Comments on: Will my baby go straight to a new home if I am planning a closed adoption?

By: Ryan

Ryan — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 23:45:14 +0000

The baby should go directly to the new home. It all depends on many things. In most cases the baby leaves the hospital with the adoptive parents. Also, while in the hospital, the adoptive parents are usually there and are able to care for the baby. Do you have any couples in mind? My husband and I are looking into adopting a child. We have a 7 year old daughter. Our son passed away in Oct. 2004. He was only 5 days old. I can not have any more children. We pray that God will bless us with another child. I pray that everything works out for you and that you will find the perfect family for your baby. You are a very strong person and will be very blessed. Ryan

By: Dorian

Dorian — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 08:37:52 +0000

I believe that in almost all cases the child goes straight home with the new parents. I was adopted at birth and it was a closed adoption with pre-birth matching. My parents picked me up from the hospital when I was ready to be discharged the next day and took me home.

Also, if you want to send a scrapbook or a letter to your child you can create these before hand and take them to the hospital with you when you give birth and then ask the nurse to give them to the adoptive parents when they take the baby home. Dorian

By: Birthers are NOT mothers

Birthers are NOT mothers — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 07:25:52 +0000

You mean you are planning to willingly give your child away? Thought all you birthers were forced and under horrifying duress…oh yeah…that’s only in the retelling, years later! Gotcha.

Your the cream of the crop for giving away you flesh and blood lady…cheers! Birthers are NOT mothers

By: tish_part deux

tish_part deux — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 11:26:34 +0000

wait a tic… lisa c wrote “I hired the attorney, as all adoptive parents should, for my son’s natural parents.”

so, by this logic, if i was in need of a contract lawyer for a new job to make sure my interests are met, i should allow the prospective employer to hire my attorney, right?

and people wonder why first mothers get screwed.

————
ok. the decision to relinquish is yours. all i say is get as much information (and not from flashy websites showing pretty pregnant girls whose babies were ’saved’ due to adoption); yet from ALL SIDES of the argument.

adoption is permanent. especially a closed adoption. no one can guarantee you what will happen once you walk away. a family could want your baby and then out of the blue, decide not to take the baby. the baby could go to foster care. the baby could go to less than optimal people.

i’m not “bashing” you, as was suggested; yet strongly encourage you to listen to all sides of the story. and please whatever you do, DO NOT WORK WITH AN ATTORNEY paid for my the people who WANT YOUR BABY!!! you will not get good representation. you will only have one more person (the one who purports to work in your best interest) to reinforce the “you are doing the loving thing” dogma.

i wish you well. tish_part deux

By: kitta

kitta — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 01:22:00 +0000

Closed adoption means you will never know who has your baby, unless your child somehow finds you later on in life.

You will not know when your child is adopted, or even if your child is adopted…yes, it is possible your child could end up in life-long care. You won’t be told anything.

Please try to think about this. You will not forget your child. Unlike other situations, this is one where “out of sight, out of mind” does *not* work.

the pain of loss will go on and on…and it will increase with time. kitta

By: LinnyG

LinnyG — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 17:23:58 +0000

Please do not do this to yourself, or to your baby. You will most likely never recover from this. And for the love of God, please do not contact any of the greedy pap vultures here who have already emailed you or added you to their contact list. They do not care about you, only getting their mitts on your baby.

Please educate yourself as to how adoption will affect you and your child. No baby wants to be raised by strangers. They want their natural Mother or Father to raise them.

Here are some MUST read links for you. Please do not give your baby away to strangers. LinnyG

By: kams_mom

kams_mom — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 10:27:43 +0000

When it comes to a closed adoption the legalities vary from state to state and agencies vary as well. I did a lot of research into this before placing my baby up for adoption. If you are worried about your baby going straight to a loving permanent home I would suggest looking into an open adoption. When you do a closed adoption you do not have any legal right to that information once you relinquish your rights to the child. Your child may initially go to a temporary or foster home until permanent placement can be found. In some cases children spend their whole lives in the system going from one foster family to another. In an open adoption you personally choose the family that your child will be adopted by. You look through portfolios or scrapbooks that the potential families put together for the birth moms so they can get some insight into the type of people they are and their background. This enables you to make sure that the baby is going to a secure and stable home where he/she will be properly cared for and loved. You can also decide if you would like your personal information to be available to the child once they reach 18 or in some cases 21 years of age. Personally I felt more at ease knowing that I interviewed the potential families myself and choose the family that I thought were the best candidates to raise and care for a child. I also have contact with the family and receive photos and letters which is completely optional to the birth mother. Some birth moms prefer to cut ties with the child and family after wards so they can go through the healing process and move on which is totally understandable. The choice is yours, You will have to live with this decision fro the rest of your life so if I were you I would do some research into closed and open adoptions as well as adoption agencies before making any snap decisions. Neither is right or wrong just make sure your sources are legit same goes for any agencies or lawyers you may decide to use and make the decision between which type of adoption is right for you. Just do your homework on them before using them. A Guardian Angel Adoption Agency is a great agency to go through. The birth mom coaches and counselors are fantastic and are there for you every step of the way in providing assistance to you in all aspects of your life during this tough time. kams_mom

