to this little one since you obviously want to do the right thing. Just go with your heart and never look back!
March 4th, 2009 at 4:48 pm
The natural mother would undoubtedly always be the best option … I’d always root for that even though I may not understand the circumstances which may cause you to give the child up…
March 4th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
I think you will do just fine! My daughter has never met her father—his choice—and now I have 4 kids and a wonderfull man I did 2 years of college with 2 of my 4 and I still dated and had a life..My problem was the money and you don’t have that issue.
Follow your heart and keep your child close to it..maby the father will come around but if not YOU sound strong enough to handle it…and it sounds like you have family to help!
Maby this is a gift from God to help you with the loss of your mother! I believe the baby is a blessing sent to you from God to help you NOT to hurt you! (and I am not even religiouse)
Good Luck sweety! It may be hard but as a MOMMY to 4 I can tell you it will all be worth it and you will not have regrets…if you do the open adoption you may end up with some regrets later. LUV STAR
March 7th, 2009 at 4:07 am
What about an open adoption, one where the adoptive parents include you in the life of the child? This would most certainly require a private adoption. Other than that, if you do go adoption, I would really look into private adoption, because you get to decide the best couple for the baby.
You are you, you do have the means, but are you mature enough? Are you going to be able to miss classes when the baby is sick? Are you ready for cramming for an exam when the baby is teething? Are you ready to basically be a million times more worried about the men you date because they will be around the baby or could abuse the baby?
My honest instinct tells me adoption. I have two children, and tried to work, but they needed me so much more. Give it lots of thought. Make the decision free from emotion. Listen to your rational mind.
March 9th, 2009 at 12:24 am
go with your gut feeling….you say you adore the baby. if you think that you will later regret giving up the baby, then keep it. yes you will miss out on some things….but being a mother is the most rewarding job ever. but if you feel like you cannot raise a child, or the child will be neglected in any way then let someone adopt it. you will make the right decision….good luck!
March 10th, 2009 at 5:20 pm
You said you’re financially able, but are you able to study? how’s your grades? can you do both? be a mother and be a good student? I think the perfect solution for you is to transfer to a college or university near your father’s house, that way he can perhapes help you to babysit while you’re studying at night and instead of spending extra money on dormitory or rent, you can use the money on daycare until you graduate.
March 13th, 2009 at 11:46 pm
WOW, only U can make this decision. However I was very blessed by a woman much like you who allowed me to adopt her son. I brought him home for the hospital and went to every Dr appointment with her and now he is 17. He has been the biggest blessing in my life and I feel a “Gift” from God. Adoption is not a bad thing at all. It could be the best decision you could make for everyone or it could be the worst. Above all if you choose adoption make sure that the adoptive parents will be open and honest with the baby right from the beginning and never lie to the child about where he came from. I told my son the very first time he asked where babies came from because I never wanted him to feel abandoned or not wanted by his bio mother. Good luck with your decision
March 15th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
I think you are the best option. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, and a supportive family. Other than asking a question this serious on yahoo answers…lol.. you seem like a reasonable person. Babies are tough, but you are tougher than you think. I don’t think you have to give up anything you want to do. School will be a little harder, but not impossible by any means. As far as dating and social stuff. No respectable man would shy away from a woman with a child. You may need to lean on some others (babysitting) to get some you time, but every mom deserves that.
Adopted children always find out they are adopted. I couldn’t imagine ever having to go through that as a person. No matter what the first reaction is probably going to be that his/her parents didn’t want him/her. Nobody wants to feel that. Besides, you sound like you want to keep the baby. Some people wouldn’t be able to live with themselves if they gave up a child for adoption. You have to know if you are strong enough for that as well. It can be just as tough. Babies aren’t the end of the world or your life. What ever your decision I wish you and your baby the best.
