I concede that the this answer might be a bit gruff, but take it in the spirit that I’ve been there done that, and held the hand of others since then who have been there and done that.

When you give birth to your baby and then relinquish him or her for adoption, it’s basically preparing to crash full force into a brick wall. You know the crash is coming and even with air bags and seatbelts, it’s still going to be some scary sad stuff going on.

It’s not the impact of the moment that you should be worried about, but the impact over a lifetime. Would you be able to live with yourself afterward by not taking the time to hold *your* baby? What if you never receive a picture afterwards beside being promised otherwise? What if what matters to you and your child is those pictures of that moment where you held each other, and that he or she knows he matters… versus the idea of it hurt too much and that you didn’t matter to him or her, or that he or she didn’t matter to you.

I realize that preparing for relinquishment and surrender comes with a lot of believing in the positive reasons of why it’s a good idea to do this… but listening to the mothers who just relinquished about how wonderful this is just don’t get it. The shock and denial of grief is so so strong.

Hold your baby. Take pictures. It will matter towards your grief work in the years to come. Because like Sly said, there is no denying the crash to come.

It is often mandatory for the baby to be placed in foster care before going to the adoptive parents. This is a piece of information they often deliberately neglect to tell mothers.

Keep in mind the adoptive parents can “return” the baby if they are not satisfied and you will never know about it. If that happens, they will not notify you, but will instead place the baby in foster care in hopes of finding another home.

I think that it was going to be hard regardless of if I held him or not. I will always treasure the moments that I got to spend with him and I loved looking at him and figuring out what features of mine he has. The hurt still hasn’t gone away and I don’t think it ever will. Later down the line I know it will still be there, the pain will have just dulled a little.

The hospital originally said that I would have to make the switch off hospital grounds and that I would have to hand the baby over to them. But all I had to do was sign a form stating that the adoptive parents were able to care for him until he left the hospital and the adoptive papers were signed. Talk to your attorney and see how handing the baby over personally can be avoided.

Good luck to you. Write the baby a letter and give it to the adoptive parents telling him why you did adoption. It may make things a little better for him later on. Just know that you’re making the choice because you love the baby so much that you want to give him the best life possible. Unfortunately it can’t be with you right now. After he’s born it’s going to be really hard - the hardest thing you’ll ever do in your life - but you can do it for him.

Hope I helped.

I wanted to raise my son but was coerced which is why I only saw him once which was too painful.