By: Lisa C

Lisa C — Fri, 16 Jul 2010 08:00:40 +0000

Are you sure you want a closed adoption? It is, of course your decision, just be certain You want it closed. Whether it is open or closed, it doesn’t affect How it is handled. Closed adoption means your information is not available and neither is that if the adoptive family’s.
If you just don’t want access, you can still allow the option of an Open adoption.

My sons birth mother isn’t actively involved but I encourage it if she wants. We have an Open adoption however she chooses not to enforce that option. Her and I do speak often but just doesn’t choose visitation.
You will get slammed on here for sure. Just stay strong and try to research as much as you can with the facts.
I hired the attorney, as all adoptive parents should, for my son’s natural parents. I would be happy to pass that info along to you. Lisa C

By: 7rin

7rin — Wed, 14 Jul 2010 16:24:36 +0000

Closed adoptions usually work by the poor kid having to grow up knowing no-one and nothing about their own history. They grow up receiving no genetic mirroring in order to learn how the world works, and so regularly and often develop such traumatising traits such as hyper-vigilance - and speaking from personal experience, there is nothing worse in this world than being abandoned by your own mom.

You carried the kid beyond the latest abortion date, so stomach up and raise your own damn kid instead of abandoning it into gawd alone knows what ’cause seriously, once you sign the papers, it doesn’t matter what anyone’s promised you, you have no control over what happens.

I dropped lucky, I was palmed off onto a relatively decent couple who tried their hardest, but I have a mate who was palmed off on to a couple who separated six months after the adoption was finalised, and had to grow up enduring abuse at the hands of her adoptive dad, as well as the long string of ‘lodgers’ he used to invite around to abuse her with.

Also, don’t listen to anyone suggesting that open adoption is the way to go - it is almost never legally enforceable! Many parents have lost access to their children due to “open” adoption promises. Please read and and before listening to the hype.

I was abandoned to adoption at 7mths old. I didn’t have a bad adoption - my afamily are the best I could ever have chosen… but if I’d been able to choose, and I’d known then what I know now, I’d've chosen to be aborted before birth instead, ’cause at least that way the lifetime of agony I’ve gone through would’ve been over in minutes, instead of the decades that I’ve been suffering for now.

I’ve been in reunion with my bfam for a few months now, and even that’s proving to be completely agonising.

Taken from Nancy Verrier’s book, Coming Home to Self:

For the adoptee every day is a challenge of trying to figure out how to be, although he probably doesn’t understand the difficulty this presents for him. It has been true his whole life and, therefore, feels normal. However, it takes a great deal of energy and concentration. And it never feels quite right. He never quite fits. Therefore he feels as if /he/ is never quite right.
(pg 50)

Abandonment and neglect are reported to be the two most devastating experiences that children endure - even more devastating then sexual or physical abuse. That’s why some neglected children do naughty things to get attention. Even though the attention is hurtful - being yelled at, hit, or otherwise harmed - it is better than neglect. /Anything/ is better than abandonment. Abandonment is a child’s greatest fear. For adoptees, it is also reality, embedded in their implicit and unintegrated memory.
(pg 102)

It is sometimes difficult to spot grief in children. After all, it isn’t as if the child sits in a puddle of tears his entire childhood. As one adoptee said, “Of course I played, laughed, sang. Do people think that if you’re not sitting in a corner with your head on your knees, you are not sad? I had happy times, but the sadness was always there, even when I was having fun.”
(pg 117)

So do the best thing ever, and don’t abandon your kid, ’cause seriously, it leaves the kid suicidal in way too many instances. 7rin

By: snowwillow20

snowwillow20 — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 02:22:27 +0000

In 1972 I gave up my daughter, they said she would go directly to her new home, but after I found her I found out she spent the first 6 weeks of her life in foster care. It was a closed adoption and it hurt me deeply to find this out. She was also molested by a family friend of the aparents. We thought she would have a better life, but that was not true. We were told in a closed adoption that she could never find us and we could never find her, this was not true either, since we have been in reunion since 2001. I was told that I would ‘get over’ giving her up, but again that was not true.

In reunion since 2001 snowwillow20