D
March 17th, 2009 at 8:40 pm
I am a chosen child, so I would say the best for the baby is adoption. There are of coarse no guarantees in life…the neighbours adopted two adorable kids who are in school now, but their marriage is ending in divorce. The mom works part time and has family to help her so the kids will still have a good home.
I was in college when I had my first child, yes it was difficult even with a husband, but I finished school.
Hope this helps not just adds to your confusion
March 20th, 2009 at 10:48 pm
well i would listen to your heart but you will truly be missing something if you don’t parent him or her.
March 22nd, 2009 at 10:07 am
I have to agree with Jules2you (your first answer). Unfortunately, this is only a decision that you can make. It sounds like you have given it a lot of thought so far, and you need to follow your heart.
Good luck to you.
March 25th, 2009 at 8:53 am
You sound like a smart and mature girl, who will make a wonderful mother!
My advice is to never place your baby into strangers arms without being 100% sure that it is the best for you and your baby.
Honestly, I really think that you should keep your own baby.
You bring up several issues:
1. your boyfriend. i am so glad that you broke up with him. you can raise your baby without him. you sound like a terrific girl to be able to find a nice man who would make you a good husband and a wonderful dad to your baby. i know many kids who ended up having a great step fathers - much much better than their own.
2. your dad’s concern. remember, your dad is your dad, he is thinking about your welfare mostly. you are his baby after all.
but you need to think about your own baby on your own (which obviously you are). that is way becoming a mother forces women to become more independent and more mature.I realized that in order to be a truly good mother, i had to grow up significantly and be no longer daddy’s little girl anymore.
3. i know once you adopt the baby, i will guarantee, you will always think about it and wonder about what ifs…. you will never forget your baby.
it is ok to fit your baby into your life, you shouldnt feel bad about it. You are so young, you can always take a semester or two off the school and then place your baby in day care or with family while you finish your school.
Because you have a supportive family and financial security you should be able to do it!!!
Believe me, your baby will be better off with you. You will be able to provide him/her with your breastmilk, which is very important and the best gift to your child. If you place your chil for adoption, your baby will always wonder about you and will ask you many difficult questions as a grown up!
with all these said, i wish you all the best and hope you choose what is the best for you and the baby!
March 28th, 2009 at 9:55 am
I had my first child when I was barely 17 years old. She is now 36 years old and a beautiful person through and through. i am so proud of her! Because you are having such a difficult time making a decision, I think you very much want to keep your baby. You CAN have your baby fit into your life! That is what having a child is really all about! There are all kinds of single moms in college and holding down good careers. While it may be harder - you can talk to your career counselor about programs available to you to assist you in your pursuing your dream of becoming an attorney. You in fact, would qualify for scholarships and grants that are given specifically to single mothers trying to get through school. Be aware, that if your counselor is a social worker who will be responsible for placing your baby in an adoptive home, he/she may have a preconceived idea that adoption is the best answer. Once you give up your rights, you no longer have any say about how your baby is raised, where your baby lives (what if the “open” adoption parents move out of state for some reason?) or anything else for that matter…and you would always wonder “what if….” Unless you are STRONGLY decisive about giving up your baby and fully understand all that means - my advice would be - don’t do it.
March 31st, 2009 at 3:49 am
God Bless You! Sounds like you are having it very rough lately. Let me tell you, your boyfriend is probably going threw a phase, he is young, and guys tend to do this. Do not let him hender you raising your child. You sound very mature, and like you would be a WONDERFUL Mommy! I want you to keep your baby, and raise him/her on your own. I think you would do a great job. If the Daddy decides he wants to be a part of it, and change is life (and this does happen after the birth of a child) then that is GREAT. But you sound very responsible, and you should have your baby and keep him/her. God Bless you sweety, and I hope everything works out well for you.
April 2nd, 2009 at 5:21 pm
“I adore the baby and would love to raise him ” Those are the words of a mother that has already bonded with her unborn child.Your heart has already answered for you.It will be hard for a while,but You will do just fine.Here is something I wrote about how I felt about my decision to raise my children.
Hands
My hands. All my fingers are there. My nails are short. The cuticles a little jagged. The skin is dry. My hands have lived. They have held puppies and kittens, mice and lizards. Crayons and pencils to color my world. Pens to describe it. I’ve held fishing poles ,sewing needles, and my children’s hands. These hands have wiped the dew of joy and the seas of grief. They have bandaged knees and fingers. They have tied shoes and guided the little fingers to tying their shoes. These hands have seen life pass through them, and held the very beginnings of life itself. These hands worked hard to provide the bread on the table, and to shake away the fear of harder times to come. They have comforted friend and stranger alike. They have held the grieving, and hugged the joyful. They decorated birthday cakes and glued favorite toys back together again. Sometimes, they ache just to remind me of how much living I have left to do. May your hands be forever full of life’s aches and pains.
Rhea Burris,2007
April 3rd, 2009 at 10:24 am
I am sorry for your loss and I am sorry but I was adopted too,and the best advice I can give you is think it over,none of us have to live with it,so why ask us? Thats why you pay good money for good counseling.
April 4th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
This is a question that only you can answer. As a mother through adoption, I know that there is a couple who would love to have your baby. I know I would. You can be involved in the selection of those people if you choose to and receive up dates and pictures on how the baby is doing. My son’s birth mother choose me and my husband. We met her. I now send her pictures and updates through our case worker. Its been 3 years. She was older than you and this was not her first child. But she decided it was best for her. If you selected an adoption agency, they can help you through this. This birth mother was not the first that selected me but the 3rd. The other two changed their minds after the births. Yes, that was very hard for me but very understandable. I guess what I am trying to say that even if today you decide you want to give your baby up, that until you sign off on the papers, you can change your mind. And the adoptive couple you select will find that hard to take and disappointing but in the end, you have to do what you think is best for your baby. That is the most important thing. Your in my prayers
April 5th, 2009 at 4:10 pm
I first want to say that I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my dad to cancer two years ago and I still have good & bad days. I pray that God will watch over you and you help you through your situation.
As far as adoption goes, I can tell you that I was adopted as a child and it was certainly the best decision my birthmom ever made for me and herself. She was very young as well and made the choice and I respect her for that. I have a very loving relationship with her and she has always been a strong part of my life. Now, my husband and I are waiting to adopt (due to medical reasons) so for me adoption is a positive thing.
I know you say that financially you can care for a child but how about emotionally? That’s something that really you can only answer. You probably already know in your heart what is best and right now your mind is wrestling with the decision. It’s really only one that you can decide dear!
I can honestly say that an open adoption can be such a wonderful thing and still allow you to be a part in your child’s life. I hope God watches over you and your little one and that you find peace with your decision–whatever that may be.
May God bless you today & everyday
April 8th, 2009 at 8:59 am
As always, the decisions anyone makes, has to belong to
the one who has the problem. But in my book, pregnancies
and babies, can sometimes be a blessing, that comes our
way, when we least expect it, and can be a joy to our lives.
It is my opinion though, that you should keep the baby, and
be as good a mother as you can.
You have a good start, with the college years you’ve begun,
and you don’t have to postpone that, to be a mother.
If you place the child out…to another family, it would never
know you, or it’s bloodline, or have any photos of any
importance, of your ancestory.
Sounds like you’ve done well with the pregnancy, and
you’ve kept your thinking, very clear, about your situation,
and that is a good sign.
The birth father of the baby is responsible for paying some
amount of child support.
Even though you have your own income, you need to
sign up through the Child Support System, so that the
baby’s father can be obligated to assume his part in the
responsibility of the child.
You are eligible for the Wic Program, most likely, which
is a good thing, if you choose to do that.
After carrying that baby for the 9 months, you’ll really
enjoy the ”companionship & the sharing of that life” for the
next 18 years, I’m sure.
Sounds like you have family members who can help you
with childcare too, because they do love you, in that
respect of having family-unity.
For what it’s worth, I hope you keep the baby, and share in
it’s growth, for you would not want to cheat yourself out of
that ”first experience” of becoming a mother.
You’ve had enough losses in your life. Perhaps this baby
is the Blessing You Need to Keep Your Life on the Right
Track. Much Luck, however you decide. Truly, TF
April 10th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
You have admitted your greatest fear, of wanting to have your life and goals precede the child’s life and goals. With this info only I would opt for the child to be placed for adoption. I believe that a parent should always strive to meet their own goals and needs but not at the cost of the child’s best interests. This is the subject that you and your counselor need to focus on. It is always difficult to balance those desires for ourselves, as people, with the needs of our children.
Can I put my child’s needs first while still developing my own interests? Where will I put the balance point? Once you can confidently say one way or the other you will have the answer to these questions.
April 10th, 2009 at 6:35 pm
If you already adore this baby, once you see him or her you will know that part of your heart has been placed in this little human being! Whether the baby is living with you where you will have control over it’s upbringing, or with an adoptive and loving family, that part of your heart will no longer be yours.
Do you want to be a mom? That is the bottom line. No matter what else you can and will accomplish, the mom part comes first. Can you fill that wonderful, frightening and sometimes overwhelming role at this point in your life? If you really and truly don’t think you can, then the baby will be better off with parents who can.
I applaud you for thinking this through and trying to make the best decision for you and your child. Listen to your heart and imagine your life both ways. You will make the right decision.
April 12th, 2009 at 7:32 am
parent. i gave a little girl up 4 adoption 7 years ago and have regretted it everyday. i was in a similar situation except i was broke and found out my boyfriend was a druggy. i thought at 19 i was so smart, i was doing right by my baby. and i probanly was, but i dont think ive been right myself since. the safdness and depression is horrible. can you handle giving up part of your soul?
April 12th, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Sometimes, I feel that if we have to ask, we know the answer. Parenting this baby has to be something you want with all your heart and soul — anything less — not enough.
You know the adoptive parents are there. It is just a matter of whether you are. If there is absolutely NOTHING on the face of the earth that would stop you from parenting this baby, then there is your answer.
If you hesitate, question, and have that nagging feeling deep in your soul, when no one is around — then its adoption. And how great that you will consider an open adoption for your child!
Good luck to you. Think of this little one five years from now. Then make your decision. It will be right!
April 14th, 2009 at 10:16 am
First let me say I am sorry for your loss. I understand this is a very difficult time for you having lost your mother.
Take your time and do your research. I strongly urge you to communicate with women who have relinquished children. You have no idea the pain that you may experience in relinquishment. They do.
It sounds like you may be looking for a permanent solution to a temporary problem. The next two years may be difficult while you are raising a child an finishing up school but that will end in two years. Dating may be difficult but still possible. I dated (a lot) and married as a single mother so don’t think it impossible.
I’m not trying to talk you out of considering relinquishment I’m just trying to steer you toward researching all aspects of it because I have read many experiences by women and men who have relinquished children because things were extremely difficult at the time of the birth only to have major regrets and life long pain for that decision. Some deal with it well and have no regrets, some struggle with it but still do not regret but some are left broken.
If you do decide to relinquish your child I again urge you to do your research. There are a lot of adoption scammers and unethical so-called-professionals that prey on expectant women who are considering their options. They promise you the moon and tell you what you want to hear so they can make a buck from the adoption of your child.
On the flip side of all those warnings, there are families out there that will welcome an open adoption arrangement and love your child with all their heart. Just be careful and talk with families who have been there before you. They can guide you to ethical people who can walk you through this.
And about that boyfriend. Don’t count on him. If he steps up then great. It will be a nice addition to your child’s life but don’t feel that you or your child needs him. Many single women choose to parent and go on to lead very successful lives. Since you do not have financial issues then you have a leg up on them.